talk me down please

mellymoo74 · 21 April 2014 at 12:12AM

Ok 10 years ago me and OH took MIL and Aunty away the plan was during this break we would invite em to the wedding.
Before we could they stormed off and refused to answer any of my OHs calls.
OH tried to get them to talk didn't happen and the wedding went ahead.
Eventually OH and MIL are reconciled 2 years on another argument is provoked eventually reconciled then a big bust up about her not being at our wedding then reconciled rinse and repeat.
MIL has been diagnosed with terminal cancer we have been ensuring she has company food etc (regular visits) I went to her appointment with her last Fri then last Sat OH goes around to see her and the wedding row was provoked again she went in for an op Mon telling OHs sister the auntie nephews etc to not tell my OH she was in or the ward or when the op was.
OH is upset so I get the hospital info so at least we can find out how she is.
We went to see her at the hospital on Fri aft and discovered shed been discharged in the morning.
Still not called OH no contact nothing.
I am livid my OH has been beside themselves and deeply upset (which is the intention) she can't even allow people to say she is ok.
So how do I keep my OH on a nice even keel and stop myself from telling her off?

Gingernutty · 21 April 2014 at 1:18AM

mellymoo74 wrote: »

Ok 10 years ago me and OH took MIL and Aunty away - the plan was during this break we would invite em to the wedding.

Before we could they stormed off and refused to answer any of my OHs calls.

OH tried to get them to talk didn't happen and the wedding went ahead.

Eventually OH and MIL are reconciled.

2 years on, another argument is provoked, then eventually reconciled, then a big bust up about her not being at our wedding, then reconciled rinse and repeat.

MIL has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. We have been ensuring she has company and food etc (regular visits).

I went to her appointment with her last Fri then last Sat OH goes around to see her and the wedding row was provoked again.

She went in for an op Mon telling OHs sister, the auntie nephews etc, to not tell my OH she was in or the ward or when the op was.

OH is upset so I get the hospital info so at least we can find out how she is.

We went to see her at the hospital on Fri aft and discovered shed been discharged in the morning.

Still not called OH no contact nothing.

I am livid my OH has been beside themselves and deeply upset (which is the intention) she can't even allow people to say she is ok.

So how do I keep my OH on a nice even keel and stop myself from telling her off?

Short answer - you can't.

She's a drama llama of the first order.

Now she's terminally ill, people are going to give her a lot of leeway even though she seems to be a spiteful, grudge holding old bat.

She's going to ensure she's going to be looked after, so don't worry yourself about how she's going to cope.

Your OH is going to be angry with her - she may even work that to her advantage.

"I'm a sick old woman! Look how he's treating me!"

The classiest thing you can do is leave her alone and button it.

You two can do without the stress.

mellymoo74 · 21 April 2014 at 1:25AM

Thanks part of me thinks I am being horrible when she is poorly the rest of me thinks what was her excuse previously.

OH is mainly angry with the others for not contacting him at the minute. I think the hardest thing for him is coming to terms with the fact that she will never tell him she loves him and hes a good son

Gingernutty · 21 April 2014 at 1:35AM

There are a couple of threads about narcissistic mothers - she seems to fit that to a T.

She never will praise him regardless of how hard he (and you, his wife) have tried. He will never please her, get anything right and always be made to look like the black sheep.

He's got to know that - he must never hold out any hope.

meer53 · 21 April 2014 at 11:54AM

I'd tell your OH to stop worrying about it. It's her loss at the end of the day. She sounds like an attention seeking old battleaxe, best avoided.

Errata · 21 April 2014 at 12:50PM

stop myself from telling her off?

Look at it this way, no decent person 'tells off' a woman who is dying of cancer. Compassion for someone who knows they will die very soon can't be underrated.

lilmissreading · 21 April 2014 at 2:15PM

Would it help to keep in mind she is probably get a heck of a lot of enjoyment from the upset she is causing both if you? Therefore if you want to scupper her games, refuse to comment on what she does or act upset. See how long it takes her to ask whether you noticed something she did and have a little smile to yourself cos it won't be long. Keep the moral high ground by smiling sweetly on the outside and I bet nothing will gall her more. That's how it goes with the drama llamas in my family.

That way you are treating her with politeness but not letting her 'win' by forcing you into looking bad.

I am so sorry for you and OH - what a horribly difficult situation. Take care of both of you

lilmissreading · 21 April 2014 at 2:19PM

Errata wrote: »

Look at it this way, no decent person 'tells off' a woman who is dying of cancer. Compassion for someone who knows they will die very soon can't be underrated.

On the one hand yes. On the other hand dying does not excuse you from being a basically decent human being. Any of us can forgive someone for being afraid, grumpy, snappy, tired, depressed, angry and so on but compassion for someone who has always and keeps on, flinging it back in your face it much harder to deal with as they don't seem to want compassion but your upset. Dying doesn't make you a good person or allow you carte blanche in my opinion.

mellymoo74 · 21 April 2014 at 3:06PM

lilmissreading wrote: »

On the one hand yes. On the other hand dying does not excuse you from being a basically decent human being. Any of us can forgive someone for being afraid, grumpy, snappy, tired, depressed, angry and so on but compassion for someone who has always and keeps on, flinging it back in your face it much harder to deal with as they don't seem to want compassion but your upset. Dying doesn't make you a good person or allow you carte blanche in my opinion.

Thank you for understanding. Shes been trying to provoke this for 6 months I defy anyone to not want to tell off a woman who makes her son feel small and worthless who can still make him cry

Yorkie1 · 21 April 2014 at 3:29PM

lilmissreading wrote: »

On the one hand yes. On the other hand dying does not excuse you from being a basically decent human being. Any of us can forgive someone for being afraid, grumpy, snappy, tired, depressed, angry and so on but compassion for someone who has always and keeps on, flinging it back in your face it much harder to deal with as they don't seem to want compassion but your upset. Dying doesn't make you a good person or allow you carte blanche in my opinion.

+1.

If the situation is that she doesn't want anything to do with your OH, and the family are partially estranged too, then I wonder what you would have to lose by giving her some measured, constructive feedback?

What would your OH say to this - would he hate you to do it, or not?

lilmissreading · 21 April 2014 at 3:36PM

mellymoo74 wrote: »

Thank you for understanding. Shes been trying to provoke this for 6 months I defy anyone to not want to tell off a woman who makes her son feel small and worthless who can still make him cry

You're welcome. I would hate DH (or myself for that matter) to be put in such a position. I would still want to censor unacceptable behaviour regardless of someone's health condition. There are always limits and your well being (both of you) counts too. Dying doesn't just affect the individual who is terminal. If you've behaved badly all your life and keep on doing it you can't expect people round you to change overnight because you're ill. You can only expect change when you change.

talk me down please

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