Husband wants to separate after 32 years together - heartbroken and very scared

stressedoutmum

He has always been around for the kids and is a great dad. I think with the youngest he feels he is a bit like when he was young and just needs coaching to grow up but the truth is I think he's also burying his head in the sand about the reality of our 19 year old. My husband did silly boy hood things but not stealing from employers and never paying rent and constant lies or hanging around with the wrong crowd.

We have always supported him, tried to get him to do the right thing, got youth workers and social workers in - tried counselling for my son uth he wouldn't go. As soon as he was 18 he stopped every outside help.

Even when my son was driving without a licence (boy racing) I ended up reporting him to the police. I gave him 3 opportunities and begged him to stop. All the neighbours were complaining about him and eventually I told him if he didn't stop I would phone the police as I couldn't bear the thought of him seriously injuring himself or someone else. I did report him and while my husband agreed he couldn't make the phone call. When he was young and stealing again I called the police but we both took him. They've been extremely painful decisions for me to make but I hoped he would learn from them but he hasn't.

It's my husband's decision to move out. He told me it would be best if I (he) moved out. He doesn't want to stay. I've begged him to look at it but he's not interested and I've asked him to stay but he doesn't want to.

I've also asked if he has ever thought the daily stress we have over our 19 year old hadn't left us both stressed and tetchy and he will say my son hasn't helped but it's not his fault.

I wanted us both just to take a breath and step back and be kinder and more understanding now I know how he feels but he's just not interested.

stressedoutmum

When I try to talk to him he just walks out the room or goes upstairs. He won't engage it's like he's done the hardest part and he doesn't want to be swayed from that.

Kevie192

I think you just need to leave him for a bit to have some space. Begging him to stay with you when he is unhappy is just going to push him away more.

I get that you're hurting, but your feelings aren't the only ones that matter and you need to give him time and space. Let him move out and experience life without you for a while and then ask him for a conversation once his head is in order.

charlie3090

Kevie192 wrote: »

I think you just need to leave him for a bit to have some space. Begging him to stay with you when he is unhappy is just going to push him away more.

I get that you're hurting, but your feelings aren't the only ones that matter and you need to give him time and space. Let him move out and experience life without you for a while and then ask him for a conversation once his head is in order.

This, exactly, let him breathe, give him a chance to miss you, as hard as it is you are suffocating him at the moment.

I know this is painful for you but it is your best shot at resolving this.

BrassicWoman

How about you move out and leave him with the kids for a bit?

Primrose

I think the two of you have bwwn arguing and concentrating on wrong thing.
You have been arguing over your difficult son and you have both become totally stressed out. He is an adult now even if he isn,t behaving like one.

You and your husband should be sitting down quietly, recognising that you have been together for 32 years and are allowing this son to drive your apart when you should be supporting each other and trying to find a position where you reduce the stress on each other that he is allowing to fester.

Why not sit down with him, tell him that you understand his stress and his desire for a quiet life but this is what you should both be doing together and not allowing your son to drive a wedge between you?

It needs a total rethink of how you both handle your attitude towards your son. Who do you care about the most?. Your husband or your son?You may have to make a hard choice here and your husband too may need to do some reassessment. I suspect he perhaps is less tough than you suspect and he can,t cope with these divided loyalties any longer.

Would it help you you both brought your birthday weekend away forward and got away from your home environment to talk about how you got to this situation and try to understand what are the trigger points which forced him tothis decision.?

Does he feel he no longer figures as the key person in your life because you don't respect the attitude he wants to take over your son?

Your husband is obviously a man who finds it difficult to talk about his feelings and open up but until you can find the chunk in his armour and enable him to do so I suspect he will find it easier to continue closing down rather than opening up. This may depend on whether he can start seeing you being on his side in getting to the bottom of this stress and trying to find common ground on how you bith protect yourself from it and end up being on the same side of the argument.

You say you truly love your husband. Maybe you have to come up with a different strategy on how you jointly negotiate and manage your relationship with this son going forward. It seems he is the root cause of the stress between you.

stressedoutmum

My husband says my son does contribute to the stress but it's not his fault that he wants to leave.

I can't suggest anything to him as he closes me down as soon as I try to talk because he doesn't want to hear it.

He's come in from work as normal tonight and carried on as he usually would do on a normal day - talking to dog - goin for a shower. He asked me what kind of day I had which would be normal and then he goes upstairs so we are not in the same room so there's no opportunity to speak with him.

I think he just wants complete calmness and space and I'm trying to do the same for myself as each day is very difficult and teary although he's not seen that because by the time he comes home - I've pulled myself together because my eldest is coming in around the same time.

Fireflyaway

Am I correct that the 19 year old still lives at home? I kept re reading your posts but couldn't determine that bit. If so, tell him to move out. You don't have to accept poor behaviour and stress. It's disrespectful and has undoubtedly had an impact on your marriage.
32 years is a long time to be together and then split. I'm not surprised you are shocked and upset. I think your letter was a good idea. Try to give him time. Let him be alone and don't ask questions. It could be if left to his own devices and not made to feel under pressure, he might reconsider and perhaps begin to feel that his reaction was too extreme.
You know him best but maybe leave him a nice card? Just a short message to let him know you care.
If it really is over you will probably get through it better than you think. You will adjust and can still do many of the things you planned.

elsien

BrassicWoman wrote: »

How about you move out and leave him with the kids for a bit?

It's not the OP who has given up on the relationship. There's only one adult child left at home. Really don't see what this would achieve other than to leave the OP in a more difficult situation than they are already in, just homeless as well.

tacpot12

stressedoutmum wrote: »

My husband says my son does contribute to the stress but it's not his fault that he wants to leave.

I can't suggest anything to him as he closes me down as soon as I try to talk because he doesn't want to hear it.

He's come in from work as normal tonight and carried on as he usually would do on a normal day - talking to dog - goin for a shower. He asked me what kind of day I had which would be normal and then he goes upstairs so we are not in the same room so there's no opportunity to speak with him.

I think he just wants complete calmness and space and I'm trying to do the same for myself as each day is very difficult and teary although he's not seen that because by the time he comes home - I've pulled myself together because my eldest is coming in around the same time.

Well done for keeping it together. You need to try to do so while your sons process the news. It will be very hard to get through the weekend, but you can do it.

Please don't try to imagine how the boys will react; they won't know how to react, but might conceivably say something hurtful to each other, or you or your husband. If I were you, I would just let it wash all over you; the situation is a stormy sea, you are the rock the waves are crashing over. You might feel worse than you do now, you might feel better, but however you feel, you will definitely feel better once you can get a couple of days distance between you and the weekend! Trust me. Just get through it.

Will be thinking of you.