relocating for relationship - how to avoid arguments
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JWPopps
Posts: 341 Forumite
Hi everyone,
I used to have a diary here which I found really useful but so much has happened since I last posted.
I recently got offered a job so I can relocate from Yorkshire to London, to move in with my partner. He is already London-based, and has been living in a shared flat. We're looking to find a small (I mean, it'll have to be...) 1 bedroom flat in South London - and I'm really worried that our different financial situations will cause arguments. There are already signs of it. Any advice on how to avoid this would be amazing, especially from anyone else with experience of this kind of move!
My perspective:
I'm the one relocating, but I feel very much that I'm also being the problem-solver, doing all the admin related to finding a flat, and being super flexible about my requirements. I'm acutely aware that I will be earning significantly more than my partner in my new role, and I'm at a disadvantage because I don't know London very well at all so I'm happy to be led by his knowledge. My only absolute non-negotiable is that I would like a flat with a bedroom that's separate to the living room (e.g. not a studio), so that when my parents and friends visit they don't have to stay in expensive hotels.
I also already own a house in my hometown, which my mum has agreed to rent from me (just to cover the mortgage, not to make extra cash off my poor mum! It's cheaper than her current rent so kind of win-win). Because I'm already a homeowner, my monthly outgoings are fairly high as it is so I don't anticipate my move to London will impact me financially particularly drastically.
His perspective:
He has lived in his shared house for three years and has a genuine bargain by London standards, especially because all his bills are included. He is very clear about how much he is prepared to pay, what area he wants to be in and - crucially - that he absolutely does NOT feel comfortable with me paying more than him. He wants things 50/50, down the middle, so he doesn't feel like he's not 'pulling his weight'.
The argument...
From all my research, I don't think it's possible for us to find somewhere that hits all our requirements. If we use his ceiling as the basis for our maximum rent then we're about £200-£300 a month below the going rate for the area he likes, unless we move into another shared room that has a double bed or we consider a studio.
While I don't want to do this as it means giving up the only stipulation I had, I would consider it to help us move forward. My partner however won't consider it, because he knows I'd like to not be in a studio/shared. I think he's trying to be fair, but it doesn't feel realistic.
We could look at areas further out from where he likes, but his problem is he wants to be able to keep walking to his job. I'm not fussed as regardless of where we're based I'll be on the tube for work, but he's dead against moving beyond his walking commute. I can see his point that the additional travel cost could well outweigh the savings in rent.
Again - under no circumstances will he accept my suggestion that I pay more based on the fact my salary will be higher.
I even suggested that as a short-term solution I could rent a shared room on my own and he could keep his current arrangement until we come to a better solution but he took that as me saying I don't want to live with him and we had a row about it so I'm not touching that suggestion again with a ten foot pole.
It sometimes feels like he just wants me to move into the room he lives in now which would be absolutely impossible - it's a box room! With a single bed! And there's no space for me to bring any of my things. I'm not massively bothered about where I live as long as I can be with him and have the opportunity to do well in my new job, and I'm worried my professional image will suffer if I have no space to even store smart work clothes - let alone the fact that I can't guarantee access to the only shower when I'd be living with seven men! Frankly I'm not even convinced his landlord would let me move in - I certainly wouldn't let a couple live in a box room if I were a landlord.
I'm honestly at the end of my solutions. So, again - if anyone has any tips to help me navigate this I'd be super grateful. Or ideas for a kind of Goldilocks living arrangement to suit all our needs?! Worth asking I suppose...
Thank you very much in advance.
I used to have a diary here which I found really useful but so much has happened since I last posted.
I recently got offered a job so I can relocate from Yorkshire to London, to move in with my partner. He is already London-based, and has been living in a shared flat. We're looking to find a small (I mean, it'll have to be...) 1 bedroom flat in South London - and I'm really worried that our different financial situations will cause arguments. There are already signs of it. Any advice on how to avoid this would be amazing, especially from anyone else with experience of this kind of move!
My perspective:
I'm the one relocating, but I feel very much that I'm also being the problem-solver, doing all the admin related to finding a flat, and being super flexible about my requirements. I'm acutely aware that I will be earning significantly more than my partner in my new role, and I'm at a disadvantage because I don't know London very well at all so I'm happy to be led by his knowledge. My only absolute non-negotiable is that I would like a flat with a bedroom that's separate to the living room (e.g. not a studio), so that when my parents and friends visit they don't have to stay in expensive hotels.
I also already own a house in my hometown, which my mum has agreed to rent from me (just to cover the mortgage, not to make extra cash off my poor mum! It's cheaper than her current rent so kind of win-win). Because I'm already a homeowner, my monthly outgoings are fairly high as it is so I don't anticipate my move to London will impact me financially particularly drastically.
His perspective:
He has lived in his shared house for three years and has a genuine bargain by London standards, especially because all his bills are included. He is very clear about how much he is prepared to pay, what area he wants to be in and - crucially - that he absolutely does NOT feel comfortable with me paying more than him. He wants things 50/50, down the middle, so he doesn't feel like he's not 'pulling his weight'.
The argument...
From all my research, I don't think it's possible for us to find somewhere that hits all our requirements. If we use his ceiling as the basis for our maximum rent then we're about £200-£300 a month below the going rate for the area he likes, unless we move into another shared room that has a double bed or we consider a studio.
While I don't want to do this as it means giving up the only stipulation I had, I would consider it to help us move forward. My partner however won't consider it, because he knows I'd like to not be in a studio/shared. I think he's trying to be fair, but it doesn't feel realistic.
We could look at areas further out from where he likes, but his problem is he wants to be able to keep walking to his job. I'm not fussed as regardless of where we're based I'll be on the tube for work, but he's dead against moving beyond his walking commute. I can see his point that the additional travel cost could well outweigh the savings in rent.
Again - under no circumstances will he accept my suggestion that I pay more based on the fact my salary will be higher.
I even suggested that as a short-term solution I could rent a shared room on my own and he could keep his current arrangement until we come to a better solution but he took that as me saying I don't want to live with him and we had a row about it so I'm not touching that suggestion again with a ten foot pole.
It sometimes feels like he just wants me to move into the room he lives in now which would be absolutely impossible - it's a box room! With a single bed! And there's no space for me to bring any of my things. I'm not massively bothered about where I live as long as I can be with him and have the opportunity to do well in my new job, and I'm worried my professional image will suffer if I have no space to even store smart work clothes - let alone the fact that I can't guarantee access to the only shower when I'd be living with seven men! Frankly I'm not even convinced his landlord would let me move in - I certainly wouldn't let a couple live in a box room if I were a landlord.
I'm honestly at the end of my solutions. So, again - if anyone has any tips to help me navigate this I'd be super grateful. Or ideas for a kind of Goldilocks living arrangement to suit all our needs?! Worth asking I suppose...
Thank you very much in advance.
Mortgage: £83,000
Credit Card Debt: £1,700
Loan Debt: £3,000
Credit Card Debt: £1,700
Loan Debt: £3,000
0
Comments
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Go for a studio, see how it works out for 6-12 months. The flaws of a studio may become apparent to him and he will be more willing to go with your preference in the future.0
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Well my first question would be what compromise is he making, because the way you've described it, he isn't making any. And that would raise red flags for the success of the relationship, especially as you seem to be making a big commitment by moving considerable distances to be with him
Also I know when I visit someone I'd much rather stay in a local hotel if only so I can wander around the room in my underwear (I'll pass around the mind bleach later
)
In reality how often are friends & family going to visit? Many say they'll visit all the time but I think you'll find its less often than initially stated.0 -
You rent a place for you (both) to live in, not for occasional guests. If a studio is all you can afford with your budget, rent a studio. Occasional visitors should not shape your housing choices.
Since other people have already given you the lecture about the unrelated matter of your mother renting from you that you did not ask about, I won't warn you that someone is bound to :rotfl:Proud member of the wokerati, though I don't eat tofu.Home is where my books are.Solar PV 5.2kWp system, SE facing, >1% shading, installed March 2019.Mortgage free July 20230 -
1. South London is massive. What part of it does he want to live in?
2. How much rent per month does he want to pay for his half max?
3. Does he realise he will have to pay bills on top of the rent?
4. What is his salary and what will your salary be?I'm a Board Guide on the Credit Cards, Loans, Credit Files & Ratings boards. I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly, and I can move and merge threads there. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com0 -
If you would have been happy to pay extra for a larger property for visitors to stay in, then rent a studio and save that extra and use it to pay for a hotel or whatever when people want to come and visit.
It does seem to me that OH seems unwilling to move from his man cave, just how committed to this relationship is he ?Decluttering, 20 mins / day Jan 2024 2/20 -
Don't forget that you will need to report the rental income and pay any relevant tax on this. You will also need to request permission to rent from your mortgage lender - and that may not be straight forward with a family member moving in. You also have all the responsibilities that come with being a landlord.
Sorry - not really helping you with your problem, but things you need to think about.
Already sorted - spoken to mortgage lender and mortgage adviser. Thank you though!Mortgage: £83,000
Credit Card Debt: £1,700
Loan Debt: £3,0000 -
Go for a studio, see how it works out for 6-12 months. The flaws of a studio may become apparent to him and he will be more willing to go with your preference in the future.
Helpful plan. I think this may only sway him if we find a studio under the Zero Deposit scheme as he (probably fairly) doesn't believe tenants realistically get their deposits back, so short term renting can become very expensive. A 12 month contract might work for him (and me, in the long run)!Mortgage: £83,000
Credit Card Debt: £1,700
Loan Debt: £3,0000 -
Hi,
as only one of you appears to be compromising, I think either
- you doormat and move in with him
- you argue and see what happens
- you do what suits you personally "for the short term" (so find yourself a nice room for now and keep bills separate) and leave it to him to find suitable joint accommodation. Much easier for him to do while he is down there already etc...
I'd go for the third, which is avoidant behaviour, but he's being avoidant too. See how the job works out, and take it from there.
Just checking - mum isn't giving up a nice safe council tenancy is she?2021 GC £1365.71/ £24000 -
gettingtheresometime wrote: »Well my first question would be what compromise is he making, because the way you've described it, he isn't making any. And that would raise red flags for the success of the relationship, especially as you seem to be making a big commitment by moving considerable distances to be with him
Also I know when I visit someone I'd much rather stay in a local hotel if only so I can wander around the room in my underwear (I'll pass around the mind bleach later)
In reality how often are friends & family going to visit? Many say they'll visit all the time but I think you'll find its less often than initially stated.
I do want to be fair to him; he did look for work in my part of the world first, I just had a better option come up first. Obviously if he had moved to me he'd have just moved into my house with me, BUT for a variety of reasons it made a lot more sense for both of us for me to be the one to make the move. (E.g. from where I live it would take 6 hours for him to get back to his original hometown, from KX it takes me an hour and a half to see my friends and family, plus he'd have effectively taken a pay cut in his industry to move to me while my job is career progression).
I know people being able to stay isn't the be all and end all, which is why even though it's the one thing I'm asking for I would if it came to it be fine without. My problem is that my parents especially probably won't visit at all if they have to stay in a hotel (not because they're awful but because of the expense), but I can make use of the rent savings of a studio to visit them instead so it isn't the end of the world. OR I can offer to pay for a hotel, if I can persuade them to take me up on that!Mortgage: £83,000
Credit Card Debt: £1,700
Loan Debt: £3,0000 -
onomatopoeia99 wrote: »You rent a place for you (both) to live in, not for occasional guests. If a studio is all you can afford with your budget, rent a studio. Occasional visitors should not shape your housing choices.
Since other people have already given you the lecture about the unrelated matter of your mother renting from you that you did not ask about, I won't warn you that someone is bound to :rotfl:
I understand what you're saying and I agree with you. I am reluctant to give up the only kind of feature I'm hoping for but I do accept that a lot of that is because I'm doing all the work, making the move and would happily pay the extra to get what I want, so it's frustrating to just... not be able to do that.
Plus, and this is perhaps an odd thing for a 30 year old woman to say, I'm just really, really going to miss my parents, so I wanted to make it easy for them to visit. But a studio would be incentive to visit home more!Mortgage: £83,000
Credit Card Debt: £1,700
Loan Debt: £3,0000
This discussion has been closed.
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