Should I let him go?

Peter333

Oh April, bless your poor soul. You sound like you're in so much pain. It's screaming out in your post that you're suffering so badly.

I can't add anything to what anyone has said, except I agree with them all. He has said he doesn't love you. he isn't attracted to you anymore, he never wanted to get married. I have just read this to my lady wife, and she said she would have run for the hills by now if she were you.

If you have no children with this man, then there is no need to stay with him. Did you get married young-ish, maybe early 20s? A lot of people feel very 'grown-up' at that age, but still have a way to go before leaving the levels of immaturity that they have in their teens. Especially young men.

And as for this girl at work, this whole situation with her sounds VERY dangerous. Men don't usually send lots of texts to another woman and keep their phone closely guarded unless something is going on. And even if nothing IS going on, something may be soon. It may be a close friendship now, but it sounds like it will lead to something more soon.

And this girl should know better too! She knows he has a wife.

Get out now while you can. I know you love him, but those feelings will fade, especially when you realise the feelings are not being reciprocated, and when you find someone who truly loves you.

My best wishes go to you. I hope you will be happy.

paddy's_mum

april101 wrote: »

He ... said he never wanted to get married.

I've come across comments like this before and they really offend me.

It almost declares that you held a gun to his head or that some other monumental force was used to have your wicked way against the wishes of the poor little lad!

I can't think of much that is more insulting than a statement of that calibre but if it is what he is feeling, then I believe there is little left to hold onto, however much you still love him and however sad that realisation may be.

I also think that you should confide in at least one family member or close friend as you need support while you find a way through this tangle, whatever the eventual outcome is.

Good luck.

Peter333

He ... said he never wanted to get married.

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I've come across comments like this before and they really offend me.

It almost declares that you held a gun to his head or that some other monumental force was used to have your wicked way against the wishes of the poor little lad!

It is a laughable, yet abhorrent statement isn't it?! It's right up there with 'she got herself pregnant!' Or the similar but equally laughable statement that some men and their mothers come out with ...' she trapped him by getting pregnant.' Like her getting pregnant was nothing to do with him!

Kynthia

He's being cruel to you, staying with you and saying these things. Particularly saying he never wanted to marry, so why did he do it and say those vows? He probably did at the time or is incredibly weak. I wonder if he's so adverse to looking like the bad guy that he's prepared to stay and continue hurting you until you end things, then he can say it was your idea?

You need emotional support from someone while he's hurting you like this.

Person_one

I expect you're probably right about the other girl. The thing is, a brand new flirtation with no commitment and no responsibilities is bound to be a bit more exciting than a long term relationship with responsibilities and shared domestic duties and familiarity.

He sounds like one of those men that are easily flattered and always think the grass is greener elsewhere, then do the same thing to the next woman a couple of years down the line, then the next, then the next...

TBagpuss

I would agree with the suggestion to propose that you attend counselling together, as it can help you both to express how you feel and to clarify whether there is any possibility of continuing tgether.

On the face of it, it sounds as though he has already made his mind up, but it is possible that has has mostly thought about @I'm not happy now'# and not 'why am I not happy now'

If he is not prepared to go then that tells its own story,.

You may still find it helpful, however. Relate will see you by yourself if you want, and you may that seful, particualrly if you don't feel able to talk to family or friends just yet.

Also - think about how you feel. You say that you love him, but look at how he has treated you - either he lied to you about wanting to be maried, or he is lying now to try to shift the blame. How does he treat you generally?Ask youself how you would react if this was a friend's relationship and they were asking you for your advice.

And bear in mind, he is adult. If he is seeing / attracted to another woman, that is 100% down to him. He is the one who is married - don't be fooled into blaming the 'other women'. He's a grown man and even if she came on to him, he knows he is marrie,d and it has always been in his pwer to say "no thanks, I'm married, and I'm not interested"
And it is also down to him to work with you, as his wife, to determine what level of flirting or other intereaction with other people you as a couple are comfortable with.
The responsibility is his and yours. No one can make him decide to leave, no one can make him ecide to flirt or anything else. Don't let him fool you into blaming the other woman involved or any other third party.

Peter333

TBagpuss wrote: »

I would agree with the suggestion to propose that you attend counselling together, as it can help you both to express how you feel and to clarify whether there is any possibility of continuing tgether.

On the face of it, it sounds as though he has already made his mind up, but it is possible that has has mostly thought about @I'm not happy now'# and not 'why am I not happy now'

If he is not prepared to go then that tells its own story,.

You may still find it helpful, however. Relate will see you by yourself if you want, and you may that seful, particualrly if you don't feel able to talk to family or friends just yet.

Also - think about how you feel. You say that you love him, but look at how he has treated you - either he lied to you about wanting to be maried, or he is lying now to try to shift the blame. How does he treat you generally?Ask youself how you would react if this was a friend's relationship and they were asking you for your advice.

And bear in mind, he is adult. If he is seeing / attracted to another woman, that is 100% down to him. He is the one who is married - don't be fooled into blaming the 'other women'. He's a grown man and even if she came on to him, he knows he is married and it has always been in his power to say "no thanks, I'm married, and I'm not interested"
And it is also down to him to work with you, as his wife, to determine what level of flirting or other interaction with other people you as a couple are comfortable with.
The responsibility is his and yours. No one can make him decide to leave, no one can make him decide to flirt or anything else. Don't let him fool you into blaming the other woman involved or any other third party.

Very good points.

I do think the other woman has to take some responsibility though, as she knows he is married, but yes, it is wrong to blame just her, as some do.

april101

Thank you all so much for your support.

One of the worst things in this is that I feel totally alone as I don't feel ready to talk to family and friends and explain things to them just yet.

With regards to the girl at work - you're all right. His friendship (or whatever it could develop into) with her is carefree. He's also very ambitious and she happens to be the daughter of the owner of his company. You couldn't make it up really. I almost need to laugh as it's just crazy. They work together 6 days a week I'm just at a loss when trying to think of what they could possibly have to talk about outside of this?!

He also goes out most weekends drinking recently. He doesn't want to come home to me.

Peter - we are young. Mid 20s. I suspect he's not ready to be an adult yet, hence his issue with marriage.

Thank you all so much. Even though some of you have been hard - it's definitely what I need. Hopefully in the near future I'll have pulled myself together enough to walk away. I know I need to.

hazyjo

I was with my first husband 6 years - only married for 3 months of that. He also decided he 'didn't love me any more'.


He ummed and ahhed about whether to leave. Even expected to still go to a party the next night with me(!) so I said I didn't think he'd realised the severity of what he'd said and that he had to make a decision - stay or go. I knew he something had happened and guessed who with (his secretary). He denied everything, but confessed to my mum the next day after he'd moved out.


I say catch him out, then YOU decide what you want to do. My ex's bit on the side got pregnant (yes, two to tango, but I think she knew exactly what she was doing - she'd just left her husband for him too). He used to cry on my doorstep/in our old house for months saying he wanted me back. I'd initially said to him stay away from her for 3 months and we'd talk about it, but he chose not to (I caught him out - he was still denying it).






Jx

gonzo127

april101 wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your support.

One of the worst things in this is that I feel totally alone as I don't feel ready to talk to family and friends and explain things to them just yet.

With regards to the girl at work - you're all right. His friendship (or whatever it could develop into) with her is carefree. He's also very ambitious and she happens to be the daughter of the owner of his company. You couldn't make it up really. I almost need to laugh as it's just crazy. They work together 6 days a week I'm just at a loss when trying to think of what they could possibly have to talk about outside of this?!

He also goes out most weekends drinking recently. He doesn't want to come home to me.

Peter - we are young. Mid 20s. I suspect he's not ready to be an adult yet, hence his issue with marriage.

Thank you all so much. Even though some of you have been hard - it's definitely what I need. Hopefully in the near future I'll have pulled myself together enough to walk away. I know I need to.

to be honest, the more you write, the more i feel he has already emotionally left the marriage, and is starting to physically leave it as well (the recent nights out drinking)

with regards to the girl at work with what they can talk about, although this is a guess, i would expect its you and your marriage and how unhappy he is at home etc etc,

im not saying that it is more than friends, because i know men and women can be close friends without anything happening (in fact my best friend of 20 odd years is a woman, and nothing has ever happened), but i feel the protectiveness of his phone suggest thats the conversations are either flirty, or personal about your marriage etc that he doesnt want you to see, and these things can easily turn into more than just a friendly ear to listen or shoulder to cry on

i do still feel that suggesting marriage counselling to him, could be useful, even if he says no, as that at least tells you that he has given up on the marriage already, and doesnt want to try and fix it