Overbearing overspending parent

ska_lover

paddy's_mum wrote: »

It this was a woman being inundated with unwanted attention (of whatever sort) by a man pursuing his own agenda, there would have been acres of sympathetic responses.

But its not anywhere near that sinister scenario


It is a mother spoiling her son at Christmas. Not some old anorak wearer stalking a innocent female


Her only crime is to spend money on him, he asks for something and she buys him a better version of what he has asked for

ViolaLass

chesky wrote: »

Problem is that nowadays most people don't seem to need or even want anything - if they do, they go and buy it. Instant gratification.

Or standing on their own two feet.

clairec79

You mention a sibling - do they have the same issue? Or could it be that they name something higher price and your mum feels she has to spend the same on you.

I know my mum will sometimes do that 'but I have to add something to it so it costs the same as your brother (so she paid for my MOT as well as the DVD I wanted)

TBagpuss

It's very difficult, and I understand you feel frustrated.

A few thoughts:

- Does she feel she has to give you 'stuff' or would she be amendable to making up the 'shortfall' (in her mind) with money? If so, you could try telling her that you are savings towards x or y, and would welcome any contributions. (or it could be that you suggest she makes a charitable donation in your name)

- If she enjoys the shopping an choosing stuff, do you think she might be open to picking stuff for others? For example, suggest that she make enquiries to see whether any local organisations organise gift drives for disadvantaged children - encourage her to pick gifts for those and (perhaps) suggest that she makes a list, or takes photos, of what she buys so you can see what she is giving 'in your name'

- try sitting down and talking to her (maybe after Christmas, as she is probably already in full on shopping mode now) Explain that you know she loves you and wants to be 'fair', but in this particular way, you're happy for her to be 'unfair' and spend less on you, won't be offended, a and do find her current way of doing things very stressful. ask her about why she feels she has to give you so much, and whether she would be willing to cut down.


-tell yourself that it is OK not to keep everything. Once something is given to you, it is yours. If that means that you make a trip to your local charity shop on 27th December, that's OK (or. depending on what she gives you, you could think about whether there is anywhere you can donate unused goods directly -for instance, organisations which work with homeless people may be able to make use of clothes, toiletries etc, those which support people fleeing domestic abuse, of leaving homelessness may be able to pass on home-ware and things such as DVDs or games, most libraries are able to accept donations of books (especially new ones!) and so on.

- Since she does ask you for suggestions, consider asking for stuff that you could use (even if that is 'boring', such as toiletries, socks etc) or stuff which is perishable or would be expected to be used up, so that you can donate it without worrying that she will ask what became of it (I dare say that your local food bank could accept a Christmas hamper, even if the items are not the sort of staple stuff they normally request, and it might give someone else a treat) If you ask for nice wine / spirits you can use them through the year, or re-gift.

How does your brother feel about it all? Would he be open to a joint request to cut down?

seven-day-weekend

We have today sent out a request for what we want at Christmas to my son, his partner and her mother. The partner and daughter will buy things with care and love, but it is a waste of their money if it is not something we want. So son will encourage them to buy things we DO want.

I have asked for an IOU (!) to be redeemed when I get my baby tortoise (also a gift) sometime next year, to help me set up its home. My husband has asked for an accessory for his newly acquired shotgun. Hopefully this will stop any pondering!!

To the OP, tell your mum what you want and if she buys you the top of the range one that's even better. NB We have sent photos of the things we have asked for.

To

iammumtoone

You are not going to stop her so the best way is to work with her.

You know its the same every year so plan ahead start thinking in September what you need.

Don't tell me you can't think of anything if you put your mind to it. Think practical things, so you don't get tat, things that can be used up.

New clothes - give a link to them on a website
Dinner plates/mugs - are any of your broken
Saucepans - how long have you had your set, could you benefit from a better range
Food - hampers etc
Drink - bottle of nice wine/spirits
Toiletries - these will always be used up think of a more expensive brand than usual you would like to try.
Bedding - Could you do with a new quilt/duvet/electric blanket

If you are really stuck think of your friends what you want to give them for their birthdays etc throughout the year and ask for that (you could then use the money you would have spend on them, on yourself)

My friend is the same with her two children, she has to make sure they get the same amount spent on them. I only have one child but I can see where she is coming from I hate to admit it but I would probably be the same.

svain

iammumtoone wrote: »

My friend is the same with her two children, she has to make sure they get the same amount spent on them. I only have one child but I can see where she is coming from I hate to admit it but I would probably be the same.

Isn't it perfectly normal to spend the same on each child?

iammumtoone

svain wrote: »

Isn't it perfectly normal to spend the same on each child?

I don't know as I said I only have one child but it seems the OPs mother is having this issue as her other child wants things but the OP doesn't and she feels she needs to spend the same on both. Some posters seem to think the mother is in the wrong for wanting/needing to do this.

If I had more than one I would be spending the same on each. Come to think of it all my friends do, just one of them makes more of an issue out of it as her children are quite far apart in ages, making it more difficult.

ThumbRemote

Make a list of games that you already have, but she doesn't know you've got. Give her that list of suggestions for Christmas.

Afterwards, ebay the items you've received as duplicates and donate the money to charity.

She's happy that she's given you something, you're happy that you've not got a load more things you don't want.

svain

iammumtoone wrote: »

I don't know as I said I only have one child but it seems the OPs mother is having this issue as her other child wants things but the OP doesn't and she feels she needs to spend the same on both. Some posters seem to think the mother is in the wrong for wanting/needing to do this.

If I had more than one I would be spending the same on each. Come to think of it all my friends do, just one of them makes more of an issue out of it as her children are quite far apart in ages, making it more difficult.

Ah i see the context now