Overbearing overspending parent

There was a similar thread on here a while ago -

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5716983

That was a woman whose friend was forever buying her stuff that she didn't want. I have to say the woman was sympathised with much more than the son on the current thread.

I think you are absolutely right in your gut feeling that her behaviour is inappropriate. And yes, offering to buy someone a gun (who's never expressed any desire to have one, ever) is weird in the extreme.

Has she always been like this, or is it something new? If you and your sibling are in your 30s I'm guessing she's in her 50s or thereabouts? Can't blame her age. Is she the same with your sibling?

The over-buying is linked to the overbearing - she needs to have her own way, needs to be in control, isn't particularly interested in your point of view, thinks she knows best. Maybe a joint effort with your sibling would be the way to go - and the 'broken record' technique. Just keep saying the same thing over and over - 'No Mum, there's nothing I'm needing,' 'No Mum, there's nothing I'm needing', 'No Mum, there's nothing I'm needing.' Until she gets the message.

Or tell her straight that you don't want lots of gifts and that you will be taking it all to the charity shop in the New Year, again, and again, and again. And then do it. And when she asks where things have gone, tell her, and remind her that this is exactly what you said you would do.

Lots of people on here have suggested that you make alternative suggestions of things that you actually do want - but I think they are missing the point. Your Mum is desperate for you to want the things that she wants to get you, she's not desperate to buy the things you actually want.

My mum is a little like this in that she spends a lot at Christmas. Last year she gave us all and option of X item or X money (same amount either way). It was one expensive item so I was super grateful. If I'd received X amount in random little gifts it would have been a bit of a mess as my house is tiny, we have differing tastes and honestly sometimes the stuff my parents buy is random stuff found in B&M.

If you know her budget for you could you ask for 1 or 2 more expensive items that you'd like but wouldn't purchase for yourself due to the money?

I live near to a thriving gun shop, it’s a popular hobby. My son asked about joining a shooting club when he was younger (targets, not hunting!) but it was difficult with our working hours etc. He did some shooting at a range and loved it, it’s not weird just because you live in a city!

Keeping a gun (legally) at home is a bit of a faff though. I think you need to have a license, a locked cupboard and the ammo must be kept well away from the gun, etc, etc.

Your mum equates love with gifts, she thinks that spending loads means that she loves you more. Has she always been able to afford to buy you the things that you wanted? My mum came into a bit of money when my aunt died. She was a single parent and money was always tight when we were kids. I take my mum shopping each week and she has been trying to give me £20 for “petrol money” (I live 2 miles away from her, I don’t spend that much on petrol in a week!) and when she tried to insist, I told her to “put the money away for me”, I then forgot about it and she didn’t mention it again.
She was ill last week and when I visited, she was in bed. There was a jar on her dressing table, with a few £20 notes rolled up in it. I asked her what it was for, as we don’t encourage her to keep lots of cash in the house, she said “oh, that’s your petrol money”

There was almost £200 in there. We spoke about it, I explained that I don’t want or need petrol money. She then said that as she wasn’t able to give us pocket money when we were younger, she likes the fact that she can afford to do so now. So she puts £20 in the jar for me each week. Which made me cry a little.

I know your mum is driving you mad, but cut her some slack. Maybe give her details of a specific item that you want, if she wants to go top of the range, then let her. All parents would rather spend their money on their kids than themselves, it’s just human nature. There are lots of charities which encourage people to buy gifts to donate to children who don’t have much at Christmas, maybe encourage her to think about donating to something like that?

Late to this party but...

She's your mum, and as you say, you love her. So. You can't change her behaviour - just accept that. Instead, you have to manage it. She's doing your head in by sending photos and buying useless stuff because you're not telling her what you want. So give her a clear long list of stuff, of varying prices. She'll buy to the limit she wants to, and you get things you want / need.

Problem sorted.

Sounds a bit like my mum, only she never could see the difference between quantity and quality.

When I was old enough to give her a hint as to what I'd like, I tended to go for one nice item based on what I knew she could afford.

Unfortunately, she had other ideas - and instead of just one present I'd get an avalanche of cheap tat 'because you need lots to open on Christmas morning'.

She's no longer with us, and I do miss her 'cheap tat' because it was given with love.

Hold your tongue and count your blessings.