Should I let him go?

april101 · 18 October 2016 at 9:12AM

Hi everyone,

I post on here under a different name usually but I wanted to post this thread as something separate.

I've been with my husband for over 6 years - we married just over a year ago.

He had his ups and down before the wedding - lots of nerves but obviously it went ahead and he had an amazing day and was fine for the few months following.

Sorry if TMI but basically our bedroom life wasn't great for a while due to the pill completely messing up my hormones etc. so I came off that to try and get things back on track in that sense.

So about two weeks ago we had a row over something silly (I can't remember exactly what but I'm sure it was the dishwasher/washing or something housework related!). It escalated and ended up in a late night argument and him telling me he wants to love me but just doesn't anymore and isn't attracted to me.

He said he would try and the last few weeks he has but I can tell that he is still very much emotionally detached - the way he looks at me, he's not really very touchy feely etc.

I also get the feeling he has feelings for someone else. I don't think he's acted on it but I think the feelings are there, even though he denies it. There's someone who he works with and she texts him constantly - it seems to be harmless stuff and jokes from work but he is very protective of the conversation. I think because he seems to enjoy talking to her more than me at the moment it isn't really helping our situation at all.

It all blew up again last night with him saying he's trying to be attracted to me but just can't. He hasn't worn his wedding ring in months and said he never wanted to get married.

Sorry for the long post - I just don't know what to do and I don't want to involve family/friends at the moment. I love him and we have such a nice life together but I don't want to force him to be with me.

Any advice/thoughts from an outside perspective would be welcomed.

Thanks everyone x

april101 · 18 October 2016 at 9:14AM

Also to add I booked him a weekend away with some friends as a surprise (before all this) and it falls on his Christmas party. When I mentioned I had booked a surprise that weekend for him and that I didn't realise it was the party (mine was booked before the Christmas Party and his boss didn't mention it when I requested the holiday for him!). He said he didn't want to go on any weekends with me and didn't want me to surprise him. He got really quite irate about it.

hollydays · 18 October 2016 at 9:24AM

Op, it sounds hurtful. He's telling you he's no longer attracted to you, but still staying with you? Is this really nice for you? Is there a sense of him blaming you here? Or trying to shift some blame to you? I don't find his behaviour attractive.

april101 · 18 October 2016 at 9:36AM

Hollydays - it really is hurtful. But every time I feel like I've mustered up the courage to let go my heart breaks again. I do think he is partially trying to shift the blame to me - maybe not wholly? I'm not sure. He's not great at opening up so I never really feel he tells me the whole story of how he is feeling.

Stevie_Palimo · 18 October 2016 at 9:42AM

I cannot see anyway of you staying with your partner here as it will turn very toxic quite quickly now with both of you resenting the other and that is not good for either one.

No time is good to part ways and more so when married and having a home together and so on but you just need to realise when to call it a day and look to move on with your life, It will be difficult and you feel heartbroken but this will ease off and in time you will look back and say I am glad we called it a day when we did and not stay together just for convenience.

-taff · 18 October 2016 at 9:44AM

He's told you he doesn't love you, isn't attracted to you , didn't want to get married and doesn't want to go away with you.....that's not spelling anything positive..

jackieblack · 18 October 2016 at 9:44AM

Let him go.
He plainly doesn't feel the way that a loving husband should and he's told you as much. I've been in that position, it's horrible.

But why would you want to stay with someone who isn't attracted to you (and no-one chooses who they're attracted to, either you are or you aren't), is emotionally distant and has told you he doesn't love you?

fairy_lights · 18 October 2016 at 10:07AM

If he doesn't love you or find you attractive, and doesn't want to spend time with you why on earth hasn't he left you? It sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it.

gonzo127 · 18 October 2016 at 10:16AM

if you want to try and save the marriage i would suggest to him that you want to try marriage counselling, as it does work for some people (not all as its not a magic bullet, and it personally didnt work for my marriage, but does work for some people), as it might 'make' him open up about the problems so you can actually get to the bottom of what the problem is.

however i would say if he refuses marriage counselling, his heart isnt in the marriage any longer, and i would call it a day, yes it might be the hard, and i have been there, but i can honestly say that i am now much happier in myself, to the point that my 8 year old daughter has commented on how much better i am!

april101 · 18 October 2016 at 10:17AM

Thanks for the replies everyone.

I am just really struggling to let go. I never thought things would go this way between us - I really do love him. However I do know that what you are all saying is the right thing to do. I've just got to have enough courage to do it - which is easier said than done

Fairy lights - I think he would leave me if I wasn't so upset about it all.

I want to let go and move on I just don't really know where to even start.

System · 18 October 2016 at 10:19AM

Make his path clear to leave and see if he does.

I've often told my husband if he can find someone better than me then I won't hold him back.

Should I let him go?

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