Overbearing overspending parent

Marvel1

svain wrote: »

Its once a year for goodness sake .... Unless the mum is spending thousands upon thousands of pounds that she cant afford this really is a non-issue and the OP should just embrace it, show appreciation and thank his mum.

Then get rid of the stuff to charity

phillw

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

It is, it's the OP's business, if it's him she's wasting it on.

Maybe she wouldn't consider it a waste? If he doesn't like it then there is nothing she can do, but maybe she got what she wanted by buying it?

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

He needs to suggest things he DOES want, even if it's a charity donation.

Or tickets to go and see something with his mum.

trailingspouse

Again, I think people are missing the point. Or rather, are only seeing half of the problem.

The thread title talks about 'overbearing, overspending' parent.

Let's concentrate on the 'overbearing' bit - this woman sounds like a pain. I'm guessing she was very controlling when you were growing up. Now that you're an adult and not under her thumb any more, this 'overspending' mularky is one of the few ways she has of keeping some sort of control.

Most parents know when it's time to back off out of their grown-up kids' lives - others, I'm afraid, have to have it spelled out to them. Your Mum falls into this category.

MandM90

I can sympathise, OP. We have similar issues (but not nearly to the same extent).

We live in a small Victorian 2 bed cottage with our daughter and two cats. We have made a conscious choice to be minimalists because it's cheaper (avoidance of consumerism), easier (far less tidying, packing/moving is quick) and we enjoy the aesthetics of a clear space.

Every birthday and Christmas we try and ask people to do Secret Santa, or homemade gifts, or skip it altogether and are met with eyerolls or complaints that we're weird.

I don't really 'get' gifts, other than for kids. Love spending time with friends and family but rather than us all spend - say - £100 on each other and get something someone guessed we would like, we could all just treat ourselves (or overpay the mortgage!) and just enjoy the food and company that special occasions bring.

I then feel obligation to return the favour. Granted, not so much of a problem now but when we were swimming in debt it was a strain on the budget and left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I also feel slighty guilty when I feel compelled to buy something that is bad for the planet, probably won't enrich the recipients life and spends money we would much rather put towards retirement. I would love to be able to give and receive gifts as simple as a second hand, well thought out, book...but when someone buys you a fancy gadget it feels wrong.

I then feel awkward about the gift itself. About 80% of gifts we receive end up donated, sold or recycled. If we kept everything everyone gave us it wouldn't fit in the storage we have in our home, and I refuse to buy more storage to accommodate things we don't want. Don't get me wrong, I've had some lovely gifts (plants for the garden, books I've wanted to read, wine) but it's the bigger more cumbersome ones like paintings or the InstantPot that do me in. Can't get rid of them because I'll offend the giver, so they have to sit in my house irritating me forever just to appease the gift giver. It just seems silly.

Ooof that turned into a massive rant. Anyway, I can see how it's annoying, but I think your mother sounds like she will continue so to preserve your relationship I would either:

1) Try and get more clever with your lists. If she can afford it, and it makes her happy then make a list of experiences or things you would value. Why not ask for one of those monthly wine deliveries, for someone to come and do your garden/clean your house, a restaurant voucher, or vouchers for holidays?
2) Chill out, let her get on with it and regularly declutter stuff. Donate it, money goes to a good cause, you don't have to fill your house with it and I suspect at the rate she sounds like she buys things she probably won't remember what she got you last year. If she does, just matter of factly explain you had a clear out and you weren't using X item so you donated it. It sounds like you're her 'little prince' so I can't imagine she'll be more than irritated

svain

cjdavies wrote: »

Then get rid of the stuff to charity

Yep (im sure someone would be very grateful) ... or sell it

ska_lover

cjdavies wrote: »

It has to go somewhere in the kitchen, I have a small kitchen, it has to be stored somewhere when not in use. Myself I don't have the space.

Point taken. I have a slow cooker. I love having it for the 'once in a blue moon' times i use it.

I like to kid myself that i'm super organised 'Hey I have a slow cooker'

In reality it sees light of day a couple of times a year. Rest of the time it is taking up space, and coming from a house with little kitchen storage previously I can understand that.

Like the OP if it was boxed up, never used, i prob would re-gift or donate, as its gathering dust.

Going back, so not directed at the slow cooker thing - I have had some misguided presents from my dear old well meaning mother

Currently on top of my wardrobe, and have been for a five years, still in boxed untouched, is a ELECTRICAL BOOTIE, for cold feet. plug it in and warm up your tootsies. I am sure this is someones idea of heaven, but not mine - however I know my mum meant well when she brought it for me as I do get cold feet. I really should get this to a charity shop, keep forgetting

Interesting thread, although people have had very far reaching POV it has been an eye opener as to how others think - and what is great is no daft arguments have broken out even though there have been some completely opposite end of spectrum thinking going on