His Ex has got the C.M.S. involved

Mojisola

linclass wrote: »

4. Partner purchased and continues to pay for their mobiles, so that they could call him if they had any problems, or just for a chat. How many times have they called him? ZERO. How many times has he tried calling them? MANY. They reject the call.

So stop paying for the phones!

linclass

He can't afford to give them much Mojisola, so he's at least giving them a small something. He can't be with them, I think it's his way of hoping they appreciate that he IS trying. Difficult, isn't it..

Mojisola

linclass wrote: »

I think it's his way of hoping they appreciate that he IS trying.

How many times do they have to show him that they don't appreciate what he's doing?

linclass

Oh Mojisola, he's really, really scared he's going to lose them completely. NO ONE can ever say he didn't try..

jjj1980

OP I understand you backing and defending your partner to the hilt but I have to say, having been in the position of your partner's children, nothing my mum said or did could have swayed my feelings towards my father. He left when I was just turning 8 for the woman he had been havin an affair with and had had a child with. He didn't just leave my mum, he left me as well, he cheated on "our family" not just my mum. By the time I was 14, I was quite regularly going weeks without speaking to him, and I was more likely to bump into him whilst out with my friends. I despised the woman he left for and later married, who always without real intention showed her dislike for both my mum and myself. By staying with her, my dad was showing his agreement with that opinion.

After 16/17 years with the other woman, he came back to my mum. I was still living with her at the time but moved out at the soonest opportunity. I still now tolerate him for my mum's sake but have no desire for any real relationship with him.

Please OP, stop blaming the ex as she could be completely innocent and the children, no matter their age, could still be very angry at their father for leaving.

The comment about him handing over all his money whilst living with the ex and then "begging" for spending money could be his way of explaining it to you but might not be the actual truth. My grandfather used to do this with his cash pay packet. Would hand the full unopened packet to my gran, ask her to check they had paid him correctly then keep hold of it until he needed any of it. Certainly wasn't a situation of begging for spending money and worked for them as she always had the money available for anything their children needed.

Remember, just like other posters have said, you really do only know his side.

I am also a seperated parent and my ex would have had everyone believing that I had been stopping him seeing friends etc when he truth proved by text messages was that he was bringing absolutely no money into the house, was spending all his salary on himself then demanding my earnings to out partying with his friends. When I refused as I was having to pay rent etc, he would accuse me of trying to cut him off from his family and friends. Just an example that the truth can be a world apart from the version you are hearing.

linclass

Thank you jjj1980, just read your reply. I've taken on board all you've said, thank you. Of course, however much I attempt to put across my opinion, AND STANDING BACK and trying to see things from all sides, unless one is living a situation, others, are never going to see the same as the person (me) involved. We are mature adults (not that far from retirement age) not 30-somethings, have lived through many life experiences and both of us did not take lightly the decision to set up a life together. I thank ALL of you for you opinions/advice on this.

Mojisola

linclass wrote: »

Oh Mojisola, he's really, really scared he's going to lose them completely. NO ONE can ever say he didn't try..

But what he's doing isn't working! It's hurting him and it's not making his children love him - let alone be polite to him!

RAS

OP

What is currently going on is not working for anyone.

Perhaps it is time for OH to spend a little time with each of the children separately and ask them what they want from the relationship?

Be absolutely up front and say that it appears to him that they are very unhappy with the relationship. Tell them that he is very unhappy with the relationship. Be blunt about the fact that he is very upset/distressed (whatever his words are) that they refuse to even answer his calls.

And ask them what they want to happen to make the relationship work? The answer might be an angry "nothing" of course but at least he has opened up the opportunity for future suggestions.

If they then go on about money, tell them that in a divorce money is something that has to be sorted out between the parents and that he has always taken care not to involve them in any discussion with his ex-wife because it is inappropriate. If they produce a load of allegations (about that fortune that he earns and refuses to share) then it might be worth asking them where they got that information because it is not true but otherwise, leave them out.

They may tell him that they do not want to see him, in which case he might have to agree to the split even though this is against his wishes and tell them that if they want to renew the relationship later he will be there. He may find it useful to seek some support/counselling before he talks to them.

For what it is worth both my siblings refused to see their father in their late teens, not because of money but because of his behaviour and both later reconciled.

theoretica

It may simply be that the teenagers don't really like hanging out with an adult - plenty don't - and don't like being pushed to do something they aren't keen on. They will eventually grow out of being teenagers. How much time did he spend with them, just doing things without the mother, before the separation?

clearingout

linclass wrote: »

Further more pigpen,

When the CSA closed my case I had to do the CMS application.. I had no choice.. it could have been the same for his ex too..

No. The original payments was an agreement. All because she demanded to see the WHOLE of his wage slip, rather than the RELEVANT part that stated the pay rise, she decided instead to approach CMS. Spiteful woman. Very few friends. I wonder why?? At first, I took a very neutral stance - trying to see things from BOTH sides. But as this has dragged on, and on, it's plain the type of woman she is. I don't like myself for feeling bitter about this, but it really is starting to have an effect on my partner's health. She will be TRULY happy when he's dead.

really? it's spiteful to want your ex to pay the legal minimum in child maintenance?

You are being entirely irrational.