Should I let him go?

hazyjo

He's cheating.


I found it hard to believe my first husband would - I'm naturally a suspicious, intuitive person, but I discarded everything that was staring me in the face simply because I didn't believe he could or would. He also tried turning things on me. He was fixing something on my car once and I took him out a coffee and said 'watch your head on that bit there' and he went loopy at me. He did hit his head and went even loopier. Later I got in my car and just drove for ages wondering !!!!!! had happened and how he could change.


Don't leave until you catch him out. It's easy. Then you have a reason. He'll already have blamed you for his cheating so forget about explaining anything to his parents/friends/family. My ex's family were going out to dinner with him and her behind my back, and his mum said something like 'well, you didn't do his ironing for your honeymoon, he had to do it himself along with everything else'. Erm, yeah, okay - that'll be it. (Despite me working longer hours than him full time.)


Jx

Person_one

hazyjo wrote: »

Don't leave until you catch him out. It's easy. Then you have a reason.

I don't really understand this, he's told her he doesn't love her and isn't attracted to her and never wanted to get married.

She has lots of very good reasons even if she doesn't 'catch him out'.

tea_lover

Person_one wrote: »

I don't really understand this, he's told her he doesn't love her and isn't attracted to her and never wanted to get married.

She has lots of very good reasons even if she doesn't 'catch him out'.

Absolutely. Don't hang around letting your self esteem plummet even further, doubting yourself and second guessing every conversation.... take control, decide that this isn't good enough for you (whatever the details of what he is or isn't up to) and calmly make arrangements to move on.

hazyjo

Person_one wrote: »

I don't really understand this, he's told her he doesn't love her and isn't attracted to her and never wanted to get married.

She has lots of very good reasons even if she doesn't 'catch him out'.

Absolutely - I've been there and know how hard it was. I had loads of reasons, although he'd not been like that before and everything he did and said was out of character. Sometimes you just need to know. It gave me 100% closure. If we'd split up and I'd not known about her, he may have tried to come back and I would have thought he'd just had a bit of a mental moment and been oblivious to the fact he'd been with someone else.


It helped telling other people too. I could blame him and not just the breakdown of our relationship. It just gave me something definitive and answered a lot of questions and doubts and worries I'd had. I would have been saying to people that I thought he was cheating. That wasn't enough - and made me look like a paranoid crazy woman. In fact, when I did find out, everyone I told was saying 'Phil?' Your husband Phil? No way, Phil? No, I don't believe it. Absolutely everyone was more floored about him doing that than about us splitting up. It was absolutely 100% out of character. He'd only been with one woman before me and he'd married her (she left him). He was bald, looked 20 years older than me (despite only being 7 years older) and was just a safe, reliable, traditional, comfortable sort of bloke. It's a big reason why I was with him after lots of Jack-the-lad sorts. My mum even approved LOL. She introduced us.


Jx

onomatopoeia99

april101 wrote: »

It kicked off again yesterday evening over two things. Firstly, because I booked him a surprise weekend away for a few months time (this was long before this trouble started - it's been booked for a while). He said I had no regard for him when booking it as I know he has sports he plays at the weekend. Obviously that was very hurtful as I booked it to do something nice for him.

Too late now, but you (collective you here, rather than just you specifically) need really,really careful with "surprises", because some people do not like them at all and will react badly. The fact that you think its a nice surprise doesn't mean that they will.

If a girlfriend were to announce that she had organised for me to go somewhere for a weekend without asking me if actually I wanted to, had plans, etc beforehand I would be very disappointed at her lack of consideration of my feelings and wishes. Not angry, just disappointed in her. Is asking first so hard?

gonzo127

april101 wrote: »

Person_one - it's quite hard to not come to any other conclusion really. I don't see any good reason why he wouldn't want picking up other than that.

It's just quite hard to comprehend as before all this there was absolutely no way he would ever cheat, emotionally or physically. It's almost like he's become a different person.

unfortunately, although i do not like to jump to these conclusions, the bit i have highlighted says that he is cheating to me, forgetting all the other signs, the complete change of the person he was is the clincher for me.

the fact that he has totally changed says to me that he is battling with himself, trying to convince himself that he is not in the wrong when he knows he is, as he knows he is in the wrong, this leads to him starting to change things to prove that what he is doing is the 'right' thing, and that you are the bad one in the situation, this will be the cause of the random blow outs, the stupid arguments and the hurtful spiteful things being said

im sorry to say this so bluntly, but as far as i am concerned (as a guy) he has, is or is planning on cheating on you

and yes this is somewhat of a move from the suggestion to try marriage counselling but the more you have wrote has just firmed up the initial suspicions, until that last comment which just screams to me 'cheating'

tea_lover

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Too late now, but you (collective you here, rather than just you specifically) need really,really careful with "surprises", because some people do not like them at all and will react badly. The fact that you think its a nice surprise doesn't mean that they will.

If a girlfriend were to announce that she had organised for me to go somewhere for a weekend without asking me if actually I wanted to, had plans, etc beforehand I would be very disappointed at her lack of consideration of my feelings and wishes. Not angry, just disappointed in her. Is asking first so hard?

Yes, I would agree with this. Although it sounds like this one trip is just a tiny part of the problems here. But yes, in general, surprises are not for everyone! I can cope with not knowing the details, so long as I get some say in the overall logistics. So for example if someone checked the date worked for me but then kept where we were going a secret that would be ok, but springing the whole thing on me wouldn't go down too well.

AylesburyDuck

Revised opinion after your update.
The mans a rat, he's [STRIKE]going to break your heart[/STRIKE] already breaking your heart.
Pack his bags, show him the door, and end it. Nobody deserves to be treated as if its something he's trodden in.

hazyjo

gonzo127 wrote: »

unfortunately, although i do not like to jump to these conclusions, the bit i have highlighted says that he is cheating to me, forgetting all the other signs, the complete change of the person he was is the clincher for me.

the fact that he has totally changed says to me that he is battling with himself, trying to convince himself that he is not in the wrong when he knows he is, as he knows he is in the wrong, this leads to him starting to change things to prove that what he is doing is the 'right' thing, and that you are the bad one in the situation, this will be the cause of the random blow outs, the stupid arguments and the hurtful spiteful things being said

im sorry to say this so bluntly, but as far as i am concerned (as a guy) he has, is or is planning on cheating on you

and yes this is somewhat of a move from the suggestion to try marriage counselling but the more you have wrote has just firmed up the initial suspicions, until that last comment which just screams to me 'cheating'

Yeah 100% this. That was my ex. He changed into someone I no longer recognised and basically picked on me when I knew deep down I had done nothing wrong or different to before. That was the reason I didn't want to just leave him. I was making all sorts of excuses in my head - his work / pressure / depression. I didn't feel I had reason to leave. He denied an affair and completely turned it back on me. In the end he told my mum - after he walked out.


As for the surprise break - he was the same. Not a surprise, but I was chatting about a city break and he kept putting obstacles in our way. Saying he couldn't take time from work which was total BS (he owned the company and his partner had just had 2 weeks off). He went crazy over it all at me. Nothing to do with a surprise in your case, he simply doesn't want 'her' to think you are a couple still. If there is someone (which I obviously think there is), she'll be pushing him to leave you.


Jx

FBaby

I agree with onomatopoeia. One of the issues might be to do with control. I also would not be happy if OH arranged a surprise weekend away without making sure I had no other arrangements first. Similarly I would find it very endearing if he suggested picking me up after a work do if I believed it was because he wanted to save me ordering a taxi and making it easier for me. I would be very annoyed if he offered believing he did so to check on me to be sure I want cheating. Of course that's because I wouldn't be. In OP'S position it could be either way as it is natural to assume that your OH is cheating or planning to when they says they don't love you any longer. It's often the case but not always. In any case it is irrelevant as the moment love us truly gone on one side there isn't much left to save cheating or not.