Real Life MMD: Should I continue buying my god-daughter presents?

ka_dugdale · 2 February 2011 at 10:52AM

I have this problem with my niece and nephew, who are 8 and 5. It drives me mad that I spent a lot of time and effort finding nice things for them and their parents with never a thank while their parents just get me things which they have evidently just grabbed off a supermarket shelf on the way and haven't even wrapped! I think that you shouldn't stop buying your goddaughter presents but maybe find a way to slip it into the conversation how important a thank you is.

penarthian · 2 February 2011 at 11:01AM

My childrens' God parents were selected from my friends and although a couple keep in touch the rest have drifted away and my children never really knew them. Being a God parent entails more than giving gifts. I suggest you try to meet up with your friend and your God Child maybe once a year. At this visit you could give a small gift and the child could thank you personally and you could then start to build up a relationship with your God Child.

gaily · 2 February 2011 at 11:07AM

I think that a formal Thank You may be a bit much for some people, but some acknowledgement that the gifts have been received would be nice, and that your presents are not sat in the local post office gathering dust.

As Martin keeps saying - don't spend what you haven't got. So don't feel you have to spend more on a gift - especially as you don't know that she is receiving them or being grateful for them. A token gift should be fine.

My godmothers and I are still fairly close, but we lost touch with my godfather a good few years back - he was a Uni friend of my father, and they just spoke less and less as the years went by. My godmothers made it clear that when I turned 18, that their 'duty' as Godparents ceased, althoguh they loved me no less.

I wouldn't fall out over this 'dilemma', but would say that you could certainly scale back your gifts to a token if you wish to remain in touch. You'll then find out how much your presents are worth, as they may well contact you to check all is well financially !!!!! (Got my cynic head on there!)

Saetana · 2 February 2011 at 11:14AM

DoogieH wrote: »

I can't empathise with this situation at all. If you want to give someone a gift, do so freely without expectation of anything in return. In my book anything else isn't really a gift.

Oh, and if you can't afford to give a gift, then don't!

Gifts given out of duty, or grudgingly, or in expectation of reciprocation, would be better not given at all in my opinion.

The OP is NOT talking about reciprocation, she is talking about never getting a thank-you from either child or parents! Good manners cost nothing and it is definitely the parents' fault in this instance for not teaching their child good manners and for not at least thanking the giver on her behalf. I would have stopped the gifts long ago, once you can excuse as an oversight but 10 years of it is way too much!

I rather like the suggestion of making the next present a very inexpensive one, don't spend what you cannot afford on this ungrateful family, assuming the OP would feel bad about stopping gifts completely, after all its the thought that counts. Reciprocation is not the issue, basic good manners are.

I am also disgusted by the number of posts on here that seem to be saying that a simple "thanks" is not necessary and should not be expected, they seem to be suggesting that the OP is wrong for expecting to be thanked for a gift, I always thank for gifts and always receive thanks for my own gifts, then again I was properly brought up. It does not have to be a card or letter, an email, call or text would do just as well.

Brian_Steele · 2 February 2011 at 11:15AM

My sister-in-law didn't thank us for her birthday present for probably five years. It got to the point where it became almost a game: will she or won't she? Being such a close relative, we carried on giving her presents and simply retained the moral highground by ensuring that we always thanked her for ours as soon as possible. On the other hand, 7 years ago, when we had just had a baby in intensive care and were so distracted that we missed her birthday, the message of complaint arrived post haste!

Unfortunately, the chain was broken last year. She eventually thanked us for her June present in November.

Curiously, while one of their kids is the same, my brother and their other child always say thank you quite promptly.

AlisonMC · 2 February 2011 at 11:19AM

I am quite amazed at the number of people who think it's unreasonable to expect even a basic "thank you". I don't think it necessarily matters whether this is in person, over the 'phone or via post or e mail, but it needs to be said. It's just basic manners.

My nephew has been sending thank-you cards since birth- well, obviously HE didn't really send them but his parents always send a little note and since he's been old enough to hold a pen, he puts a little scribble on it. They mean the world to me.

I suppose it's little wonder that children aren't saying thanks if their parents don't feel it's important though.

I have been in exactly the same position and feel that although it's certainly not worth having an argument, I would send a really pretty card and write something personal inside it.

I very much doubt anything would be said about the absence of a gift but if it was, I would very sweetly say " oh well, she's not so little any more and I never hear from her so I thought I'd stick to cards from now on".

The excuse that parents are too busy to teach their children basic courtesy is shocking- I must be old-fashioned... but at least I'm polite!

slimmer1 · 2 February 2011 at 11:23AM

Mot of the above comments are from the adult perspective - what about the child? Keeping contact with the child is not only potentially extremely valuable for the child in the future but is also part of your duties and responsibility as a godparent.

Gifts are nice to receive but materialistic masures miss completely the thought behind them. Certainly don't spend what you can't afford but the child will only have picked up the issue of (none)responses from her parents so don't blame the child!!!

One way forward is to ask your 'friend' what you godchild would like for a present and if non-acknowlegement really bothers you then mention it - but don't punish the child by withdrawing your contact!!!

You don't mention your relationship with this family, maybe this is time to review it?

999pez · 2 February 2011 at 11:24AM

You say 'should I stop buying her daughter presents even though it's not her fault'. Whose fault is it then? She is 10 years old and has no doubt got her owm mobile phone by now & she can't even be bothered to ring or even text (although I wouldn't be that happy with the latter).
I'd stop giving presents without a 2nd though. It will be a good lesson in life to the child that they should not take anyone for granted.

CLGoggin · 2 February 2011 at 11:30AM

What do you see your role as a God Parent to be? My parents are God Parents but decided right from the word go that it would be a role of nuturing not one of spoiling the child. When said child was old enough, mum sent him a letter (they had moved further away) explaining that she woul help him if he ever needed it and would always be there to support him etc but that she didn't see her role as one of simply giving lots of presents out of obligation (there's nothing about that in the baptism service when the people have to agree to being God Parents!). If you think the role is for giving presents then you agreed to do it and the child had no choice at the point of baptism. I'm not saying they shouldn't be grateful but that wasn't part of the deal; you didn't agree to be a God Parents on the expectation of anything in return - simply the joy of being part of the childs life.
A couple of years ago, my aunty got really funny with me and stopped speaking to me for no apparent reason. When I challenged her about it she said it was because I hadn't said thank you or acknowledged the Christmas present she'd sent. However, I'd never received it and therefore had no idea that a thank you was in order. Firstly this shows me that family (and friends) should really learn to be more open with each other. Don't let bitterness bottle up. We don't know the reasons people do things - we might assume it's rude or spiteful, and it may well feel like it, but we live in a world with a massive variaty of upbringing and values so just let the friend know that it upsets you and she can be the one that decides what to do about it. If, once knowing your feelings, nothing changes then it is just rudeness and stopping the presents would seem like the appropriate reaction. But she'll probably be mortified that she's never even realised the lack of thank yous and make a big effort to show you their appreciation. Also, if my aunty had rung me and said "happy Christmas. How did you like your girft?" then we could have avoided a lot of agro. Don't assume everyone has the same level of awareness. If you care about the child and want her to be happy then there's nothing stopping you picking up the phone and having a chat with her. In the long term, she'll probably appreciate knowing that you care about her wellbeing than having a gift that soon gets forgotten about anyway and (as someone else pointed out) you may have a good impact on her level of manners!

Losinmoney · 2 February 2011 at 11:41AM

All this is a bit twee. All these lovely children doing lovely notes and drawings, with their lovely Waltons family mums wiping their floury hands on their pinnies, baking an apple pie and beaming.

Giving her thank you cards now just looks snide, after all this time of no thanking. It's such a dull present to receive, and you will just be seething waiting for her to use them.

Giving her cheap bin end presents? They will NOTICE, you know. You will feel mean, treating her worse than the other children you buy for. The parents will think you have fallen on hard times.

And don't underestimate you own image. For the past 10 years, you have been looking like an ideal godparent, with a great life, unfussy, busy, generous, a giver of glamorous presents, and kind. No sitting at the kitchen table for you, getting a whining child to colour in a thank you note, getting the right address, posting it....!

Real Life MMD: Should I continue buying my god-daughter presents?

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