Buying house & differing attitudes

Pollycat

kazwookie wrote: »

You have stipulated..............



TBH If I was this bloke I would run for the hills, it reads as all about you, what does he want..............


I would be moving on from you......................

You've clearly never been in a relationship with someone who thinks 'stuff just happens'.
My ex was happy as Larry as long as he had enough money in his pocket to buy a drink.
Bills? Somebody else will sort that out (that would be me).
Food? The food fairy will buy, unpack and cook. It appears magically on the table (that would be me).
Those dirty pots? That will be taken care of by the 'dishwasher' fairy. (That would be me).
Clothes? Chuck them on the floor and someone else will deal with them. (That would be me).
It was only when I started washing his white work shirts inside out and ironing them that way and hanging them up that he learned.
I didn't want a child.
I wanted a partner.

And TBH, if I was the OP, I'd run for the hills.

Facknats

So to clarify..

. He is not in debt and lives within means that way
. We are *both* into games, so shared hobbies is not an issue
. He does a bit of housework and I think any imbalance can be chalked down to individual preferences.
. Lifting sofas, home repairs is generally something I do myself.
. I had the same attitudes towards money when we started out 5 years ago and changed my ways

Nothing too drastic!

The key issue is that I'm aware people get old, illnesses happen, parents need more support alongside work commitments and I'd like teamwork to become a little more financially resilient, while the sun is shining, rather than living like a student, which is our current circumstances aged 30 and 35. He agrees so we seem to have similar intentions. I'm just not sure £200 a month on takeaways and relying on parent handouts to plug the shortfall while I lug all the furniture about is a sustainable game plan longer term..?

So the dilemma is, chew my 'self starter' pride and buy in Summer 2020, or hold out until Summer 21, with the potential that working towards something generally makes you value it more..

Facknats

Also, for Zazwookie's point, I researched and recommended how he can protect his parent's money if we broke up too- ig works both ways. Given our trades, this is probably the most expensive asset either of us will share with another person. Sometimes even in romance you need to be a bit businesslike.. too many horror stories not to take heed..!

[Deleted User]

Buy by yourself in 2020 or jointly with him even though he doesn’t seem fussed about buying somewhere?

Gavin83

Facknats wrote: »

So to clarify..

. He is not in debt and lives within means that way
. We are *both* into games, so shared hobbies is not an issue
. He does a bit of housework and I think any imbalance can be chalked down to individual preferences.
. Lifting sofas, home repairs is generally something I do myself.
. I had the same attitudes towards money when we started out 5 years ago and changed my ways

Nothing too drastic!

The key issue is that I'm aware people get old, illnesses happen, parents need more support alongside work commitments and I'd like teamwork to become a little more financially resilient, while the sun is shining, rather than living like a student, which is our current circumstances aged 30 and 35. He agrees so we seem to have similar intentions. I'm just not sure £200 a month on takeaways and relying on parent handouts to plug the shortfall while I lug all the furniture about is a sustainable game plan longer term..?

So the dilemma is, chew my 'self starter' pride and buy in Summer 2020, or hold out until Summer 21, with the potential that working towards something generally makes you value it more..

So your main issue is that you feel that he should be saving for a rainy day while he feels he should be enjoying his wages now?

I fit into your boyfriends mindset here, I'm much more of a spender than a saver. If I'm saving it'll be towards something rather than for the sake of it. Without being too morbid I've seen far too many people who have gone without and saved for a luxurious retirement, only to either die young or suffer from illness that ruins their retirement plans. I'd rather enjoy life now. Luckily my wife agrees with my mindset.

Essentially I don't think either of your opinions is wrong and neither of you necessarily need to change. However I'd put it in the same category as whether you want kids or not, neither is wrong/right and it is potentially relationship ending. Ultimately if he's unwilling to become more of a saver and you're unwilling to become more of a spender then this could well be something that breaks you up in the future.

Honestly from what you've written it does sound like he's worked to compromise though and has saved some money, he's just unwilling to save everything he has and wants to enjoy some of it. I don't see a problem with this, others might but you do need to make an agreement between you that works.

SensibleSarah

Mojisola wrote: »

"Sometimes" is a very important qualifier.

I know several couples who have children and it hasn't made any difference to the way the husbands behave - when asked, they say they have three children - two youngsters and a husband.

Yes you're right - that's why I used that word :rotfl:

I think it depends where the 'inaction' type behaviour is stemming from. Is it because that person is inherently lazy or thinks that 'grown up responsibilities' are something that is beneath them? Or is it just because they have different priorities in life at the moment?

Mojisola

Facknats wrote: »

I'd like teamwork to become a little more financially resilient, while the sun is shining, rather than living like a student, which is our current circumstances aged 30 and 35.

He agrees so we seem to have similar intentions.

I'm just not sure £200 a month on takeaways and relying on parent handouts to plug the shortfall

SensibleSarah wrote: »

I think it depends where the 'inaction' type behaviour is stemming from. Is it because that person is inherently lazy or thinks that 'grown up responsibilities' are something that is beneath them? Or is it just because they have different priorities in life at the moment?

The bit in bold would worry me - it sounds as if he doesn't see the need to be financially responsible and independent because he's got a safety net.

getmore4less

What's missing is are common goals

When it comes to finances the key is goals and priorities with a budget set to achieve those goals.

By the time you get to your 30s there should be long term goals like when/how you will retire working back through shorter terms stuff like where you plan to live for the nest 30/40years, what cars you want to drive how many holidays you want to take what food you want on the table.

rather than living like a student, which is our current circumstances aged 30 and 35.

I think you need to work together on where you want to be in a few years.

What can be helpful is the SOA.

Do a retrospective 12 months of where all your money has gone and consider what you could do if you prioritized it differently.

One issue you may have is you are only looking ahead a few months and need to develop a bigger longer term plan with goals that you both really want.


It may also be worth looking at where you spend all your time.

I remember when I was a lot younger gaming could consume whole weekends 100%(with some eat and sleep thrown in).
I weaned myself off that as it interfered with work.

Pollycat

SensibleSarah wrote: »

I think it depends where the 'inaction' type behaviour is stemming from. Is it because that person is inherently lazy or thinks that 'grown up responsibilities' are something that is beneath them? Or is it just because they have different priorities in life at the moment?

In my ex's case, it was none of the above.
He simply thought 'stuff happened'.

Mojisola wrote: »

The bit in bold would worry me - it sounds as if he doesn't see the need to be financially responsible and independent because he's got a safety net.

It would worry me too.
But then again, I've been financially independent of my parents since I was 20.
I'd be very wary of someone who was 30 or 35 who was happy 'living like a student'.
But then again, I had a mortgage to pay aged 24.
I've been married twice to people who are the eldest child - as I am.
There was no spare money for us growing up.

Emily_Joy

I think the main question here is how large is the portion of the salary he spends on non-essentials. If he earns, say, £60K a year and spends £2400 on takeaways, there is no problem here, he has money to spare. If he doesn't want to help with the housework, but is happy to pay for the cleaner, just get a cleaner, which could be easily done on £2400 a year.