Husband wants to separate after 32 years together - heartbroken and very scared

Your post is surprisingly well organised to say you have had this bombshell dropped on you!

You are already starting to cope and make preparations. But I wouldn't do anything too hasty. Your husband may be assessing your reaction and it may change the course of his own actions over the next couple of weeks.

You should lean on your sister and your friend for support. They might have busy lives, but they will regret not being there for you when you need them, so let them know you need their emotional support.

I very much doubt your husband made the decision in a 20 minute conversation with you. More likely he has made it in his head, in conversation with himself, over the last six months and therefore your are not likely to turn him around quickly.

You will need time to move apart from each other; even if this is just the time it takes to make the practical arrangements for not living together. Your sons will also need time to adjust to the news, and I expect you will have to expend some energy supporting them. I would suggest that you let your husband know that while you make these preparations to separate, you will still be friends and open to the discussing when you might remain in a relationship.

If you don't have a family budget already, make one, and start to see how this budget (both income and expenditure) will look it you do separate. I've been divorced and when we separated it was clear that it was going to cost more to live than we had, so we agreed to both do with less than we needed in equal measure.

I too was devastated and in mourning for the loss of my hopes and dreams, the pain was indescribable and changed me and my outlook for good, but I survived and am happy now, and I expect you will survive and be happy. I fully understand that this seems impossible at the moment, but you are resilient and will rise above this.

MSE is a great resource for all sorts of problems, so come back as each problem arises and we'll try to help.

Best wishes
tp

A friend of mine parents split up for a while when we were at uni together but they did get back together and still are now 10 years on. Times funny at times. You could give it a couple of weeks, see how things go, let yourself come round to it all then seek the advice as after all these years it will be a huge shock tbh.

I wouldn’t rush into anything at the moment though. It’s all still raw, will take some time to get your head around it all. Take your time and see how it goes.

pinkshoes wrote: »

She has the right to demand anything she likes...

He obviously doesn't have to leave, but given the bombshell he has just dropped, and the distress he is clearly causing, then only a first class pr*ck wouldn't offer to give some space!!!

From the OP I don't think it was a bombshell. It mentions that they have been arguing for a while, doesn't sound like a happy relationship to me.

stressedoutmum wrote: »

I wrote my husband a letter telling him all my feelings and how it's affecting me just before I went to see my sister. I've come back and he's read the letter but not said a word so I asked him if he read it and he said yes I have thank you and that was it. I asked him if he had anything to say about it as he should know how it's affecting me and he just said it's hard enough as it is.

Maybe it's been affecting HIM for ages, and you haven't been available - really available - to listen? Maybe he feels it's all been YOUR feelings and he feels cast aside?

I know it's terribly hard what you're going through, but looking back - have you two really talked properly about what was happening, and how you BOTH felt?

stressedoutmum wrote: »

I am having to keep calm and in control when my son who stays at home is is around as he wont find out until Friday when he's taken his exam at Uni.

I wrote my husband a letter telling him all my feelings and how it's affecting me just before I went to see my sister. I've come back and he's read the letter but not said a word so I asked him if he read it and he said yes I have thank you and that was it. I asked him if he had anything to say about it as he should know how it's affecting me and he just said it's hard enough as it is.

Hi, i feel for you, but from what you have said and i have read IMO your husband wouldnt had said anything about your letter as he doesnt seem to talk about his/your feeling.

You know or maybe you dont know your husband so as he seems not to be able to talk, can you try another way of opening him up to hear your side and his ?

As everything, in life there are two sides, as others have said he will be hurting too.

Try and find someone who will listen to you and hear you not just say what a so so your husband is, maybe you can get an insight into why your husband finally wanted to leave.

30 years is a long time and good times you must have had would them times help to keep together and happy ?