Can working together and relationship work.

HampshireH · 7 January 2018 at 6:40PM

frannyj543 wrote: »

My life is good. Better than when i was single? 200%. But how much or how longer we can go on i dont know.

Really? Is that honestly the case.? From reading your and others comments it would seem you have money from employment but no happiness in doing so.

Whats the point in money if you arent happy in life?

gwynlas · 7 January 2018 at 6:45PM

If you are working Mon=Fri then you need to do something completely different on weekend. Travel to the city, stay at an hotel make time to date each other like couples with kids have to.

-taff · 7 January 2018 at 7:47PM

So the problem is your soical life or lack of it? Move somewhere else then.
It's spending too much time with your partner at work? Find another job
Can't speak the language to make new friends? Make more of an effort to learn it.
DOn't love your partner any more? Leave.

Your problems are not that difficult, You need to do something about it, the opinions of others matters not at all, mine included.
No-one can make you do anything, that bit is up to you.

I have some sympathy for people who find themselves in difficult situations.You're not in a difficult situation. You have options.

Primrose · 7 January 2018 at 8:05PM

On the contrary. The OP is in a difficult position.
He/she has uprooted themselves to a foreign country where they don’t speak the language well after the death of the remaining parent in the UK (read an earlier thread) and is trying to make a new life for themselves in a social and working environment where actually they now seem to have compability issues with their partner. They are also in a fairly rural area where a lot of the choices and facilities available in a city for improving things are not easily accessible.

Sensible solutions to difficult human problems are not made by just snapping one fingers so that a magic wand appears. Sometimes there are genuine difficulties that are not easily surmounted and trying to make the right decision feels like wading through treacle.

The OP doesn,t have family to advise and support. Sometimes it takes a while to work all these issues out in your mind which is why they are on this forum trying to find some help to wade through the quagmire that they now seem to be in.

System · 7 January 2018 at 8:41PM

Primrose again hit the nail on the head.

That is literally my situation summed up. Here although I have a partner I see too much at home I have nothing. Bricks and water and a few friends.

Here i have a successful business, a living partner and a sense of mental and physical well-being. I Was never depressed or anything but given a few circumstances like the death of my mother almost 1 year ago had I not been with my partner I have a slight fear on my route. Probably spent endless days in the pub pieces together where to go or what to do. And again that is a few that arises.

Life isn't as straight forward as some say. As humans we can convince ourselves of one thing only to give it up and realise that that was holding us together.

My partner is my stability and my motivation. She also helped me through my worst ever tine in my life so it isn't as easy as saying thanks but goodbye. Maybe she is the one and I have to persevere and try other things.

I dont know the answers. I haven't had this situation before so cant call back on past experiences. I also haven't had the financial decisions regarding houses/mortgages to worry about.

I'm also knocking on 30 so although I'm young I do want a family in the next 3-5 years. I understand that i shouldn't have a family for the sake of having it but maybe this is the opportunity that I have been lucky enough to be given. Not many people get this opportunity to move and try something new. And to be honest I'm kind of in a way lucky to be here as if I was living in my mothers house I don't know what way I would be.

There are issues that need resolved but to think that it's just flip a coin and make a decision is stupid. Nothing in life from ordering a take away to a relationship is as straight forward as some posters make it sound.

System · 7 January 2018 at 8:49PM

Taff if it was just one thing that would be easy to address. Life crosses over so someone's work may impact or dictate where they live. Which then leads to what social things they do. So yes I could easily book a flight back to the UK. Get a job, find an area I like, have no partner and speak my own language. But Maybe I'm less happy. Maybe you've experience someone in my shoes who has walked away from you or the opposite made you move around and it didn't work out. Who knows everyone here has their own story to tell.

Savvy_Sue · 7 January 2018 at 8:53PM

it seems to me that the one thing you could, fairly easily, do something about is improving your language skills. And I suspect that you could, at the same time, improve your independent social life.

Even if there is no formal tuition available in the mornings, could you not find someone with the skills to teach you / help you improve your skills in your partner's mother tongue once a week? From there, could you not move on to other activities?

Primrose · 7 January 2018 at 9:17PM

Franny, Maybe it’s time to sit down with your partner and admit that you seem to have hit a temporary crash barrier in your life, that you were grateful for the support you had from them after your mother’s death and would appreciate some support in helping you understand why you’re hitting this barrier.

Your future, whatever you decide, will affect her/him too and after two years in this new environment I think it is time for an honest review between you of how things are working out.

I would think some independent counselling would help you but you would need to undertake this in your own language . Its a process in which you need to engage in an articulate manner because of its very nature, and trying to express yourself in a foreign language in which you are not proficient would reduce the value of the process.

Do you have any close friends here in the UK who know you well enough to offer some sensible advice, knowing your personality ?

System · 7 January 2018 at 9:52PM

I take language lessons 2-3 times per week. I am around a B1 level which is able to have small conversations. Understand a lot of what people say and read texts. To be comfortable in an environment you really need a b2 level. Levels start a1 being nothing to C1 being basically native. So I am getting their slowly but again it isn't easy.

I spent 8 hours a day speaking my own language plus at home. But I am trying. I would say by this time next year I would be comfortably between b1 and b2. It's a big jump the difference.

Primrose I have friends who I have discussed it before with. The problem is I have weeks and months where i am thankful and appreciative of what I have. Then I have weeks where I'm thinking this is crazy. 24 hours with a person. I place i have no sense of identity. I cant even order a !!!!!!! Chinese on a Saturday night because there isn't one. Small things.

So I find it really hard to distinguish is it unfamiliarity is it relationship fading away is it both. Is it me feeling that I have to commit here to settle down and make a future.

I look at my other half with pure pride. Although maybe the passion isn't there like it was at the start I know that if my chips were down like they have been she would be there. Loyal trustworthy. Which isn't easy to find. Am I going to gamble on excitement and a feeling of belonging at home or am I going to accept ok. You've been dealt a fairly good hand here. Let it roll for another 6 months assess it. Take it from there. Because we're are quite financial stable. We could move away. We have a house here and the UK. So money isnt a problem.

Primrose · 7 January 2018 at 10:05PM

Maybe you've hit this barrier because you are a person who likes to be challenged and apart from the language barrier, you need another challenge to be working on to relieve this period of boredom.

I think if you were to ask most working people how their life is, most of them would say that a large percentage of it appears to be hum drum routine, enlivened occasionally by some breaks or interesting activities. Do you think, for the first time in your life, you are probably now entering the "routine" phase and are starting to learn the old saying that life is 90 perspiration and 10 aspiration?"

maybe you've got the right person but in the wrong place and this is the cause of some of your discontent? Is this your own business? If so, would it be possible to set it up somewhere else in your current country where there are more civilised opportunities for you both to indulge in some separate interests? it might mean a rather uncomfortable time, but possibly a challenge that would resolve some of your boredom and frustration?

Can working together and relationship work.

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