Overbearing overspending parent

Hugh_Cumber

Hi all
First post, hope it’s in the right place.

I’m posting to ask for peoples opinion on how to deal with an overbearing, Christmas spending obsessed mother.

Firstly I obviously love my mum and I’m aware this is a very ‘first world’ problem to have, I feel like a !!!! just putting it in to words, but it’s driving me crazy and it only seems to get worse year after year.

It starts the same way every year, I’m asked what I want for Christmas and I usually just ask for the few books I usually have in my amazon basket and maybe the latest video game, which is always answered with “what else ?”

Then for the weeks leading up to Christmas I’m bombarded with with pics of random things in shops and messages asking “what about this ?” To which I reply no thank you, please stop.
This year I’ve been asked would I like a gun and a membership to a gun club ! Because I like those “shooting computer games”. A REAL GUN !! :eek:

So she just buys random things to fill a spending quota.

I’m always being made out to be the bad guy and that I’m ‘ungrateful’ and a grinch. I’ve told her how much she spends doesn’t equate to how much she loves me but she just won’t stop. My house is filling up with crap I don’t want, need or use and I feel guilty selling it or she sometimes asks “how’s that slow cooker” (it’s fine it’s still in the box).
I’m thinking of threatening not to come round this Christmas if she doesn’t stop.

Like I said I feel awful writing this down but it’s how I feel an it’s really getting to me.
Any ideas or similar experiences ?
Sorry for rambling on

Batman2017

I think if your mum can afford it then let her carry on, she probably gets loads of enjoyment out of buying you these gifts. If your mum bought you a slow cooker then whats stopping you using it? They are good for cooking meals you know. Get some use out of it.

For my birthday my mum bought me a fabric wallet along with some other items. I didn't like it that much but i pretended i did and so i replaced my premium leather wallet with a cheaper looking fabric one. Why? Because it was a gift from my parents and therefore it felt wrong not to use it. I've even had derogatory remarks from my friends about my wallet but didn't they feel bad when I told them why i was using it.

warby68

Fair enough not to be keen on spending for spending sake or overt materialism.

But she's your mum - why can't you actually think of something you do want and make her happy? You're a very lucky person if you have absolutely everything you can make use of already.

She loves you, wants to spoil you -different if there are money issues but you haven't said that.

You do sound a bit churlish tbh. A bit of effort on your part to accommodate her and happy mum/no tat. Gifts don't have to be things - do you want some event tickets or travel money for example, membership to anything, an investment for your future and so on.

bagpussbear

It's your mum's way of spoiling you and showing you she loves you.

Why take that away from her?

I lost my mum and dad a long time ago, my goodness what I would give to have them back for another Christmas!

You just need to manage this a little better. When she asks for what you want, don't just give her the books and game ideas - give her a long list of things you would like, or could use - actual things you can use, whether cheap or practical or useful. That way you won't end up with a house full of stuff you'll never use.

DUTR

bagpussbear wrote: »

It's your mum's way of spoiling you and showing you she loves you.

Why take that away from her?

I lost my mum and dad a long time ago, my goodness what I would give to have them back for another Christmas!

You just need to manage this a little better. When she asks for what you want, don't just give her the books and game ideas - give her a long list of things you would like, or could use - actual things you can use, whether cheap or practical or useful. That way you won't end up with a house full of stuff you'll never use.

I just tell that I'd like her to be around for the following Christmas, everything we (my siblings) want we can buy ourselves.

DigForVictory

Take a leaf from her book - find a show you think she'd enjoy & that you could tolerate squiring her to, & send her the link "what about this?"

She'll either be delighted to find something you're both in agreement on, or have to figure a polite "not quite my thing" in her turn - but do please try to figure something you could meet up & do together & enjoy.
It'll give her bragging rights & happy memories for months if not years & aren't those the best gifts, anyway?

You may not currently have a use for that slow cooker, but if you both had a few cookery lessons together? You both might learn new things & have fun & come home with something to eat & enjoy.

The joint things you could both get some thing from may not be easy to find, but if health permits, grab an unusual opportunity - a riding lesson, a basic introduction to diving, an advanced driving lesson - something Different but that might be useful & will certainly be memorable?

She'll not be here forever, so spend time with her doing something that'll amuse you both. Even if in hindsight. Me, I'm taking my mum around a new John Lewis in her wheelchair as the rest of the family are too busy to indulge her curiosity. I strongly doubt we'll emerge with a new cooker & set of bath towels, (there being limits on what I can push) but I think the lights, the variety, the amazing things people will buy (& at what prices!)? She's looking forward to it!

I hope your mum is more mobile, but even if that's all you can agree on - a joint putter around a shopping mall you'd otherwise avoid - take her, carry for her & cosset her a bit. If she absolutely insists on buying you that merino sweater then (a) it really ought to fit, (b) you'll have had a chance to try it on, have a say in the colour etc & (c) if all else fails, you can try to pocket the receipt.

Find one thing you could do together, assure her that's what you really want - to have a splendid day with her, & lay up good memories.

Timpu

Donation to charity? If it's about buying, perhaps goods to a local food bank?

vulpix

If she insists, ask for things you actually use,your brand of body wash,after shave,cotton buds,TP,washing powder,coffee,socks,shoes,tickets to an event,holiday etc.

I am with you on the not being materialistic,but
I understand your Mum,I am a Mum of adults.I want to spoil people but if they want something they just buy it.She could of course just give a token chocolate gift and money as my Mum does these days.

Merry Christmas Vx

Enterprise_1701C

How about suggesting things you actually use? I tend to fill the stockings of my adult kids and their partners with things like shower gel. After things like after shave/male fragrance can be expensive, how about a few new tools, that sort of thing.

I like buying throughout the year, but it tends to be small things for the stockings.

Edit - great minds think alike lol

dlmcr

I disagree with some of the other comments on here especially the bit about OP's mother loving him by buying him all of this stuff. To be honest this behaviour comes across as compensatory behaviour for something that is missing in the relationship and I would be asking more fundamental questions about what that something is. The fact that his mother is doing something that he is uncomfortable with despite being asked to stop is concerning, if this was a partner to partner relationship this would be a red flag. I don't agree that OP should find a use for the things that have been bought, if it was one or two items then yes of course, but this seems like a huge number of things that almost becomes a change in lifestyle choice to integrate into his life so why should he have to do this? I would also question that OPs mother is displaying love by doing this, again it come across as a misplaced gesture of love but something that needs discussing as it is not received in the manner in which it is intended. If I am being frank it comes across quite smothering / controlling behaviour. Are there other issues in the relationship?
I think the OP should try and sit down with mother and have a frank and open conversation about how this behaviour makes him feel and see whether there is a way to a solution that would work for both, eg instead of buying him "stuff" maybe the money can be used for a holiday somewhere instead?

System

You're lucky, I get pictures of things already bought and are cluttering up their house asking if I'd like it...no!...I already have a brand new bag and you bought me one last year so please I don't want another.