Morning CCL,

I tell you're going through the wringer again. Whilst I've no experience personally with divorce, my parents are. I can't fault them in their efforts to ensure I still lived a happy life and wasn't too disrupted with it and I've absolutely no doubt that you will do the exact same. You clearly put them as priority and although they might not show it, I'm sure they notice it and it might not be until they're a bit older before they come to appreciate it.

You can't continue to spin all these plates if you're not fully functioning yourself. You seem to be getting better sleep than you have before but now, as a few others have pointed out, you need fuel to keep you going through these grilling working days. You might not feel up to it, but it's worth getting some wholesome and healthy food into you to allow you continue being the awesome mum, daughter, worker and friend that you are!

Hey
Sneaking on briefly at work to report that I feel marginally better mentally but no better at all physically. Still easier to come into work though, and I've gotten the ok from the Head to go home straight after school tonight. I was rereading my post and thinking how angry and frustrated I appear to be, but it is an accurate reflection of how I'm feeling. I don't know if I come across as a spoilt brat who kicks and screams every time she's not getting her own way. I do confess to having very little patience though, and although it takes me ages to decide on things, when I do make a decision I don't change my mind. I can't see the point in dragging this whole unpleasant experience out any longer than it needs to be. I won't be changing my mind. In fact I'll be lucky if I ever get into a relationship ever again the way I feel about it at the moment.

Frustration is entirely understandable, it's not a quick process and is draining emotionally, mentally and financially, especially if you're waiting on someone else.

Evening all
A very quick check in from me tonight as I'm shattered - still unwell and ready for bed. My mood hasn't improved much, but I am staying hydrated and managing to eat at least.
No word from ex - least surprising thing that has happened today. Trying not to get too upset about it. There is time to push things forward so I need to stop worrying and thinking about the worst case scenario.
Didn't end up going straight home - too much going on after work. It's an interesting time - bit of uncharted territory, which may be difficult short term but good in the longer term.
Got home and crashed physically and emotionally. Thankfully dd has been keeping me company this evening and I've learned a whole new world of Jeffree Star and makeup tutorials. I never, ever wear makeup (couldn't be bothered with it) but it's been nice time spent with her.
I've had my night time Sudafed and just about to get into bed with ds for our weekly dose of The Apprentice. 2 more get ups - hope I can make it.

Well I haven't made it I had the most appalling night of (non) sleep that I can remember for ages. Just about made it through the Apprentice, then was up just before midnight for the loo. Woke just after 1am to the sound of my phone getting a text, which worried me. It was from ex basically saying he's poorly again at the moment and isn't dealing with any of the legal stuff. It really wound me up. I didn't get that sinking, worried feeling I always used to get - I just got angry. Tried not to let it bother me but I just couldn't switch my brain off - even with the telly on. So by about 5am I decided that I wasn't going to make it to work today as I'm still ill and now extremely exhausted - got up and sent some cover work in. Went in to switch ds alarm off (he was off sick yesterday with the same thing as I have and we were going to 'try' today but I decided not as it's a 30 mile round trip to his school) and I saw an emotional message on his phone from ex. So I popped in to dd's room and saw one on her phone as well - not enough to read, just the main screen. That actually annoyed me even more. Because of the inconsistency, and because I won't deal with it any more I think he's pushing some of the emotional stuff onto the kids. However, he is their dad and I won't stop either of them being in touch with him - although I need to be sure that they are resilient enough to deal with his behaviour, and I think it's best that they don't see him short term. I spoke to both of them this morning to say that I know he's their dad, however, we know he can get into a state like this and that they aren't responsible for him. He is a grown up and needs to look after himself, and I said I was ok if they contacted him, or if they didn't contact him and that I would support them no matter what - but I won't be helping or supporting him. That ship has sailed. Neither of them said anything much...
I managed about another 90 minutes of sleep and am just sitting here a bit zombie like at the moment. However, I have taken more sudafed and am thinking I might go out for a little walk with ds if he's up to it. The sun is out and a bit of fresh air may do us both some good. Not sure what else today will bring but I will deal with it as and when it happens.

Hope you feel better soon CCL. I think a walk is a good idea. I have the same kind of thing as you seem to have (dizziness, headaches, coughing, tiredness etc, mine came after a cold but I think it is all part of the same bug) and getting outside certainly seems to help. Just wish it would go away!

I’m a bit of a lurker and I’ve been reading your posts for a while and this may seem a bit random but regarding your sleep, do you think it’s possible you’ve got sleep apnoea? To be honest I’d never really heard of it until about 3 months ago when my partner mentioned casually one morning that I’d stopped breathing in my sleep. After laughing myself stupid about why he didn’t think to wake me up if he thought I was dying and then deciding to write a new will, I did go to the Doctor, mentioned it, was sent for tests and 2 months later was the proud owner of a CPAP machine.

When I say for the last year I’ve felt like I’ve been constantly exhausted, and walking around in a hazy fog of tiredness and suddenly now I’m using the machine I feel like a completely new woman, it’s not far off the mark. I had no real risk factors for it apart from snoring but they discovered during my test that I was stopping breathing up to 35 times an hour, up to 57 seconds at a time.

Your body never gets any deep sleep so you don’t feel rested and I was living on caffeine, adrenaline and pure grit and suffering from headaches and minor coughs and colds all the time as the lack of restorative sleep really can mess up your immune system. I also put on weight and found it really difficult to shift it. I was stressed and upset and couldn't figure out why I felt so unwell with no real symptoms or diagnosis.

It might be worth looking into or investigating as until I was talking to the sleep practitioner nurse, I also didn’t realise how underdiagnosed it is.

Thanks for that Blondetotty - something for me to consider. I did have a lot of tests done for thyroid function etc a couple of years ago but nothing came up, and I think that my doctor came to the conclusion that it was anxiety and stress related. Last night's bad night was entirely down to my not being able to switch my brain off after I got that text but I am always tired for sure.
Today has been a bit of a write off as far as getting anything done goes, although I have appreciated a bit of time just to relax. I deliberately haven't slept during the day in the hope that I'll get a good night tonight - you never know. I've spoken to a couple of my friends about the situation and have decided to leave ex to it. At the moment I'm in the frame of mind to never see him or speak to him again, if I'm being honest. Still I'm looking after me and the kids now and everyone else needs to fit in around that. He doesn't at the moment so I'm going to leave it with my solicitor to sort out.
I did go out for a walk though, which was quite refreshing, although I was double tired when I got home from that. Other than that, lots of overthinking, lots of reading and trying to calm my anxieties a bit. I'm now going for a shower and going to bed.

Hope that you have sweet dreams tonight

Hi CCL
I totally agree with your reaction of anger. Bad enough he’s yanked on your emotions for all these years but now he’s leaning on the kids as an emotional crutch. I agree. Not appropriate at all. Would mention it to the solicitor also that texting should be only allowed within certain time periods of the day and should be appropriate to avoid this scenario repeating going forward. Goodness only knows what emotional carp and pressure and anxiety he could be putting on the kids. Well spotted and well explained. You’re doing an awesome job.