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relocating for relationship - how to avoid arguments
Comments
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I don't think he is being realistic - wanting to keep walking to work, which really limits the area you can look at as well as not being prepared to budge on the 50/50.
Something has to give if he wants to live with you.
There is a real stubbornness here which may cause issues later on. Red flag number one.
Second flag is you are doing all the problem solving, running around.
My advice would be to say that unless he is prepared to compromise on one of the two, it really isn't going to work. Let him come up with a solution for a change.0 -
You really might consider renting a room on your own initially. That way you can start to find your way around your neighbourhood and London in general. This would be a good way of finding a more permanent place for both of you which will be necessary as it's not going to be easy finding somewhere with a limit of £1,000 per month - not much by London standards.0
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You want to pay another 3600 ish a year to have a separate living room so you can have family stay over every now and again ? I also wouldn't be willing to make that compromise. Be cheaper for you to pay for there hotels
Take the studio it's only a year anyway see how you get on. Sounds like he's got a pretty cushty situation atm, are you sure he actually wants you to move down etc ?0 -
one more check, as you didn't answer - is mum giving up a council house?2021 GC £1365.71/ £24000
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Have you (and he) considered the % of income way of equalising your contributions rather than the absolute amount? Say rent is 25% of his income, you also pay 25% of yours so equal relative to earnings but the resulting amount is higher?
I'm probably grasping at straws for you, but 'equal' and 'fair' comes in a number of forms.
I must admit his stance seems all about him and not about welcoming you to London , living together and in something that won't be too challenging for you after having a house to yourself. I'd want the one bed so you can close at least one door on each other when you feel like it and not for visitors. Different if you're starting out but you're used to a full house and to be honest he sounds very set in his ways too. His requirements are setting you up to fail in finding somewhere so what is the real message here?0 -
His insistence on walking to work is ridiculous. As a Northerner who moved south, I find the public transport here amazing and cheap, although most born and bred Londoners can't see it! Even if he had to catch two buses or trams to work, with the hopper fare he'd be looking at £3 per day on travel. I can sort of understand why he might not want to start using trains and the tube but adding in the possibility of buses might open up your search area a bit.
Again, as somebody who moved south to a place with much less space, Premier Inns are very good for visiting family!
If he won't compromise at all, I'd suggest looking for somewhere you can afford on your own for a while. See if that focuses his mind a bit and give yourself time to find your feet and work out where you want to be. Just because he knows the area better doesn't mean he gets to decide or will always know the best places.0 -
The facts that he has a problem with you paying more than him and he seems unwilling to meet you halfway are big red flags. I can only see these problems getting worse as times goes on. Are you sure this is a commitment you want to make? He should be happy that you're relocating in order to be with him, not putting obstacles in the way.0
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How long have you been together and how much time have you spent under one roof?0
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Ludicrous to even contemplate moving into a single room in a shared house.
I would choose between:
-you both move into a double room for couples in a nice houseshare in his current area, agreeing to save hard for a bigger/better rental or property deposit in the future. This is a cheap way of finding out if you can actually live together.
-you rent your own place on your budget and spec nearby, to see how you like living in London (many don't like it).
For reference, my family just visited during the day when I was in London flatshares for many years, they didn't expect to stay over. Also my partner and I live two hours apart and won't be moving in together any time soon; we get on fine as it is.They are an EYESORES!!!!0 -
He only earns £25k? That is a very low salary for London. He literally can’t afford London and has probably been living there on borrowed time due to the subsidised cost of low rent coupled with no bills. If his salary is £1,700pm, £500 rent, no travel costs, let’s say £200 to cover food and any miscellaneous bills like mobile, which would leave him with £1k per month. What has he been doing with his money? Has he been saving it knowing that you were planning to move down so that he wouldn’t have to rely on you subsidising his rent when you moved in together?
Studio apartments in Stockwell you would be looking at £1,300 upwards, 1 bed flats start from £1,700 upwards. I would not advise a studio flat as most of them are very small and poky and you would go stir crazy. They are not made for couples living together long term, mainly for single people. Remember you would be literally be doing everything in one room. Eating, cooking, sleeping etc. Do not underestimate how cramped you would feel or what you would do if you had an argument and needed some space.
So if he is adamant about staying in the local area, you’d be looking at starting from £1,700 per month. If you use that as a baseline and add say £200 per month at a conservative estimate for your household bills, £1,900 per month total or £950 each. That is almost double what he’s paying now. BUT if he still remained on £25k, it would mean he should still have £750 per month left to do with as he pleases. Why is he struggling so much with this? If he was to compromise, you could move to a cheaper area and he could either bus / tube / tram / bike it to work for a pittance and you would both still be quids in living in a cheaper area with larger property. Yes he may have to get up earlier for work, but isn’t that what compromise and sacrifice is all about?
I think he is being very unreasonable not willing to compromise at all. £500 for a room in a house share with bills included is a good deal – for a single person.
There is no way if he is sharing with 7 other men that:
1) His landlord would allow you to move in in the first instance
2) The other 7 tenants would agree and be happy with a girl moving in
3) He is delusional if he thinks 2 adults working in professional jobs sharing a tiny single bedroom together and the rest of the house with 7 other people will work long term, all so that he doesn’t have to change his way of life or pay more money.I'm a Board Guide on the Credit Cards, Loans, Credit Files & Ratings boards. I'm a volunteer to help the boards run smoothly, and I can move and merge threads there. Any views are mine and not the official line of moneysavingexpert.com0
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