Husband wants to separate after 32 years together - heartbroken and very scared

stressedoutmum

I'm not sure this is in the right chat but my husband told me on Saturday afternoon that he wants to separate. We were married 30 years last year and have been together 32 years. We have 2 elderly sons of 19 and 21.

The youngest has always been stressful - lying, stealing and has always caused stress but especially in the last 2 years. Stole family car and wrote it off although he has never passed a test, got sacked from his apprenticeship etc. We are at different ends of the scale on how to treat him. I am much tougher my husband is much softer. The last 2 years in particular have been really bad. We had to ask him to leave the house as he was starting to become violent towards me when his dad wasn't there and I was scared off him. There's always something with him and we are always trying to support him but he won't listen. He is a very immature 19 year old.

My husband and I have had lots of arguments in the last year not just about our son but I think because we are both constantly stressed with him doesn't help

I try to get my husband to open up but he always just walks away and carries on as normal the next day and never discusses the row just 'I'm sick of this etc' . He said he's told me enough times and I didn't listen but he's never sat down and explained how stressed he was and how it was affecting him- it was always just flippant comments.

He called me last week to say he'd booked my birthday weekend away for us which is not until April. We were looking at holidays last week to book for Summer and then We had been shopping Saturday morning - been for coffee and cake etc then had a silly row and its resulted in him making his decision.

I am absolutely heartbroken and in undescribable pain. Can't sleep or eat and been to see doctor who has given me anti depressants. I've love him so much and never felt pain like it. I've tried and tried to get him to change his mind but he cuts me off and says he needs an easy stress free life not all of this.

to make things more difficult we have not told our boys. My eldest has one of his final Uni exams on Thursday so I don't want him knowing before that as he's under stress already for his exam and he doesn't need this as well. My husband plans to tell him Friday. My 2 sons are very close to him especially the oldest who lives at home and is very family orientated.

Im Going through the menopause. I worry about my 19 year old and my eldest getting his degree. I've got my dad who I don't live near seriously ill with Parkinson's and the toll that is taking on my sister and my mum and now this.

I can't understand why he could make this decision in a 20 minute conversation. He's said he hadn't thought it before it's only because I asked the question and I had said to him last year did he think we were becoming more like best friends and he says between the two that made his mind up.

Our house has no mortgage but is only worth around £130,000 so not enough to split and buy us a new property each. He has said I can stay
in the house as long as I need to - one year, two years but eventually I'll still have to sell and still won't have any more money.

He has said I can take over the household bills and I can afford them on my part time pay but I couldn't afford to pay bills and have to pay a mortgage on it as I think I would need some sort of mortgage to top up the £65,000.

I am 57 years old. Petrified of the loneliness and being on my own. My eldest is at home but moving out soon then it's just me.
I have a sister nearby and a friend but they are also very busy with their own lives

We had plans to semi retire around 60ish, do long rentals in Spain and now my world is upside down. I seem to be heartbroken and not coping and he seems fine and very focuses on moving out and won't discuss anything else.

Meanwhile he is still living at home until he gets something sorted. He's everywhere I look - photos all around the house and I can't bear the though of being without him and terrified of being on my own. It feels like a bereavement but he is still there. I can't believe that after 32 years once he goes we'll have no contact as there is no need for him to contact me as he can contact the boys direct. I don't understand it.

Mr.Generous

Edit with some paragraphs I want to read it but can't. A huge block of text on a screen is too much. Thanks.

bellabella

I am not surprised you are scared but you aren't alone . The first thing you need to do is to see a solicitor you are entitled to 30 mins free consultation . Make sure you have all your husbands financial details pension private and works any shares or other financial intrests .
Take a few days off work and just find some peace and quiet to sort your own mind out . You will come out the other side of this whatever the outcome . Take care of yourself x

Comms69

bellabella wrote: »

I am not surprised you are scared but you aren't alone . The first thing you need to do is to see a solicitor you are entitled to 30 mins free consultation . Make sure you have all your husbands financial details pension private and works any shares or other financial intrests .
Take a few days off work and just find some peace and quiet to sort your own mind out . You will come out the other side of this whatever the outcome . Take care of yourself x

... and your own too...

chesky

Make sure he gets an extra bedroom so the 19 year old moves in with him and let him worry about him.

Comms69

chesky wrote: »

Make sure he gets an extra bedroom so the 19 year old moves in with him and let him worry about him.

Or better yet, finds his own place

pinkshoes

For starters, tell him to get out the house NOW!

He has caused this upset, so he needs to give you some space. If he had even an ounce of respect for your feelings, he would leave immediately!

mattpaint

pinkshoes wrote: »

For starters, tell him to get out the house NOW!

He has caused this upset, so he needs to give you some space. If he had even an ounce of respect for your feelings, he would leave immediately!

She has no right to tell him to leave.

Comms69

pinkshoes wrote: »

For starters, tell him to get out the house NOW!

He has caused this upset, so he needs to give you some space. If he had even an ounce of respect for your feelings, he would leave immediately!

Maybe ask him to give her some space; but your suggestion is ridiculous.

One of the pair isn’t happy, that’s it; something tells me if genders were reversed your advice would be different.

LilElvis

pinkshoes wrote: »

For starters, tell him to get out the house NOW!

He has caused this upset, so he needs to give you some space. If he had even an ounce of respect for your feelings, he would leave immediately!

According to the OP they haven't told the children yet and don't intend doing so until the end of the week - after the eldest has sat an exam.

stressedoutmum

The 19 year old has his own place as we asked him to leave October 17 so he's been there for over a year (albeit 3 different places)but never pays his rent - we bailed him out once - but he's months in arrears

Just spends his money on rubbish so we've the constant worry of him getting chucked out because I couldn't have him back in the house but my husband wouldn't see him homeless.

I still can't get over the suddenness of it all - can't think if he's been thinking about it for a while although he says he hasn't or if it's some sort of mid life crisis or whether he needs to see someone or why he would put me through this.