His Ex has got the C.M.S. involved
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But your OH doesn't have to play. If the children were still living with him, would he put up with that kind of behaviour? He's their Dad and should be setting the boundaries. If it means he spends less time with them, that might be better for his well-being.
Oh I'm fully aware, Mojisola. They make him feel VERY, VERY GUILTY, accusing him of putting me before them (NOT true) and generally using emotional blackmail. He is coming to the end of that tether, this almost-18 year old has taken a toll of how long he actually has spent with them over the past 12 months - something like 27 hours - once they've had their McD's, been shopping or whatever, they want to go home. Partner is hoping the younger one will stay here with him, new bedroom kitted out, I will make myself scarce whilst she's here, but I know this is NEVER going to happen, if it's suggested to his Ex. She has, very firmly, her claws into those children, who won't be children much longer. My partner has an older son who's completely blanking him after using (almost) the same tactics - this son is also a mummy's boy, as is the almost-18 year old. It's been pointed out - as they aren't small kids, they don't HAVE to see him if they don't want to. My partner doesn't have to see them, but then - he feels guilty. He's been a GOOD Dad, very loving, but they push him away...0 -
They make him feel VERY, VERY GUILTY, accusing him of putting me before them (NOT true) and generally using emotional blackmail.
He is coming to the end of that tether
My partner has an older son who's completely blanking him after using (almost) the same tactics
He's been a GOOD Dad, very loving, but they push him away...
Personally, I think he needs to stand up for himself. While he lets them treat him like this, they will carry on doing so.
Pandering to them isn't achieving anything. Better for him that he spends some money on getting counselling to deal with the guilt rather than throw more money at such selfish young people.0 -
Personally, I think he needs to stand up for himself. While he lets them treat him like this, they will carry on doing so.
Pandering to them isn't achieving anything. Better for him that he spends some money on getting counselling to deal with the guilt rather than throw more money at such selfish young people.
It's really not that easy, I've been supporting my OH through similar for several years now. Parental alienation is a very serious thing and a severely overlooked form of emotional abuse (although emotional abuse in general is overlooked too much)
OH cannot do the right thing no matter what he does. If he drives across the country to see his children and they decide they don't want to see him (because they have had seven years of manipulation from their mother) he is in the wrong for wasting his time, if he doesn't go to see them even if they have already said they don't want to seem that week he is still in the wrong when one of them decides last minute they do want to see him. It was bad enough before they moved and were a ten minute drive away now they are a four hour drive.
When he does stand up to them or his ex he ends up going months with no contact at all because they cut him out completely.
This is the complete opposite of how it used to be, they never wanted to go home from our house and used to beg to live with us, they loved their daddy so much. Now he's a barely existant figure in the background of their lives and it's all been manipulated by their mother.
What are his options? Keep doing what he's doing to at least be some part of their lives until they are adults and can make their own decisions or walk away and they never forgive him and he never forgives himself for not being with them and risks cutting them out of his life forever.0 -
Parental alienation is a very serious thing and a severely overlooked form of emotional abuse (although emotional abuse in general is overlooked too much)
What are his options? Keep doing what he's doing to at least be some part of their lives until they are adults and can make their own decisions or walk away and they never forgive him and he never forgives himself for not being with them and risks cutting them out of his life forever.
It isn't easy - and it is horrible abuse because the children are being taught to behave like this by their other parent - but abused spouses stay in horrible situations with just the same kind of arguments.
Sometimes you do have to stop contact for your own protection and well-being.0 -
The eldest has informed him he's ruined his life and now he can't go to Uni when the time comes.
The eldest would have been very much better off as a student from a low income family rather than a well to do two parent family.
The Government changed that when they abolished student grants for less well-off students recently. Blame Gideon.The person who has not made a mistake, has made nothing0 -
If he contacts the school he will be sent copies of all relevant letters.. reports etc.
He did so today pigpen. Answer? The school need to ask their MOTHER whether she agrees to my partner, their father, being sent the info. Unfair or what? As the ex won't speak to him at all, I can sort of anticipate the outcome. He's their father for crikey sake!!! He is the parent, admittedly not in residence.0 -
He did so today pigpen. Answer? The school need to ask their MOTHER whether she agrees to my partner, their father, being sent the info. Unfair or what? As the ex won't speak to him at all, I can sort of anticipate the outcome. He's their father for crikey sake!!! He is the parent, admittedly not in residence.
The school has it wrong. If he has parental responsibility, he has the same rights as the mother.
http://www.separateddads.co.uk/your-right-be-kept-informed-about-your-child-guide.html
"The Department for Education and Employment has clarified that the parent with whom the child does not normally live is entitled (unless restricted by the Court) to the same rights as the parent with whom the child lives under issues relating to the Education Act. This means that as a parent, you have the same rights to information that the resident parent has."0 -
Well Mojisola, this is VERY interesting! Surely, the school would have this WRONG?? My partner can't be the ONLY absent parent with a child at the school, surely? Many thanks for this..0
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I suspect you're seeing this from one side only (as of course is natural)
These are not small children but young people with minds of their own. Claiming the Mother is unduely influencing a eighteen year old is a bit of wishful thinking
They saw their father leave their mother (and possibly saw him leave to move in with someone else- that isn't clear from your posts) and they are angry with their Dad . Teenagers see stuff in black and white. They see their Dad as the one who didn't just leave his wife but left THEM too.
The fact he is arguing over whether he should still pay for a hamburger for the kids when he sees them or make them pay for their own as the government have decided he isn't paying enough to their Mother to support their daily needs speaks volumes He's hardly doing himself any favours in their eyes by doing that .
Try and get your boyfriend to see things from the kid's viewpoint and not his own and maybe the relationship might improve. This is't really about money at all.Fourteen and seventeen year olds have mobile phones - If they chose to have no contact with their Dad for months then blaming the mother for all of it is missing the point that at this age had they wanted to be in touch even by text or email was entirely possible and they chose not to. Of course if every time they saw their Dad al he did was make nasty comments about their Mother - that might be reason enough for them not to want to keep in touch.
Incidently if your boyfriend wants to support the eldest at university there is nothing to stop him paying them an allowance equal to what they are currently paying in child support once the legal obligation to pay child support for them stops. That would be a matter of personal (and possibly moral) choice. He doesn't have to but he might want to. Just because you clearly dislike the children doesn't mean he can't continue to support them if he wants to - after all you aren't a control freak like his wife is-right ?I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole
MSE Florida wedding .....no problem0 -
Duchy. I've just read your input - three times actually! OK then. Here's a few point I don't Think I made clear.
1. Partner DOESN'T MENTION MONEY to those children. In fact, his Ex USED the almost-18 year old to pass messages via txt or on FaceBook when querying anything financial.
2. Yes, they DID see their father leave their mother - they also saw him hand over every penny he ever earned, as she demanded, and asking - yes ASKING for pocket money for himself for Petrol, Cigarettes etc.
3. He isn't arguing with the Children, indeed he isn't arguing with anyone! He REFUSES to answer or speak to the children about money as it is of course, between him and his ex, isn't it. He has never spoken about/questioned either of them about their Mother, apart from shortly after leaving when the general answer was 'what the f****ng hell do you want to know for? It's not your business'.
4. Partner purchased and continues to pay for their mobiles, so that they could call him if they had any problems, or just for a chat. How many times have they called him? ZERO. How many times has he tried calling them? MANY. They reject the call.
5. 'Just because I clearly dislike the children'. That is incorrect. I too have Children, both mature adults and yes, I lived through (and came out the other side) fractious teenagers years, so NO, I DON'T dislike them, I'm appalled at their manners which are pretty much missing.
6. The mother influencing the 18 year old? She ALSO influences the 29 YEAR OLD.....
7. Am I a control freak? No Duchy, I don't think I am, my partner doesn't think I am, neither do his family/friends that have seen him suffer.0
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