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talk me down please

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  • edited 21 April 2014 at 6:32PM
    caveworkcavework Forumite
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    edited 21 April 2014 at 6:32PM
    Eventually OH and MIL are reconciled 2 years on another argument is provoked eventually reconciled then a big bust up about her not being at our wedding then reconciled rinse and repeat. ..


    Your OH is her little boy , was and always will be.
    You are just the DIL (sorry)
    She needs her son but refuses to admit it.. she is his Mum and maybe is one of many who find it very hard to understand that when their son meets the love of his life , their job as number one woman in sons life is replaced
    Your OH has this chance to make sure that when the time comes he has taken the opportunity to tell his Mum how much she has meant to him during his life and done everything possible for her..
    MIL won't worry once she is gone but your OH will have to live with any decisions made now.
    Send him on his own to have one to one time with his Mum ..as often as he/she needs He is a grown up adult man.
    xx
    PS tell him to ignore the wedding agro , if she keeps bringing it up , it is because she feels bad .. start concentrating on the years she spent bringing him up
  • mellymoo74mellymoo74 Forumite
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    The wedding is just what she has used since it was available as ammo prior to that it was the fact he still wanted to see his dad when they split up (he was 6 and is now 43)

    I tried the benefit of the doubt dislikes the interloper excuses but shes done this his whole life

    Spoke to him about me talking to her he thinks it would make it worse so thats out. He did let me explain his position to our nephew who has apologised for not telling him what was going on.
  • caveworkcavework Forumite
    2K posts
    Mellymoo.. what does your OH want to do about it?
    Not you , not the rellies, just him?
  • mellymoo74mellymoo74 Forumite
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    He wants his mum to talk to him and to keep away from the others.

    One on one time doesn't work, we tried that without the code word shes able to get him to argue back.
    So do I bolster his confidence and encourage him, keep out of it and pick up the pieces when it goes wrong?
  • pollypennypollypenny Forumite
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    mellymoo74 wrote: »
    He wants his mum to talk to him and to keep away from the others.

    One on one time doesn't work, we tried that without the code word shes able to get him to argue back.
    So do I bolster his confidence and encourage him, keep out of it and pick up the pieces when it goes wrong?



    Yes, all you can do is support him. If he's tried a one to one, opening their hearts and it's failed that's a shame.

    Do other relatives speak up for your OH?
    Member #14 of SKI-ers club

    Words, words, they're all we have to go by!.

    (Pity they are mangled by this autocorrect!)
  • mellymoo74mellymoo74 Forumite
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    Nope, they back up MIL so OH gets flack from all sides. His sister is the golden child who can do no wrong his cousins all amounted to something where as he is just a waste of space etc.
    I discovered today that she tells him he should never have been born at least he is getting all of this out just need to deal with it.
  • The more I hear the sadder I feel for you and your poor OH. But also angry with this vicious, spiteful sounding woman. It must be so hard limiting yourself to supporting him when you also want to defend him against her.

    I don't think you can underestimate what it must mean to him to have that warm, supportive environment to come back to. When we were having some 'family dynamics' we agreed to only have those conversations in certain places so that there were parts of the house that were not about other people and so all our time wasn't talking about them. For example the bedroom was off limits for talking about so it was still a relaxing area but the local pub and the dining table were full on allowed as was talking while cooking in the kitchen. It mostly worked and helped us to feel that we could draw a line under it.

    What a nightmare. Good luck getting through this.
    Met DH to be 2010
    Moved in and engaged 2011
    Married 2012
    Bought a house 2013
    Expecting our first 2014 :T
  • mellymoo74mellymoo74 Forumite
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    That sounds like a good idea thank you.

    And yes the more he tells me the angrier I am becoming I am also proud of him hes managed to overcome a horrendous start. Hes still trying to maintain a relationship with her.
  • mellymoo74 wrote: »
    That sounds like a good idea thank you.

    And yes the more he tells me the angrier I am becoming I am also proud of him hes managed to overcome a horrendous start. Hes still trying to maintain a relationship with her.

    I think sometimes the meaner the parent the more the child tries to maintain a relationship as they are trying to find out why it went wrong or even at the last minute try to make it work. They believe that more effort and it might just work one day. Sadly in some situations that just fuels the inexplicable vitriol on the parental side.

    I'm glad for him that you are proud of him. Quite right too. I think life is blooming tough and I had the good fortune to be born to loving parents. What it's like when that is lacking seems hard to imagine. I hope he can see himself through your eyes and not his mother's.

    I like to send you both big hugs :grouphug:
    Met DH to be 2010
    Moved in and engaged 2011
    Married 2012
    Bought a house 2013
    Expecting our first 2014 :T
  • mellymoo74mellymoo74 Forumite
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    Today we have a first MIL called to check OH is ok as she hasn't heard from him.

    I am keeping my cynical reaction to myself (difficult I admit) because of this and to stop me exploding I would like to use this thread to vent.
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