Overbearing overspending parent

badmemory · 4 December 2017 at 3:42PM

I used to find this kind of thing quite upsetting. They ask what you want, so you tell them precisely, only it isn't expensive enough, so they go & buy a "better" make usually in a different colour (even kitchenware). It leaves you being the one feeling bad & they will never understand that you really did want a white kettle not a chrome one or whatever. The bad news is that unless you are prepared to go for a family rift you are stuck with it, she can't help it.

ETA still got the chrome kettle & I hate it!

seven-day-weekend · 4 December 2017 at 3:54PM

Hugh_Cumber wrote: »

Hi all
First post, hope it’s in the right place.

I’m posting to ask for peoples opinion on how to deal with an overbearing, Christmas spending obsessed mother.

Firstly I obviously love my mum and I’m aware this is a very ‘first world’ problem to have, I feel like a !!!! just putting it in to words, but it’s driving me crazy and it only seems to get worse year after year.

It starts the same way every year, I’m asked what I want for Christmas and I usually just ask for the few books I usually have in my amazon basket and maybe the latest video game, which is always answered with “what else ?”

Then for the weeks leading up to Christmas I’m bombarded with with pics of random things in shops and messages asking “what about this ?” To which I reply no thank you, please stop.
This year I’ve been asked would I like a gun and a membership to a gun club ! Because I like those “shooting computer games”. A REAL GUN !! :eek:

So she just buys random things to fill a spending quota.

I’m always being made out to be the bad guy and that I’m ‘ungrateful’ and a grinch. I’ve told her how much she spends doesn’t equate to how much she loves me but she just won’t stop. My house is filling up with crap I don’t want, need or use and I feel guilty selling it or she sometimes asks “how’s that slow cooker” (it’s fine it’s still in the box).
I’m thinking of threatening not to come round this Christmas if she doesn’t stop.

Like I said I feel awful writing this down but it’s how I feel an it’s really getting to me.
Any ideas or similar experiences ?
Sorry for rambling on

It will probably take months to get the gun licence before you can even buy the gun and YOU have to apply for it, not your mum, so that's that one dealt with.

Would she give you the amount in cash? Then she'd still spend her 'quota' and you will have something useful, whether it be the cash or something you have bought that is your choice.

seven-day-weekend · 4 December 2017 at 4:03PM

Hugh_Cumber wrote: »

I’m not ridiculing her at all, I’m trying to show the escalation of her obsessive spending. It’s moved from household items to weaponry !

How is a gun an appropriate present, in any situation ?
I live in a city center !

We live in a city too, and my husband has just been granted his shotgun licence and bought his first gun. He is going clay pigeon shooting with his friend (who also lives in the city). It's not just people who live on farms who have them!

Mojisola · 4 December 2017 at 4:33PM

Hugh_Cumber wrote: »

it’s driving me crazy and it only seems to get worse year after year.

Then for the weeks leading up to Christmas I’m bombarded with with pics of random things in shops and messages asking “what about this ?”

So she just buys random things to fill a spending quota.

You could defuse your feelings by imaging your Mum as Mrs Doyle from Father Ted - she won't take No for an answer, either! If it makes you laugh every time your Mum starts on about another present, you won't get so stressed.

http://metro.co.uk/2015/04/21/ah-go-on-read-the-10-times-mrs-doyle-was-the-funniest-character-in-father-ted-5159420/

chou-chou · 4 December 2017 at 4:42PM

I have a similar thing with my lovely MIL. She has a set amount to spend for each child/spouse and enjoys the buying process but there's really nothing I want/need!

I end up desperately scanning Amazon for books, DVDs, etc. but I would much rather she kept the money and we just had a few smaller presents. I'm not a great lover of Xmas which may have something to do with it! My OH (in his 50's!!) starts thinking about his Xmas list months before the event - it's just how his family work.

The gun could come in handy in case of a zombie apocalypse...

ska_lover · 4 December 2017 at 4:45PM

Hugh_Cumber wrote: »

@Ska Lover - Look mate,
I read your original reply with some introspective interest, of course I like my mother, I love her, it’s her behaviour I don’t like, and yes I’m probably not blame free either !

I just wanted to get some outside perspective and to vent, but I’ve obviously hit a nerve because you seem to have a bee in your bonnet with everything I say.

Twisting this it into an argument about proper gun practices, I really don’t care.

Fair enough you don’t agree with me, noted.
I’ve spent enough time arguing with my mum over this, I’m not getting into another argument with a random bore online.

:mad::mad::mad:

Who is arguing? I have only explained things to you that you didn't seem to understand, such as gun legalities as you seemed to have some incorrect ideas about them. I am not an expert by far, but I do happen to know people that are involved in this.

The law wasn't made to personally upset you - I really don't know why you feel you are engaged in an argument about guns. If you make incorrect statements, eventually someone will correct you

Honestly I am still not sure why you are still raking over this...surely it would be easier for everyone if it went something like this:-

Mum; 'Do you want a gun for xmas'
Son: 'No thanks Mum'
**Everyone moves on with their lives**

kingfisherblue · 4 December 2017 at 4:49PM

Start making a list as soon as you think of something. When mum asks, you'll be prepared.

For example, coffee. Mum wants to get you something better than your usual jar of Kenco, so maybe she could get you a catering tub, or a pack of flavoured coffees. You could combine it with an afternoon out together for coffee and cakes.

Toiletries - ok, so you might use Nivea for Men, but mum wants to spend more, so suggest that she gets you double the amount of your usual shower gel, moisturiser, etc. After all, it will be used over the next few months.

Regarding the Kindle, if she didn't want to buy you the cheaper version, you could have suggested the Paperwhite and/or an Amazon voucher to spend on Kindle books. Mum might want to add a decent case to protect it as well. In fact, you could suggest that for this Christmas if you wanted. It wouldn't stop you from using your tablet, and reading on a Paperwhite is, in my opinion, much better and kinder to the eyes than reading on an ordinary tablet (and it's often lighter weight too).

Food - ask for a hamper of food items that maybe you wouldn't buy yourself, but would enjoy. Personally I enjoy a tin of decent biscuits, but would never buy them for myself. You could add in afternoon tea and a trip to the theatre with her.

Instead of resenting your mum's behaviour, be thankful that you still have her. My mum drives me potty at times, but at 84, I know that she won't live forever. I'm lucky to still have her.

Incidentally, one of the best gifts that I have received (from my children though, not my mum) was a catering tub of decaff Kenco - something that they knew I would enjoy, it didn't clutter up the cupboards or gather dust, and I could use the tub afterwards in Brownies or Guides! It was expensive for their income, so all the more appreciated.

Mojisola · 4 December 2017 at 4:56PM

kingfisherblue wrote: »

Instead of resenting your mum's behaviour, be thankful that you still have her. My mum drives me potty at times, but at 84, I know that she won't live forever.

That kind of emotional blackmail works both ways - someone could tell the mother - what if her offspring died, she'd be so sorry that she caused so much upset every Christmas because she didn't listen.

Turtle · 4 December 2017 at 5:20PM

OP I think you're getting a really hard time on here and that behaviour would drive me crazy as well. I can't stand people buying things for the sake of it, we live in a hugely consumerist society and most of it ends up in landfill. I hope you find a way to resolve it and can have a nice Christmas.

chesky · 4 December 2017 at 5:54PM

Problem is that nowadays most people don't seem to need or even want anything - if they do, they go and buy it. Instant gratification. So come Christmas,you have to spend hours thinking of what they might like. I always ask for Christmas lists from my nearest and dearest, long enough that I can try to balance up expenditure and treat them all fairly.

Perhaps you should just spend some time writing your mum a list of things you might like. Ease her burden. My heart goes out to her.

Overbearing overspending parent

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