relocating for relationship - how to avoid arguments

JWPopps

BrassicWoman wrote: »

one more check, as you didn't answer - is mum giving up a council house?

Ha - absolutely not, she was in private rented.

JWPopps

Hello,

Sorry I can't reply to everyone individually - I mean, I probably could, but it would take FOREVER.

I really appreciate everyone who's put time into replying - and I *do* hear every single one of you who has said 'red flags, does he really want this?' etc.

I've... I've had those thoughts myself and I've been worried about whether I'm being stupid to go ahead with this, whether I'm fooling myself, whether he's going to dump me as soon as I've moved and - honestly, if that happens, it happens.

I'm in a really fortunate position that I own a home in the north and I don't have to sell it. My mum is being unbelievably brilliant and I know that my current boss would take me back in a heartbeat if she could, and I could rely on an excellent reference from her for another job if she couldn't and I wanted to come home.

Plus, I feel like I've weighed the risks of taking the job - for those who asked, it is a *significant* salary increase, even though I'll be working fewer hours with potentially less stress as it's a bigger team. So, even if it goes tits up with the relationship I am pretty excited about the job.

As for the relationship - I know no one's asking me to justify why I'm with this man who seems unable to compromise. What I will say is that I know he is committed to this, but I also know he is terrified. Whether that fear is warranted/mature or not is a conversation on its own of course, but I am sympathetic to it. Someone said something about him being too comfortable in his lad's den and I think that's about right.

He does know I'm not going to move into his single bedroom.

He also knows he needs to tackle his employers for a pay rise, because he's underpaid for his industry even if he wasn't in London (as some of you have sensibly noted).

He does also know as well that I'm already making the Big Compromise by being the one to move, even though I'm significantly closer to my family than he is to his etc.

Your comments gave me the confidence to gently tackle him about some of the things he's said. I obviously didn't mention I plastered our problems on the internet in an anonymous forum, but I held firm on saying where he was being unreasonable, and then I waited a few days for him to mull it all over. The above answers in bold were what he came back with, so I think that's positive.

I hope some of you will be pleased to learn we're going the 'sharing a double room for 6 months' route. His landlord has some other properties and there's a reasonable room in one of those that's affordable that's just become available. It would be affordable even for my boyfriend on his own (but only just) if we did split up, which I think has made him feel a bit better - and me too, because as so many of you rightly noted I don't know London well enough to have an informed opinion on where we should live long-term, and my partner has been SPOILT by his super cheap rent. We need to do some exploring together, and this seems like a sensible option.

JWPopps

conradmum wrote: »

The facts that he has a problem with you paying more than him and he seems unwilling to meet you halfway are big red flags. I can only see these problems getting worse as times goes on. Are you sure this is a commitment you want to make? He should be happy that you're relocating in order to be with him, not putting obstacles in the way.

Having discussed this with him since, and in person (honestly, long distance relationships do sometimes make conversations emotionally charged when they don't need to be), I think he is slowly accepting that it's maybe... ok for me to pay more than him on a percentage-of-income/percentage-of-outgoings basis?

I'm starting to think he just didn't want to look like he was leaping on that suggestion too eagerly.

JWPopps

Candyapple wrote: »

He only earns £25k? That is a very low salary for London. He literally can’t afford London and has probably been living there on borrowed time due to the subsidised cost of low rent coupled with no bills. If his salary is £1,700pm, £500 rent, no travel costs, let’s say £200 to cover food and any miscellaneous bills like mobile, which would leave him with £1k per month. What has he been doing with his money? Has he been saving it knowing that you were planning to move down so that he wouldn’t have to rely on you subsidising his rent when you moved in together?

I hadn't even thought about this until I saw your comment, so I asked him about this and he admitted that his £25k estimate is just that... an estimate. He's hourly paid and his job is overtime/bonus led so it looks to me (from looking at his payslips for the past year with him) that £25/26k is his *standard income* on his contracted hours, but he has actually been earning a fair bit more than that.

Also, 'what has he been doing with his money'? Wasting it, I think. He has some savings, but not many, and he has a takeaway habit he's already trying to cut down on, a fancy gym membership that luckily expires next month and a penchant for designer jeans that my 'I only really shop at George and charity shops' mentality will never understand. And for the last year he's spent a fair whack on train tickets to come and see me.

I can honestly say, with great affection for him but also a lemony hint of criticism, he's lived in London I think 4 years in total and yet I don't think he really understands how expensive it is to live in London... because he's been cushioned by his bargain living situation.

Candyapple wrote: »

Studio apartments in Stockwell you would be looking at £1,300 upwards, 1 bed flats start from £1,700 upwards. I would not advise a studio flat as most of them are very small and poky and you would go stir crazy. They are not made for couples living together long term, mainly for single people. Remember you would be literally be doing everything in one room. Eating, cooking, sleeping etc. Do not underestimate how cramped you would feel or what you would do if you had an argument and needed some space.

This is SO helpful, thank you so much. I think the studio flat thing has been worrying me partly for this reason, but I guess spending 6 months in a double room together (current plan) will be a pretty big test of our tolerance. Luckily the property we're looking to move to is a shared flat but DOES at least have a shared living room, so we might have some ability to cool off away from each other.

Candyapple wrote: »

So if he is adamant about staying in the local area, you’d be looking at starting from £1,700 per month. If you use that as a baseline and add say £200 per month at a conservative estimate for your household bills, £1,900 per month total or £950 each. That is almost double what he’s paying now. BUT if he still remained on £25k, it would mean he should still have £750 per month left to do with as he pleases. Why is he struggling so much with this? If he was to compromise, you could move to a cheaper area and he could either bus / tube / tram / bike it to work for a pittance and you would both still be quids in living in a cheaper area with larger property. Yes he may have to get up earlier for work, but isn’t that what compromise and sacrifice is all about?

From the past few weeks I feel like he WILL compromise, but on a slower timeframe than I would ideally like. So, my plan now is to move into a cheap option with him for 6 months, save up enough that we've got a good bond to offer when we find a decent flat after that, and in that 6 months both of us need to get to know other areas of London better so we know what we will and won't accept.

Frankly, I'd like him to get a better job. He could be paid much better for what he does at any other company in his industry in London, and if he DID then our location would change anyway, because a lot of those places are towards the North or East of London. But it really is his decision, I'm not going to make him apply for something he doesn't want, so I'm keeping an open mind.

Savvy_Sue

Fire_Fox wrote: »

This. Cycling to work widens the area, means you need a larger-than-studio flat anyway, with some kind of bike storage.

Or you Boris Bike it, as DS2 has been doing for a few years.