His Ex has got the C.M.S. involved

duchy

linclass wrote: »

Duchy. I've just read your input - three times actually! OK then. Here's a few point I don't Think I made clear.

1. Partner DOESN'T MENTION MONEY to those children. In fact, his Ex USED the almost-18 year old to pass messages via txt or on FaceBook when querying anything financial.

Is their relationship that bad they aren't communicating at all?

2. Yes, they DID see their father leave their mother - they also saw him hand over every penny he ever earned, as she demanded, and asking - yes ASKING for pocket money for himself for Petrol, Cigarettes etc.

And ? He's an adult man - He went along with this arrangement for years - If he was so weak that he couldn't say he wanted to change things then that is his fault - no matter what excuses you try to make for him.

3. He isn't arguing with the Children, indeed he isn't arguing with anyone! He REFUSES to answer or speak to the children about money as it is of course, between him and his ex, isn't it. He has never spoken about/questioned either of them about their Mother, apart from shortly after leaving when the general answer was 'what the f****ng hell do you want to know for? It's not your business'.

You really don't get it do you ? The children hate him for leaving. I note you dodged the question about if he left his wife after cheating on her - but if he did - it's hardly unsurprising his kids have no respect for him. No-one wants a Dad who is a cheat, Their response to him trying to get information about their Mother is hardly surprising - It wasn't his business and they clearly didn't want to be stuck in the middle - and appear to had to make that clear to him (don't sound like easilly influenced kids to me though)

4. Partner purchased and continues to pay for their mobiles, so that they could call him if they had any problems, or just for a chat. How many times have they called him? ZERO. How many times has he tried calling them? MANY. They reject the call.

So has he talked to them about this ? Can he not see that his behaviour may mean they don't want cosy chats with him? He seems to assume no matter how badly he behaved (in their teenage black and white world) and deserted them that his relationship should be exactly the same. Yet how can it be ? If someone lets you down ....and expects you to just accept it - the relationship is at best changed and at worst seriously damaged.

5. 'Just because I clearly dislike the children'. That is incorrect. I too have Children, both mature adults and yes, I lived through (and came out the other side) fractious teenagers years, so NO, I DON'T dislike them, I'm appalled at their manners which are pretty much missing.

6. The mother influencing the 18 year old? She ALSO influences the 29 YEAR OLD.....

So all the children -including the adult one thinks he has behaved really badly -Maybe you should stop making excuses for him and stop telling him he was justified in cheating on their Mother and leaving them. Perhaps if he stopped insisting he was right and acknowledged the hurt he caused his family they might want to speak to him and start to rebuild a relationship.

Stop blaming the Mother for the children not wanting to know- all this talk of influencing is laughable . Take responsibility for the fact that he left them (and presumably cheated before he left) and that is why they have little time for him. He let them down - and him acknowledging that to them may be the first step to a better relationship. Yes they are rude to him because it's the only way they can get their disapproval of his conduct across to him as he's in la la land pretending he did nothing wrong to them and blaming their Mum for everything . There's two people in every marriage -he is as responsible for the dynamic as she is - and appears to have had several children with her with fairly hefty gaps between them - which begs the question -if she was so awful why did he stay for decades and continue having children with her.

7. Am I a control freak? No Duchy, I don't think I am, my partner doesn't think I am, neither do his family/friends that have seen him suffer.

I suspect your partner thinks what he told- by everyone. He may well be suffering - but perhaps he needs to think about the kids rather than himself and drop the poor me stance and act like the grown up his kids want him to be and talk with them and acknowledge his part in this mess instead of feeling HE is the victim. Yes their Mother may very well prefer the children not to see him - but lots of mothers feel that way - but to claim she can prevent a 17 year old and a 29 year old from having contact is nuts. As you say they have mobiles - they could text him or call him from school, from work or even from their bedrooms- It's hardly as if they are constantly supervised by the mother the way a young child would be. They are choosing not to. He needs to be working on rebuilding his relationshis - not expecting them to default back to where they were before he rocked their lives by leaving. Once he accepts thatchanged everything maybe he can build an adult relationship with them .
You are looking at this from an adult viewpoint and seeing one side - but his problem isn't with adults -it's with teens and if he can put himself in their shoes and understand why they are resentful rather than blaming them or their mother he will be on the way to repairing his fractured relationships with them .

linclass

clearingout wrote: »

really? it's spiteful to want your ex to pay the legal minimum in child maintenance?

You are being entirely irrational.

Oh dear. NO, clearingout.
NO, it's the fact that she demanded to see the WHOLE document, which wasn't in fact, relevant. He paid her what was due ANYWAY!!!! She did this because she doesn't believe anything, anyone tells her unless she has proof.

Valli

Is he still paying for the phones they refuse to take his calls on?

linclass

Valli wrote: »

Is he still paying for the phones they refuse to take his calls on?

He is, Valli..

Valli

Do you know, they might have a bit more respect for him ( and, let's face it they couldn't have any less) if he gives them an ultimatum, and sticks to it, telling them that either they respond to his calls/ texts or he won't pay. At the moment they clearly have no respect.
And improved communication can only be a good thing.
If it were me improved communication, and hence and improved relationship with the children, would be my primary aim.

linclass

Hi Valli, the lad was being his usual difficult self earlier this week, so partner asked the youngest whether she would like to go to the cinema, Answer: yes please, and asked that he find the start times. The lad pm'd him on FB earlier, asking when he was seeing him (even though he was asked re cinema) but he didn't want cinema. As partner hadn't heard from the youngest, he PMd her an hour ago and .... she had forgotten. She was going out with her pals Saturday, so wouldn't be seeing him. He's at the end of his tether, I pointed out sooner or later they would realise ... they're not getting pocket money!! We await further communication....

Person_one

linclass wrote: »

They are very rude children.

one of them was awarded pupil of the year.

That seems a bit contradictory.

duchy

I suspect you might be in for a long wait.
Just what will he do when they don't respond to his blackmail?

linclass

Person_one wrote: »

That seems a bit contradictory.

Rude to their father and to each other, and to their other sibling.

Person_one

linclass wrote: »

Rude to their father and to each other, and to their other sibling.

They clearly aren't inherently bad kids though, rather kids who have a poor relationship with their father despite being otherwise well regarded it seems.