relocating for relationship - how to avoid arguments

mimiduck

It's up to you (and him) to find out what works for you but this is what I thought about your situation:
- Like other people have mentioned the compromises mainly come from you, not him. He seems to be dead set on what he wants. This smells a bit fishy to me but that's just what i read of it.

- The comment about him being able to walk to work - Jesus, how many people have a luxury of that! He should be very lucky to have this, I have always commuted to work as do many others and find this the norm

- Very good to read he wants to split 50/50 - not everyone thinks that automatically..
- It looks like you would be able to afford a Studio - personally i lived in one for a year with my partner, you do lose all your privacy but it's a good way to test the relationship (couldn't do this for 2 years though)

- Tip: for me I was located in Scotland when I relocated to London, my partner searched the flat. Big mistake, it was not a great flat and i think he took the first thing he looked at without thinking as he wasnt too bothered- of course this does not happen to everyone

- 0 Deposit: more agencies do this however any disputes you may have can be solved with ADR if need be, i dont think it's good to rule out properties due to this. Deposits have recently been capped as well.


Good luck

chesky

Deposits aren't such a problem nowadays but be sure you know which organisation the landlord is lodging them with. They have the power when it comes to refunding. Be sure you take an inventory - with photographs - before you sign the tenancy agreement.

z1a

Candyapple wrote: »

He only earns £25k? That is a very low salary for London. He literally can’t afford London and has probably been living there on borrowed time due to the subsidised cost of low rent coupled with no bills. If his salary is £1,700pm, £500 rent, no travel costs, let’s say £200 to cover food and any miscellaneous bills like mobile, which would leave him with £1k per month. What has he been doing with his money? Has he been saving it knowing that you were planning to move down so that he wouldn’t have to rely on you subsidising his rent when you moved in together?

Studio apartments in Stockwell you would be looking at £1,300 upwards, 1 bed flats start from £1,700 upwards. I would not advise a studio flat as most of them are very small and poky and you would go stir crazy. They are not made for couples living together long term, mainly for single people. Remember you would be literally be doing everything in one room. Eating, cooking, sleeping etc. Do not underestimate how cramped you would feel or what you would do if you had an argument and needed some space.

So if he is adamant about staying in the local area, you’d be looking at starting from £1,700 per month. If you use that as a baseline and add say £200 per month at a conservative estimate for your household bills, £1,900 per month total or £950 each. That is almost double what he’s paying now. BUT if he still remained on £25k, it would mean he should still have £750 per month left to do with as he pleases. Why is he struggling so much with this? If he was to compromise, you could move to a cheaper area and he could either bus / tube / tram / bike it to work for a pittance and you would both still be quids in living in a cheaper area with larger property. Yes he may have to get up earlier for work, but isn’t that what compromise and sacrifice is all about?

I think he is being very unreasonable not willing to compromise at all. £500 for a room in a house share with bills included is a good deal – for a single person.

There is no way if he is sharing with 7 other men that:

1) His landlord would allow you to move in in the first instance
2) The other 7 tenants would agree and be happy with a girl moving in
3) He is delusional if he thinks 2 adults working in professional jobs sharing a tiny single bedroom together and the rest of the house with 7 other people will work long term, all so that he doesn’t have to change his way of life or pay more money.

Agree with all that. (Apart from the fact that it's 6 other men, not 7).

[Deleted User]

Do you have to move into a property with him straight away when you move to London. Sounds like things are already a bit shaky so could you rent somewhere by yourself, maybe in even a flatshare so that you get to know London a bit better and more people there, and he remains in the flatshare he is in now. Then in 6 or so months time look to rent somewhere together.

Fire_Fox

Soundgirlrocks wrote: »

I work in Brixton and live 7 mile away - I cycle (up and over Crystal Palace Hill!), he doesn't have to be within walking distance of work which in London is a luxury, he could cycle in which gives many more options. There are government back ride to work schemes and lot of companies have showers facility's (not that you need them if you go at a gentle pace) London is becoming more cycle friendly.

This. Cycling to work widens the area, means you need a larger-than-studio flat anyway, with some kind of bike storage.

One bedroom flats in London are mostly tiny, they are not great for having guests sleepover other than inebriated mates. Small living area open to tiny kitchen.

For the bedroom sleepers getting a glass of water from the kitchen feels intrusive, and for living area sleepers there are limited options for comfort.

Don't get a corner sofa, please, get a clic-clac sofabed.

Facknats

I was in this exact position just a year ago, with boyfriend fully expecting me to move into his box room with only just enough room for a desk and bed, and with a housemate taking residence in any shared area you needed to use at any given time. This despite selling all my belongings, changing jobs and moving from all friends and family to be with him

I found a lovely house and told him either I would move in alone, or he could come with me and that he'd lost the opportunity to look together by leaving me to do all the work for the relationship to exist at all. He came with me, of course, because his mates would think he's a bit of a plonker continuing to pay double rate for a box room in a shared house, when all of his successful friends are in houses with their S/O.

onwards&upwards

Facknats wrote: »

I was in this exact position just a year ago, with boyfriend fully expecting me to move into his box room with only just enough room for a desk and bed, and with a housemate taking residence in any shared area you needed to use at any given time. This despite selling all my belongings, changing jobs and moving from all friends and family to be with him

I found a lovely house and told him either I would move in alone, or he could come with me and that he'd lost the opportunity to look together by leaving me to do all the work for the relationship to exist at all. He came with me, of course, because his mates would think he's a bit of a plonker continuing to pay double rate for a box room in a shared house, when all of his successful friends are in houses with their S/O.

Bit surprised you let him tbh.

LandyAndy

How long before he's moaning that he has no disposable income and you have loads?

Might be better to look at a situation where you have equal amounts left at the end of each month? That would be just as 'fair'.

getmore4less

How much of an increase is your salary moving to London?

Unless there are opportunities to grow both salaries I can't see haw this makes any financial sense given the costs of living in London.

Smodlet

I agree with everyone who has questioned your boyfriend's commitment. I am hearing alarm bells with every sentence you write. The only way relationships work is if you (plural, both parties) work at them. The minute one takes the other for granted it is time to either backpedal like crazy until you rediscover mutual respect or come to terms with the fact it is over. I thank all the powers OH and I chose the first option all those years ago.

I think your boyfriend has become far too comfortable in his lads' let and that you would not last a night there; I know I wouldn't. Imho, either he needs to wake up and smell the coffee or you need to realise you can do a whole lot better. £25k is not even "average" for the whole country; for London, it is a pittance. He needs to step up his game and find a higher paying job or learn to damned well compromise. What on earth is wrong with the female being the higher earner? It's the 21st century, not 1950!

Whatever happens and whatever you decide, I think you may be in for a revelation; it remains to be seen whether it will be good or bad. I hope things go the way you want them to and it all works out well for you, I really do.