Should I let him go?

Robisere

I went through a similar situation from the "other side" many years ago. My first partner and I had two children, we were OK until sometime after the second was born: a girl who screamed the place down morning and night. No medical/pschiatric reason, she just would not sleep and found nothing to satisfy her. After a lovely, calm son, it was a nightmare, but the worst part was that my ex seemed to blame me. She withdrew from all the sleepless nights and I was the only one getting up to get my dd back to sleep, then having to work maybe a couple of hours later. Then she started accusing me of seeing someone else, when all I did was work and come home. The inevitable daily, often hourly arguments consisted of her screaming at me and me trying to calm her for the sake of the kids. After 6 years of this she forced me out: quite seriously, I do not know what may have happened if I had stayed, and it was really upsetting the kids. I knew she loved and would not ever harm the children, the way I saw it was that one of us had to go and that one had to be me. The result was that I never saw my children again: I have tried to contact them over the years, but my letters were returned with indescribable comments attached, for which I cannot blame them. It was dad they saw walking away, not mum. Apparently they both have nothing to do with her either. This breaks my heart all over again when I write this.

I met and married another lady 30 years ago and her two call me dad. I love them and my 4 grandchildren beyond reason, but I have never forgotten what I did all those years ago and I never will.

OP, get rid of this unprincipled, unloving waster. In time you will hopefully find someone who deserves you. Believe me, it can happen. I thought my life was over all those years ago, but when I met my lovely lady it began again.

Angry_Bear

I second the suggestion to take control.
At this point do you really still believe you can salvage your marriage?
If the answer is genuinely yes, then ask your husband to attend marriage counselling with you. If he won't, then go on your own.
If the answer is no, which I suspect it is even though you wish it wasn't, then I'd suggest considering a few things you need to work out:

1. What are your options with your house? Can you afford to buy your husband out (and would you want to)? Can he afford to buy you out? Could you sell (no negative equity)?
2. Between you, could you afford to rent somewhere for one of you while still covering the mortgage for the other one?
3. If more than one option is POSSIBLE - which would you PREFER?
4. Do you have a spare room that one of you could move into in the interim? If yes, I'd seriously consider moving one or other of your stuff out into that room ready for when you speak to your husband.
5. Do you have your own bank accounts and money? I'd REALLY suggest opening your own accounts and moving half of any savings into them before you speak to your husband. Oh of course, and get your salary paid into it. Then you can present it as "I've separated our finances, everything left in the accounts is yours".
6. Is there anything you think he's likely to be difficult with? Living arrangements? Selling up? The pets? If there is, work out what you'd LIKE to happen so you can propose it.
7. If you're likely to have to move out (i.e. you don't think you'll be able to buy him out for whatever reason), then investigate what your other options are. How much rental could you afford, and where would you like to live? Get on rightmove and have a look.

Then, once you have your strategy ready. Speak to your husband - write it down if you need to. Be clear and to the point, for example:
"Our marriage isn't working, I want a divorce. Neither of us can buy out the other so we'll have to sell the house, but if we both contribute X every month then we can cover rent and mortgage until the house is sold. I've moved you into the spare room until we can make alternative arrangements."

I wouldn't recommend moving out without an agreement of what is going to happen in place, just because it could then become very difficult to make him leave if he won't agree to sell or can't buy you out. And if he didn't pay the mortgage you'd still be liable for half.

justme111

You would lose your job because you do not live with him?
Re love of your life - you already lost what you believe was love of your life. You separating and divorcing him is not going to worsen it.
Your thoughts do not seem to have any logic, I feel for you, I hope you will get some support from friends and family as I do not think you should rely on your perception of the world in making any decisions.

tesuhoha

I have only just seen this thread but I can't help but think why should you be the one that has to move out? It is him who has been misbehaving. Ask him to leave very firmly. Have a family member present to support you in this if need be.

His behaviour is disgraceful so don't feel bad about this. The suggestion about moving into the spare room is also good. Don't spend another night in bed with him. I think you need to regain some pride and self respect. Don't give him the chance to get the better of you and start detaching yourself from him. If you don't care anymore he can't hurt you. There is no point investing any more feelings into the prospect of a future with him so please just give up. The love of your life will be someone who worships the ground you walk on. You haven't met him yet.

Finally, have you heard the saying 'if you love someone, let them go.' I think that applies in this case but please do not hope for reconciliation. He does not deserve any further attention from you. Hope I haven't been too blunt here.

Marvel1

tesuhoha wrote: »

I have only just seen this thread but I can't help but think why should you be the one that has to move out? It is him who has been misbehaving. Ask him to leave very firmly. Have a family member present to support you in this if need be.

I'm 50/50 on this one, as he is I assume on the deeds and it's 50% his.

After the split, sort the house out asap, that way a clean break, no ties

april101

Thank you for taking the time to reply everyone that has.

I don't think the bluntness is harsh - I think it's reality and I need to hear it.

My head is all over the place. It's not a nice feeling.

Jackieblack - you're absolutely right, it's just taking control is easier said than done :rotfl: not that my situation is at all funny. Although, I do feel like with each day I am gaining a little more strength to take control, which is a huge step for me in the right direction (ok, a small step but it is better than nothing!).

Toniq - I have considered this but I'm terrified to leave him control of the house in case he brings the other woman back (if she even exists, as I have no solid proof just circumstantial evidence IYSWIM)

Peaceful - thank you - I really hope so

Robisere - I'm so sorry that you went through all of that - it makes my situation seem so much simpler as there are no children involved. I know you're right, there will be someone else. To be honest it's not even about him now it's more about achieving our 'dream life' at such a young age and it being nothing like I expected, as it's only once we had achieved what we wanted that he changed. Right now I'm heartbroken over the life I thought I would have, but now won't, if that makes sense. Of course I still love him but at the same time I hate him, as months of lies, put downs and total disregard for my feelings has obviously worn me down. Thank you for sharing your story and that someone else is out there for me.

Angry Bear - we can sell but would have to wait a few months, no negative equity but we've only been in since August. I'm not currently earning as I am starting a new job and awaiting my criminal check, so should be starting in a month or so. I couldn't afford to buy him out, I think he probably could me but not sure that the bank would allow due to how he is paid. Even so, I wouldn't want him to buy me out. The thought of him moving another woman into my dream home that I have put my heart and soul into finding, moving into and decorating etc. makes me feel sick to be honest.

Justme - the location of my new job is in a very expensive area, and alone I could not afford to live there, unless I literally rented a bedsit. You're probably right about my logic, I feel like a big mess lol.

Tesuhoha - you're right about self respect, I find it almost embarrassing that I break down so easily at the thought of the situation - it's as if I have no control over my emotions which is very unlike me.

CJdavies - It is 50/50, however I am innocent in this. Yes we've argued and both people can say bad things etc. so not saying I am totally innocent in general, but the situation is he couldn't deal with the commitment of marriage, house, and so started lying, staying out, being quite emotionally abusive etc. and so I don't think that I should be the one to be made homeless. He has family and friends in the area - mine are an hour away (and in the wrong direction for my new job so I need to consider that too). You are right about the clean break, I think I'll need this in order to move on.

I hope I've responded to everyone - sorry for the long message!

thorsoak

April - this is it. Time to put on your Big Girl Knickers - and tell him that enough is enough - please leave now. Put all his belongings in bin liners, leave them outside the house and shut the door on him. You cannot change the locks, because he is a part owner - but you can put the chain on (if you have one) - or leave your key in the lock inside and put the deadlock on.

There is another lady on the board, who is going through the same scenario as you - but she's been married for over 20 years with two teenage children, and she hasn't worked for a while, but she has got a part-time job and is sorting things out with solicitors and CAB. You need to do the same thing.

Far better to admit a relationship is dead, and start your life again than to carry on as you have been.

FatVonD

paddy's_mum wrote: »

OP - do you feel that it would be worth finding out for sure just what is going on eg kidnapping his phone or following him on his evenings out? It may not be strictly ethical to do so but neither is the unkindness that your husband is currently showing.

I'd just like to second this. He isn't going to tell you the truth and if you don't take the opportunity to find out the truth while you are still in the same house you will kick yourself later when you no longer have the opportunity. Not knowing the truth will eat away at you more than being faced with it and being able to move on.

If you can't face the thought of him bringing someone else back to your house then ask him to be the one to move out. Could you take in a lodger to cover his half of the mortgage until it is sold?

tesuhoha

cjdavies wrote: »

I'm 50/50 on this one, as he is I assume on the deeds and it's 50% his.

After the split, sort the house out asap, that way a clean break, no ties

Well one of them has to leave and surely it should be the one who has suggested the marriage is over. It would only be short term while the house is sorted out.

barbiedoll

thorsoak wrote: »

April - this is it. Time to put on your Big Girl Knickers - and tell him that enough is enough - please leave now. Put all his belongings in bin liners, leave them outside the house and shut the door on him. You cannot change the locks, because he is a part owner - but you can put the chain on (if you have one) - or leave your key in the lock inside and put the deadlock on.

There is another lady on the board, who is going through the same scenario as you - but she's been married for over 20 years with two teenage children, and she hasn't worked for a while, but she has got a part-time job and is sorting things out with solicitors and CAB. You need to do the same thing.

Far better to admit a relationship is dead, and start your life again than to carry on as you have been.

^^^^This. You've wallowed in your misery now for several months and nothing has changed, nor has it improved. If anything you obviously feel worse as time has gone on and he's worn away at your confidence and your peace of mind.

There's no reason why you can't take your "dream job". I can't afford to live where I work (I was actually born in the area) so I commute in.

Your "dream house" is now a place of nightmares. You're living a lie, in a dead relationship, no amount of expensive wallpaper or fancy chandeliers is going to change that. I'd rather live happy in a small bedsit, than be miserable in a gold-plated mansion. Life is too short.

Your "dream life" obviously isn't the same as his dream life. To be honest, when I was in my early twenties, being tied down with a mortgage, a spouse and a lifetime of interior decorating at weekends, wasn't my idea of fun either. You have years and years to aim for your dreams, some of which will come true and some won't. Don't write yourself and your "dream" life off just yet, who knows what is round the corner?

When I was 25, I had a husband, a semi-detached house and 2 cats. I also had a sense of foreboding whenever he was due home from the pub, a few bruises here and there and a receipt for a Christmas present for his ex in his coat pocket.
By the time I was 30, I was living in a one-bedroomed ex-council flat (bought by me) and had resigned myself to spinsterhood, self-abuse and a serious ready-meal habit. And I'd never been happier. That was until I reached 33, with a new baby, a new husband (both of which I still have) and a completely new "dream" life.

You've reached the bottom, we know it and so do you. The only way is up.....you just have to start that climb.