talk me down please

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  • Gingernutty
    Gingernutty Posts: 3,769
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    Feel free to vent away.

    When you're not interacting with her and her golden circle, you're not under her control. Putting yourself out for her got nothing but spite, so why should you?

    You have to do what you feel is right for you and your husband.
    :huh: Don't know what I'm doing, but doing it anyway... :huh:
  • pollypenny
    pollypenny Posts: 29,392
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    That's a good sign, she has missed him. Keep that sort of distance going, let her seek him, and you, out.
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
  • mellymoo74
    mellymoo74 Posts: 6,529
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    During the call she had a go that hed not visited her in the hospital that she hadn't told us she was in. OH told her he'd called every day and gave her the time she went down for her op etc then it was the hospital had never said hed called but they told her when his sister called.
    OH hasn't been round yet and I'm not raising it with him, it was a lot of nodding and soothing when he was telling me whilst inside I was seething.

    I think the hope she will explain her behaviour, tell him she loves him etc are being dangled again and I am biting my tongue so I don't shatter his dreams as I can't tell whether it's better for him to have themor not.
  • cavework
    cavework Posts: 1,992 Forumite
    She is actually making a move forward
    From what I have read he really is important to her and she is only now realising she only has a short time to tell him this .. forget the siblings forget the past (just for now)
    She knows she is dying .. the way your OH handles the next few weeks/months is for his peace of mind only, not the Mum he has problems with, although I truly hope they can reconnect as mother and son .
    If he gets it wrong , he will have to live with his decision for the rest of his life while she is tucked up in her grave (sorry)
    TC
    xxx
  • mellymoo74
    mellymoo74 Posts: 6,529
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    I can honestly see why you would think this.
    From my 12 year relationship with her I would say this isn't the case, the call was too berate and guilt trip OH for not visiting (despite the fact that she made that the case) and suck him back in, the fact that once it was made clear OH was in touch with the ward it became the hospitals fault for not telling her he had called (yet saying that the golden child called strange that) helps make that clear. OH still hasn't been round but he asked me to add stuff to my food delivery for her which like a supportive wife I have done.
    I used to make very similar excuses for her but following this I just can't.
  • cavework
    cavework Posts: 1,992 Forumite
    TBH do the right thing.. you make sure her time left is filled with love and compassion no matter what an a*** she may have been in the past
    You and your OH need to understand that when she dies it will be you and OH who will have to live with how you dealt with this.
    You are not the first to have to deal with this situation and you won't be the last, but your decision now as how to handle this, will have a long term effect on you , I can't tell you to forget the past but it's a horrible situation when things are not resolved and someone has died
    (sorry for being so dramatic , but it is true)
  • mellymoo74
    mellymoo74 Posts: 6,529
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    edited 2 May 2014 at 5:20AM
    He went round Wednesday and took her her meat shes still in 'nice stage' that should last until he goes round tonight when the criticism will start again judging by previous occasions.

    Oh and its stage 2 not the I will be dead in 2 months that was said when she was having a go exact words 'well I will be dead in 2 months from the cancer so you can throw a party cos you're rid of me'

    OH didn't know what that meant so I went through stages with him (ie my dad was stage 4 and he lived just under 2 years) Uterine cancer can be faster growing but average life span at her age with a stage 2 is over 5.

    Its OHs decision my job is to keep him sane hence getting my venting out here so he can just get love and support.

    And you are right about the fault picking. The hospital appointment where they organised the hysterectomy was my 40th birthday. I went with her taking a days holiday and got 'couldn't this appointment have been arrange for earlier we are going to hit the traffic now (I paid for a bloody taxi!)

    Most people cant grasp that not every mum is nice and they are not all deserving of unconditional love having watched her treat OH like dirt because he wanted to see his dad when he was 6 for 12 years I find niceness difficult.

    cavework, do you honestly have clue here?

    Did you not read the part where the old bat had a go at her son for not visiting the hospital when no one told him she was there?

    As far as the old b!tch is concerned, there are winners and losers. She has to win every time. Every conversation, every social 'transaction', every argument, every time. She's got to look good and that means someone has to look bad. And that means scapegoat son has to lose.

    The idea that she owes anyone for anything is such a joke to her that she won't even contemplate the notion.

    All the work mellymoo74 and her OH have put in so far - shopping, visiting, organising hospital appointments - that, as far as she's concerned is her due. No thanks required.

    She's probably picked fault with everything done for her so far.

    mellymo74 and her OH have to do what's right for them. They've tried and been criticised every step of the way.

    Now, the old bat's on her death bed and you can bet she's going to milk that for all it's worth.
  • CH27
    CH27 Posts: 5,531 Forumite
    Melly I think you need to be preparing your OH that he will never get what he wants or needs from his mum no matter what he does.

    He can never change her but he can change his mindset & expectations.

    I don't say the above lightly because I went through all this with my mum before she died & I know it's easier said than done.
    Try to be a rainbow in someone's cloud.
  • mellymoo74
    mellymoo74 Posts: 6,529
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    CH27 wrote: »
    Melly I think you need to be preparing your OH that he will never get what he wants or needs from his mum no matter what he does.

    He can never change her but he can change his mindset & expectations.

    I don't say the above lightly because I went through all this with my mum before she died & I know it's easier said than done.

    I try and make sure he knows that her behaviour is not his fault sometimes he even believes me.
    She makes her choices based on her mental state I know that she isn't going to tell him what he hopes she will I need to find a way of helping him understand that and also understand its not his fault.
  • lilmissreading
    lilmissreading Posts: 713 Forumite
    Pete's sake. That woman.

    Yeah I bet she did call when she hadn't heard from him. Who else does she get to play her sadistic mind games with? She knows far too well how to push his buttons following years of doing this and she isn't going to stop now.

    A lifetime of this is too much and I regret that I can't see a good ending to this. I very much fear your poor OH will end up guilty and stressed regardless.

    Props to you mellymoo for not sharing with OH when he just needs a loving ear and not more grief. You come and vent any time you need.

    Do you have a cushion/beanbag etc you pretend is her and then punch the heck out of it? When it was my relatives DH would obligingly sit against a wall protected by a very large thick cushion or beanbag while I punched the living daylights out of it. You could probably just leave it on the sofa or go for a sofa cushion.

    The pattern will cotninue as long as he lets it. His choice is to carry on and it will be the same as it ever was or to change and the high chance of it blowing up in his face with her refusing to speak to him. You and I might consider this a blessing but doesn't seem like he would. Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't :(
    Met DH to be 2010
    Moved in and engaged 2011
    Married 2012
    Bought a house 2013
    Expecting our first 2014 :T
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