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    • ibizafan
    • By ibizafan 10th Aug 19, 12:17 PM
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    How often do you chat to your grown up children?
    • #1
    • 10th Aug 19, 12:17 PM
    How often do you chat to your grown up children? 10th Aug 19 at 12:17 PM
    I have two sons (37,33) The youngest lives in Australia with his partner and two young children. The oldest lives in London and is single. Sometimes a couple of weeks go by without communicating with them, and I wondered what other peopleís experience is, or are daughters different? I talk to my own mum most days on the phone, although she doesnít live near me, but she is 88. I donít personally feel the need to talk to my sons frequently, as we all have busy lives, so am I normal or not? I go to Australia every year for a visit, and Skype, but my sons havenít lived at home since they went to university, and they obviously both moved away. Opinions would be interesting, and am I a terrible mum?
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    • mrgrtt123
    • By mrgrtt123 12th Aug 19, 11:57 PM
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    Every day, it is important to tell my Mom what's going on with my life and to also ask her how was her day.
    • donny-gal
    • By donny-gal 13th Aug 19, 7:08 AM
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    I think lads are different. We have one son, he lives in Surrey, we live in Yorkshire. I find times to talk to him via various non telephone methods. When he was at uni, I could see he was alive via Microsoft Messenger, you could see if someone was on line, and would "speak" to him st least once a week via that method. It is usually he and I who communicate the most, though when he does call I will pass him over to Dad. Now he is married with two kids, moved over to the Apple communications methods. FaceTime most weeks so we can see the kids and they can see us and know us. Apple Messenger if I am up early enough to catch him on his commute. He will telephone when walking home to or from the station, or from station to/from work, but talking into a telephone on a train is a no-no. We do see them face to face, but as we are retired we do most of the travelling, plus we use our touring caravan to stay near them to make visiting easier. We have a family What's App to share photos/videos and family communications. Distance is hard, but you have to find a way. I do feel a daughter would contact more often, but that is life.
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    • heartbreak_star
    • By heartbreak_star 13th Aug 19, 9:58 AM
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    I wish my mum would use technology *sigh*

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    • cuddlymarm
    • By cuddlymarm 13th Aug 19, 10:03 AM
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    We have a weekly family phone call Sunday 9pm and then have a family whatsapp group so put anything of interest on that. We started the phone call when eldest when to uni and it’s carried on from there. I have a family of men and if we hadn’t organised this would have probably not spoken for weeks at a time.
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    • KeeperOfTheMarsh
    • By KeeperOfTheMarsh 13th Aug 19, 10:30 AM
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    I'm a female in my early 20s and I message with my mum throughout the day, everyday, as it's easier than trying to make time for a phone call. I don't believe she has the same level of communication with my siblings, but the pair of us are very close which may explain the frequency! I find speaking with her like this very useful at keeping in touch; it's been the same since I left for university five years ago!

    I generally don't call nor text with my dad, though he may call once every few months to arrange a dinner or something. We don't have that kind of a relationship, so we save discussion for in-person conversations!
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    • SensibleSarah
    • By SensibleSarah 13th Aug 19, 12:23 PM
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    I'm a woman aged 40 - lived away from home (about 100 miles away) since aged 20. I generally call my mum (now in her early 70s) about once every 3 months. We do occasionally text between times but not always. She virtually never calls me - always me calling her.
    When my Dad was alive, I'd probably speak to him slightly more often, but not much. Low maintenance family fits me just fine!
    My brothers speak to her much more often. One lives with her so that's to be expected and the other has kids that she looks after for a few hours each week so they see each other most weeks.

    I have friends who speak to their mum every day and I just can't contemplate what they have to talk about!
    • seven-day-weekend
    • By seven-day-weekend 13th Aug 19, 12:29 PM
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    Our son speaks to either me, or his dad, most days. He has mild Aspergers so sometimes it is a monologue where we can't get a word in edgeways. He is 39.

    His partner sees her mum on a Saturday and her dad on a Sunday (her parents are divorced), but I don't know how often she speaks to them in between. She is 32.

    We all live in the same city.
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    • Madmel
    • By Madmel 13th Aug 19, 1:00 PM
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    I speak to my dad 2 or 3 times per week but never at specific times. Even though he's 84 and lives alone, he has a better social life than I do! My sister lives abroad and phones him every day. I don't know what they talk about, from hearing dad's side of a conversation, it's mostly her prattling on about nonsense.

    DD1 is 20 and a student. I like to know she's ok when she's at uni or away. She is pretty good at tweeting, texting or WhatsApping once each day so I know she's still alive. Last term she was pretty busy so we only spoke 3 times, twice on the phone and once on FaceTime, but were still in daily contact. DD2 is about to go to uni. She won't use WhatsApp ("it's for old people") but will text.
    • Savvy_Sue
    • By Savvy_Sue 13th Aug 19, 11:14 PM
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    Thank you all for making me feel more normal, whatever that is!

    Before Dad died, phone calls would be brief and to the point. Mum couldn't use the phone except by Text Relay, which made calls long and involved. Fortunately she used email, just about, so that was our main form of communication, and almost daily.

    My MIL phones weekly and I usually speak to her.

    Our boys rarely phone or initiate contact. And I generally need to prod one of them to reply. They work on a 'need to know' basis ....
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    • ViolaLass
    • By ViolaLass 14th Aug 19, 7:00 AM
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    I'm not sure lads/boys/men are necessarily different (as a group), we're all different.

    I'm female and speak to my mother about 4 times a year. We'll email when we think of something to say to each other, perhaps every couple of months.
    • dekaspace
    • By dekaspace 14th Aug 19, 9:02 AM
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    I have a ASD myself, if I don't ring for 2/3 days my mum rings me but then I have no partner, struggle to make friends etc so its to stop me being lonely she also visits every 2 months or so, used to be more often but she has to deal with other things nowadays such as her sisters/cousins
    • dan958
    • By dan958 14th Aug 19, 10:27 AM
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    • 386 Thanks
    She won't use WhatsApp ("it's for old people").
    Originally posted by Madmel
    Is it? I'm 26 and only started to use Whatsapp recently as it is easier to have grouped conversations (I don't use Facebook messenger). I always thought whatsapp was something the generation after me did more.

    Everyone seems to keep changing apps, whatsapp, then snapchat, then instagram. I can't keep up with all that.
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    • Cyclamen
    • By Cyclamen 14th Aug 19, 6:51 PM
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    I think from the grown up childs view point this is hugely affected by age and health of the parent.

    I've always phoned a few times a week to keep in touch but now we phone daily at about the same time everyday. If I don't feel up to calling my husband phones my parents (his in-laws). Both my folks are poorly, and get a bit anxious plus I like talking to them most of the time. Calls can be as simple/quick as ; just checking all is ok? to a full conversation.

    If we are away for a week I make sure they know we wont be phoning but that they can ring mobile in emergency. When one of them has a particularly poorly spell we may find we ring 2-4 times a day, just to 'be there' but also to check meds taken, if help is needed etc.

    Whilst my husbands Mum was alive he would phone her most days.

    I still send postcards home anytime we are either away for a couple of nights or even somewhere new for a visit that might be just down the road. Daft but if it makes them happy it's not a hardship to scribble something whilst having a cuppa.

    They return the calls when its one of us who is not so well (we are all poorly one way or another) and frequently check my husband (in his 50's) was warm enough, had eaten his tea, did he need anything etc when i am in hospital

    We are childless (not by choice) and whilst wanting a phonecall/postcard when a pensioner is not to us a valid reason to have kids, I think it would have been nice.

    I think the appropriate frequency of calls depends very much on the family, the needs and what you all decide will be your routine or lack of one. There isn't a right answer. But if someone is living alone and desperate for the phone to ring I really don't see a 5 minute call as too much to ask. (Unless there has been abusive relationship/damage etc)
    • Skintski
    • By Skintski 15th Aug 19, 10:13 PM
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    I’m 38(female) and my brother is 36. We both speak to the parents several times a week. We almost lost Mum to breast cancer when we were children and I think it’s made us both appreciate that they won’t be around forever and as a result we are quite a close knit unit. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
    • Barny1979
    • By Barny1979 16th Aug 19, 7:04 AM
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    40 year old male, text my mother (75 years old) each evening to see how they are doing
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    • sheepy21
    • By sheepy21 17th Aug 19, 4:26 PM
    • 212 Posts
    • 209 Thanks
    Iím the child (28) and I live within 5 mins of my parents and see or speak to them everyday. Weíre very close, even when I was on honeymoon I emailed them daily Iíd be upset if they were happy to go weeks without speaking to me, and when my son is grown up, Iíd expect to see or speak to him almost daily
    • Elinore
    • By Elinore 17th Aug 19, 4:39 PM
    • 231 Posts
    • 807 Thanks
    I speak to my mother once a week. It's a little different to most family dynamics as she has BPD so I limit the time I will allocate to call her. I was no contact for quite some time but limited contact seems to work for both of us.

    My brother no longer talks to her at all (there were periods where her behaviour was terrible and he decided that having a relationship with her was just not worth it) I support him in this.

    I appreciate my mother would love for burned bridges to be mended but the BPD makes her downplay her behaviour over the years. its a catch 22 the BPD makes her behaviour challenging but its also a mental health condition over which she has little control which makes you feel guilty for not supporting her.
    Last edited by Elinore; Yesterday at 4:45 PM.
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