Husband wants to separate after 32 years together - heartbroken and very scared

System

pinkshoes wrote: »

then only a first class pr*ck wouldn't offer to give some space!!!

Sounds like you know the situation better than the OP. Wind your neck in if you've got nothing but insults to offer. We don't know the otherside of the story.

stressedoutmum

Thank you all. He has never been good about talking through his feelings. Ive asked him to go to couple counselling or for him to speak to someone on his own as he has a lot in his head. He said he doesnt have to he is fine.

When we did argue he just said im sick of this. He has never sat me down and explained how stressful he felt or we could have had a chance to discuss how he felt. To me just making comments doesnt explain how stressed he felt so when he says he told me and I didnt listen he didnt make it clear or fair if that makes sense.

He told me last night he is moving out over the weekend to his mums and his mind seems definitely made up.

I dont think we will even speak once he leaves as we have no reason to communicate as he can contact the boys directly and i feel if we do i will always be hoping he’ll come back so i have to step back so i dont give myself false hope.

Although i want to phone and text him every minute of the day I don’t. This is going to be a very difficult and painful weekend when he leaves home.

stressedoutmum

He is a great dad and a great husband and i cant take that away from him. He is a kind and considerate man although it doesnt feel like that today. He went to see my sister to apologise that shes caught up in this.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

You are not going to resolve the issue of your wayward son without a united front. Perhaps a trial separation when your husband solely has to deal with him will give him something to think about.

Soundgirlrocks

Sorry for what you are going thought OP.

Regarding counselling, I wonder if a bit of strong arming is needed? If I were you I would say something along the lines of you accept his decision to separate however you want you both to speak to a councillor in order to make the separation as amicable as possible for the sake of both boys. Hopefully this will get him in the room and talking to someone without feeling that you are trying to change his mind. If people feel harangued it often strengthens their resolve.

stressedoutmum

He won't go for any sort of counselling even on his own as I suggested that to him. He can't look at me when we speak and the minute I bring the subject of us up he walks out the room. He clearly doesn't want to discuss it with anyone. I have asked him lots of times through our arguments if he wanted to be here and he has always said yes when he had the opportunity to speak about it but he just won't open up. He's moving to his mums over the weekend which is just around the corner and he's telling our boys Friday afternoon so the weekend is going to be awful. I wanted to just run away from the weekend as I don't want to see him go but I need to be here for my boys as I do 't know how they will react because we are all affected. It's living without him that really hurts because from the weekend he has no reason to see me and I can't believe that's it after 32 years. I have booked counselling for me but that's not until 28th Feb.

stressedoutmum

There's no conversations needed around money as the mortgage is paid and he has said I can stay in the house as long as I need and pick up the bills which is fair.

I can manage the bills on my wage. The sticking point is when we sell the house there will not be enough money each to buy somewhere and I'm 57 in April. If I have take out a mortgage to top up the money I have then I won't b able to pay bills and a mortgage on my pay and I can't see him renting forever.

System

stressedoutmum wrote: »

He won't go for any sort of counselling even on his own as I suggested that to him. He can't look at me when we speak and the minute I bring the subject of us up he walks out the room. He clearly doesn't want to discuss it with anyone. I have asked him lots of times through our arguments if he wanted to be here and he has always said yes when he had the opportunity to speak about it but he just won't open up. He's moving to his mums over the weekend which is just around the corner and he's telling our boys Friday afternoon so the weekend is going to be awful. I wanted to just run away from the weekend as I don't want to see him go but I need to be here for my boys as I do 't know how they will react because we are all affected. It's living without him that really hurts because from the weekend he has no reason to see me and I can't believe that's it after 32 years. I have booked counselling for me but that's not until 28th Feb.

It's probably very raw for him at the moment. He's made quite a big step and he's probably very keen to see it through since making the first large step out of the relationship is the hardest part. Literally, the hardest part has been done, to reverse this is going to be difficult but not impossible.



If he has been thinking about this for a while, there will be a few emotions he's going through. One will be the stubbornness to go back on his decision (since he's already done that part, which is the most difficult) and the other will be the fact that he's probably riding the crest of a large positive wave at the moment. Think relief that he actually went through with it. Both point to the fact that he's probably been thinking about this for a long time and men don't tend to talk about feelings as freely as women would like them to.



If he leaves or has been asked to leave, that puts you in a lesser position to work on him gradually. Time for you to remind him of why you were together in the first place. The good thing is men tend to return to baseline pretty quickly after an experience such as this one and the crest of the wave will have to come down some how. I would agree to space, say that he's more than welcome to stay in the family home as long as he needs and work on being the best version of yourself whilst he's there. Then after a few weeks suggest counseling or mediation to hopefully either draw a line under it to move on or a gradual reconciliation.

Comms69

I agree with Andy; if you want to fix your marriage the opportunity is most definitely there.


But you have to be a united front.


It's particularly odd, for want of a better word, for the dad to be the more lenient of the parents.


I'm guessing he worked long hours when kids were young. Provided but maybe wasn't there as much as he wanted. Now feels guilty that his son is lacking discipline and a good male role model.


If you want to fix this, it's time to swallow your pride and think back on what he has said in the past.

System

Comms69 wrote: »

I'm guessing he worked long hours when kids were young. Provided but maybe wasn't there as much as he wanted. Now feels guilty that his son is lacking discipline and a good male role model.

More than likely. Men are often expected to provide more than they consume and this can breed resentment. We're not called 'plough horses' for nothing.