talk me down please

mellymoo74

lilmissreading wrote: »

Probably not drinking enough. Can understand why as must be hideous having to get up after surgery.

How rubbish for you. Will she mind if you take a book or magazine? Assume the nurse can't say what time they'll come and you could be there for longer than hoped? If she did mind would it matter?!

Nope it won't matter at all, provided I can keep calm.

The discomfort shes feeling coupled with normal service mean we are at subtle stage bit easier to deal with.

lilmissreading

Well hopefully if you can stay distracted with a magazine the time will pass faster than without.

:grouphug:

mellymoo74

And so it begins again.

The infection wont heal so have been going over to help each night whilst working in a temp role and looking for a perm job, got redundancy money last week and got a car ( means OH) can get out and about important as his mental health deteriorated in the year we have been without.
Hes now responsible for getting her to hospital appointments apparently and she wanted him to take her somewhere tomorrow but we arr in my hometown for a family event guess who's selfish evil and will be glad when shes dead of the cancer soon etc.

I find going home difficult cos it makes me think of my dad and upsets me, I am tired, have a grumpy husband, job hunting and training to contend with don't need the additional crap.

lilmissreading

mellymoo74 wrote: »

And so it begins again.

The infection wont heal so have been going over to help each night whilst working in a temp role and looking for a perm job, got redundancy money last week and got a car ( means OH) can get out and about important as his mental health deteriorated in the year we have been without.
Hes now responsible for getting her to hospital appointments apparently and she wanted him to take her somewhere tomorrow but we arr in my hometown for a family event guess who's selfish evil and will be glad when shes dead of the cancer soon etc.

I find going home difficult cos it makes me think of my dad and upsets me, I am tired, have a grumpy husband, job hunting and training to contend with don't need the additional crap.

sounds relentless. Have you contacted macmillan to see if there is any further help they can suggest or her GP? Can help take some of the burden off and if she refuses then it can feel easier to say it needs to be the care or yourself. She will displeased with you whether you kill yourself to please her or not so you might as well save your time if you can.

Lucky him being the taxi - interesting how often 'favourite' children don't have to do this? Because she knows he will do what she wants and they won't?

So sorry to hear there is stress for you too on top of all of this. Hope today goes as well as it can.

Guess who's the bitter, discontented narcissist?

Gingernutty

Oh I hated that with my own family. When I was unemployed "I wasn't doing anything" so I could accompany people, go places and run errands - all at my expense.

London was bad enough, but when I was expected to trawl all the way from the Midlands to London and back on the same day when I couldn't drive, had no money and relied on National Express for the cheaper fares (it was always at 24 to 48 hours notice) - I despaired.

Who told her you now have a car?

Stop sharing information.

Where are the favoured children? Oh that's right. They're busy with jobs and family - she doesn't want to be a burden. To them.

Pandering to her will only make her demands more outrageous - you seem to get that, but your husband needs to get on board with that.

She knows that making demands at such short notice will sometimes mean you aren't in the position to run to her when she calls - she's setting you up to fail.

I agree with the previous poster - Look to see if there's a service run by the hospital or McMillan.

What help around the home is there?

You know you won't please her, so stop trying to do all of it. Rope in as much help as you can - call Social Services if you have to.

Mojisola

Gingernutty wrote: »

You know you won't please her, so stop trying to do all of it. Rope in as much help as you can - call Social Services if you have to.

This ^

You've got the choice of being at her beck and call (and all the frustration that involves) and being in the wrong or cutting back on what you do (and having a less stressful life) and being in the wrong.

mellymoo74

Ok update time SIL was diagnosed with uterine and stomach cancer two weeks ago.

I have been working in a perm role meaning 500 miles a week and trying to keep everyone together OH is devestated he lost his dad to cancer.

Work has been difficult so I have decided to leave and take a part time role nearer home.

mellymoo74

Unlike MIL, SILs is grade 4 so is terminal

mandragora_2

If it helps, I know something of what you're going through. It's a tough road, and not one you arrive at this point easily.

For me it was ten years of working full time, with a young family and giving up every Saturday to do her bidding. The times I didn't go, I was slagged off to the other DIL; the times I did go (most of them) I was moaned at and told what I'd done wrong. If the SIL wasn't there, she'd be slagged off. After ten years I realised that if I didn't go I'd be b*tched about; if I did go, I'd be b*tched to, then b*tched about, with my every action analysed and criticised. So I eventually chose to spend my Saturdays in a nicer way, and know I'd be All Things Evil to anyone who spoke to her, but as I can't have been that far off anyway, at least I'd get to enjoy my weekends.

Cue 20 more years like this, but long distance, insofar as the fact that while I stopped going, my OH felt he owed it to her to go and see her. I supported him in this and occasionally dropped in myself, at which times, I slapped my thickest skin on, my fake smile and just accepted I'd turn in an hour's worth of acting just to touch base and keep my OH happy that at least we'd tried.

Then, last year, after twenty years of whining, b*tching and fault-finding, my OH had been through the wringer so much (he was working part-time at this point, and organised his day off each week around visiting her and meeting her demands) that the day finally came when he could take it no more. He told her to stop saying nasty things about us..She carried on. She then started saying nasty things about him and what a dreadful son he'd been. He stood up, told her that if she didn't stop, he would walk out and never come back. She didn't stop. He walked out and has never been back.

Yes, he found it hard in some ways, yes, there are things which are going on for her right now which would be easier if he was still in her life to help her. But.

She is, sad to say, reaping what she has sown. My OH is a patient man, but when he had finally had enough, there was never going to be any turning back. All you can do is put into the relationship as much as you can and then a little bit more - she is your children's grandmother and his mum, when all's said and done. Once you've done that, if it's still not any better, cut your own losses but support your OH, in whatever it is that he feels he needs to do. Try not to let your own anger get in the way. Look after him, take care of him, and, exactly as you have done, let him vent to you, and then you vent elsewhere. If it comes to the point when he decides to walk away, then if that is his own decision, then he will know how to live with it, because he will know why he's done it. Bite your tongue as long as you possibly can, and as hard as you can. At the end of the day, she's the only mum he's got, and it's so complex the only thing you can do is try not to get too drawn in, but be there on the sidelines for him when he needs you.

Good luck. You'll be in my thoughts.

mellymoo74

We've had the !!!!!in today cos we didn't pick her up and take her to golden child's. As we have been picking her up and taking her every night since the diagnosis not getting home till 11pm not getting to bed till gone midnight up again at 5.30am you can imagine the state of me.
Oh gone to a friends for a break she's called 3 times I am refusing to pick up.