Husband wants to separate after 32 years together - heartbroken and very scared

Loz01

Regardless of your relationship breakdown, both of you should stop bailing out your 19 year old with rent. If he gets evicted, maybe that'll be the wake up call he needs to sort himself out!

BrassicWoman

elsien wrote: »

It's not the OP who has given up on the relationship. There's only one adult child left at home. Really don't see what this would achieve other than to leave the OP in a more difficult situation than they are already in, just homeless as well.

I think OP deserves some calm time; and I think husband is imagining just running away from the children.

Well, there’s more than one way it could pan out.

chesky

Fireflyaway wrote: »

Am I correct that the 19 year old still lives at home? I kept re reading your posts but couldn't determine that bit. If so, tell him to move out. You don't have to accept poor behaviour and stress. It's disrespectful and has undoubtedly had an impact on your marriaged.

See post 11 - he has his own place.

stressedoutmum

He moved out yesterday. Both boys have been told and I don't know what they think. Eldest said I need keep strong and 19 year old says he's there if I need anything.

Both are still speaking to husband which is a good thing. My eldest said we did argue a lot but my husband would never discuss it so that didn't help which surprised me because it never felt that bad to me. I wish if my husband felt that he told me. I did ask him lots of times and he just either said I'm sick of it but then never said anything else or just carried on as normal so we didn't get chance to sort it.

Although he said he only thought about it last week I definitely think he must have been thinking about it for a while but he should have spoken to me but then he obviously didn't want to try.

i feel he's done all his hard parts by telling us and moving out and now he'll feel relief and happy to get on with his life while every minute of every day is a struggle both with the emotional side and practical.

I'm glad my 21 year old is at home because the loneliness doesn't seem so bad when he's there or I know he's coming in but he'll be moving out shortly. He's flat hunting and that scares me when I come home and it's just me.

My husband seems so happy and moving on I am so very sad.

Primrose

Well your hisband is back at his mother's having effectively copped out. Let,s hope she doesn,t suddenly fall ill (is she elderly?) or he will find he has a whole new set of stresses to make him feel "sick of it".

He may start to find he misses some of the better aspects of family life more than he realises. Meanwhile just try and concentrate on looking after yourself, rearrange the furniture or do whatever you feel like doing which will accentuate the house is now YOUR place and if yiu have local friends and acquaintances, now. Is the time to try and build up your relationships with them

If he simply won,t engage or talk, either he doesn,t want to, or is incapable of relating to people which is a form of personality weakness so he may not be going to have as easy a time of it by copping out as he thinks he will. That's his problem. Start concentrating on yourself. And let your troublesome son know that part of this was his responsibility so force him to grow up too and let his father take more responsibility for him going forward.

JIL

I have been with my husband as long as you, and i find it difficult to think of another way of life. So I really feel for you, this has been done to you and you haven't had a choice. I am sure it must be very raw and hurt a lot.

I have seen friends go through the same, lots stayed apart others got back together.
My suggestion would be to make yourself as busy as possible, go out for walks, do things you want to do.
I would also give him some space, don't try to contact him, leave him to come to terms with what he has chosen to do. I do think he will start to miss what he once had.

I agree with rearranging the furniture, make the house yours. Get the paint tins out. Declutter. Resort the kitchen cupboards.

I wish you all the best, be strong x

tacpot12

Well done for getting through it. It must have been extremely hard.

Although having both the boys leave home will leave you worrying about loneliness, I would encourage you to support the eldest with his plans to move out. If he can get settled, it will be one less thing for you to worry about, and you can focus on yourself. I daresay that this will feel very odd after having been looking after your husband and two boys. Take some time to just feel what it is like. You may decide you really don't like it, or you may find it's ok. Either way, you'll make better decisions with the insight about what you feel.

Well done.

just_trying

Primrose wrote: »

Well your hisband is back at his mother's having effectively copped out. Let,s hope she doesn,t suddenly fall ill (is she elderly?) or he will find he has a whole new set of stresses to make him feel "sick of it".

He may start to find he misses some of the better aspects of family life more than he realises. Meanwhile just try and concentrate on looking after yourself, rearrange the furniture or do whatever you feel like doing which will accentuate the house is now YOUR place and if yiu have local friends and acquaintances, now. Is the time to try and build up your relationships with them

If he simply won,t engage or talk, either he doesn,t want to, or is incapable of relating to people which is a form of personality weakness so he may not be going to have as easy a time of it by copping out as he thinks he will. That's his problem. Start concentrating on yourself. And let your troublesome son know that part of this was his responsibility so force him to grow up too and let his father take more responsibility for him going forward.

Why would she tell her son he was partially responsible, so he has guilt which could last a long time? That's just a horrible thing to do. Yes, he may have caused arguments as sometimes happens but no need to guilt trip him. I've had arguments over my lot (children) doesn't mean if we separated tomorrow I'd be telling them they were partially responsible. I wouldn't want them to think that.

She says a petty argument was the end, how many petty arguments was there before this, I'm guessing quite a few and he's finally had enough.

Yes, it's sad and you need to keep yourself occupied and move on. No contact, if he's in touch just speak matter of fact. I hope your okay, yes you'll have lots of tears but try to stay strong. You'll be okay, life will just be different until you will get used to your new norm.

mark5

When I split from my wife, the reason for me making the decision that day was actually nothing major but a lot of resentment had been building for a long time over other issues before I told her I wanted to leave.

The starting point for a split of assets is 50/50 but this varies then depending on various circumstances.

Try and keep it as amicable as possible my wife’s parents really pushed her to get solicitors involved early on and once that happened it just turned nasty and the solicitors made a killing.

[Deleted User]

I know it isn't easy, but could you look for full time work?

I agree with getting the paint tins out, or wallpaper. Having a new look will make you feel a lot more optimistic and help you move forward. If you aren't sure how to decorate (although sure you can) try Youtube for videos. Start with the smallest room or a room you never really liked, if there is one. Having a good declutter can help as well.

I know dealing with Parkinson's is very tough too. I hope the counselling will help. I got some counselling locally through MIND, you can self refer although there is a cost.

Stop worrying about your 19 year old. He is old enough to bear the consequences of what he does and it will probably do him some good.

This is a more long term thing but worth bearing in mind. You might be able to look at Shared Ownership properties, and will probably need a one bed place long term. This might be more affordable. Try thinking of yourself having a more manageable place and the freedom that gives you. You won't lose the memories, you will always take them with you. They were good memories at the time, now its time for some more, dependent only on you.