Should I let him go?

Placitasgirl

I forgot to mention in my post yesterday that I had thought that I'd done a pretty good job of keeping the issues in my first marriage from those who loved and cared about me; friends, family, colleagues. When the inevitable finally happened and I broke the "news", I was amazed just how many of them had worked it out long before and had played along to support me. I think you might well find the same if you confide in those who really know and care about you.

-taff

He's an idiot, he's trying to make you feel bad because he's doing something he knows he shouldn't.

I would not get annoyed at someone offering to pick me up after a works do because it would save me taxi money and the hassle of trying to phone one.
I would get annoyed if I planned to be doing other things after the works do, or wanting no one to know that I'd be picked up....But that's because I have cheated in the past and know exactly how it goes.

And the whole making you feel guilty thing because he won't leave and is trying to get you to take the blame for it? Play him at his own game if you want to. Go out with your friends and don't tell him where you are, make plans without him, but actually enjoy yourself. If he wants out so badly, he'll eventually get round to it.

Do you think you are unattractive and unlovable if he did find you attractive and lovable before? No, you're not. He's finding someone else lovable and attractive and trying to make you feel bad. Don't.

MoneyMission2015

Peter333 wrote: »

Very good points.

I do think the other woman has to take some responsibility though, as she knows he is married, but yes, it is wrong to blame just her, as some do.

I'm not condoning the behaviour in any way, but 'the other woman' might not know he's married.


I know it's unlikely if they work together but I have worked with people in the past who shared very little about their personal life. One lady I worked with just came to work every day, got on with her work and went home. We would chat with her in the office but although she joined in general chat, like what we watched on TV etc, she was very quiet and just never mentioned a boyfriend/husband/girlfriend or any sort of social life. Then one day she came into work and announced she was pregnant. It turned out she had been with her partner for 10 years, got married 6 months before pregnancy announcement and then eventually went on maternity leave. When she came back after ML she continued the same way, never really talked about her husband or daughter (we knew that much). She was happy to continue that way and we just let her get on with it.


Don't forget, men and women who are seeing somebody behind their partners back often lie about their home life, like 'we're only living together to not upset the kids', 'we're waiting to get Christmas out of the way' etc etc. So who knows what he has told this woman.


EDIT: Edited to say forget what I said, I've just read where OP has said she is the company owners daughter, so I would think she knows quite a bit of information about her family's employees. So she should also be ashamed of herself.


Sorry OP, I know what I've said above doesn't help your situation, I'm just trying to put forward that point of view because of people saying the woman should know better. I agree that she should if she knows the true situation, but if your husband is lying to you, then I would think he's probably not being truthful with her either.


As for your position, I feel so sorry for you as I can literally feel your heart breaking through your posts. I hope you can find somebody to talk to, a shoulder to cry on who can help you through your decision. I do agree with the others that say it sounds like he's trying to get YOU to make the decision to separate because then he can play the poor, rejected husband when he tells all his family that it was you who left him. But don't let that bother you, in these situations the truth usually comes out. Just find a friend of family member that you can confide in so that you at least have somebody who knows the truth and somebody you can cry with when you're sad and vent with when you get angry, because believe me the anger will come eventually.


Nobody deserves to be treated the way your husband is treating you and he should be ashamed of himself.


I hope you can find the strength to make the right decision for you and I hope he gets his comeuppance one day!


xx

tea_lover

Placitasgirl wrote: »

I forgot to mention in my post yesterday that I had thought that I'd done a pretty good job of keeping the issues in my first marriage from those who loved and cared about me; friends, family, colleagues. When the inevitable finally happened and I broke the "news", I was amazed just how many of them had worked it out long before and had played along to support me. I think you might well find the same if you confide in those who really know and care about you.

This is so true. I never said a word about how bad things were with my ex, literally not a word. When I finally told my parents that he was moving out what really struck me was their complete lack of surprise about it all.

Sambella

Person_one wrote: »

I don't really understand this, he's told her he doesn't love her and isn't attracted to her and never wanted to get married.

She has lots of very good reasons even if she doesn't 'catch him out'.

Agreed!

His love for you has gone, he doesn't find you attractive. It is not about letting him go....

It's about saving yourself from a loveless marriage. Not having someone repeatedly telling you they don't love you, not having to second guess if he is having an affair or not

It's not worth it. He is not worth it.

You are young enough to begin again. Sure it will hurt -and hurt a lot but you WiLL recover. You WILL laugh and again and in time maybe even LOVE again

Miss165

I've been in a similar situation, but on the total other side. I cheated.

I'm not going to try and justify my actions by saying things were bad between me and my partner at the time. However many hurtful things were said to me by him. Matters not now and in any case is irrelevant to the OP's situation.

I met someone, started off as friends and feelings then developed. He treated me amazingly, and made me feel wanted and attractive (in comparison to my partner at the time making me feel crap because of my weight). Again, this isn't to say this has any relevance to the OP.

My point is the OP's husband is doing all the things I did - hiding his phone, going out all the time etc. For me, having met someone else I can honestly say my feelings towards my partner changed and I knew they weren't going to change back.

I was done. I wasn't attracted to my partner anymore and that was it. The spark was gone & I was done. I think that's what OP's husband is feeling, rightly or wrongly.

Things between you are done. It's time for you to move on and find someone who finds you attractive, who loves you and who doesn't make you feel like crap.

april101

Hi everyone,

I'm so sorry for going AWOL and not updating anyone.

I'm going to try and explain what's been going on, where I'm at etc.

I can't believe I posted this in October. I can't believe it's been going on for so long. Over Christmas things picked up massively and then in just a few rubbish hours with him going out drinking with work people it declined back to it's worst. I don't know how I am still here. I have been fighting for it so much as what should have been my dream life is an actual nightmare. I'm living with a lying, (most likely) cheating, selfish husband who has severe mood swings. Another big lie about where he was last night again, and this time his mum caught on. He came home screaming at me even though I hadn't even spoken to him, I'd honestly done nothing wrong.

I'm set to lose so much, the love of my life (although I am aware that he is not deserving of this title but I cannot help how I feel), my dream home, my dream job (due to now up in the air living arrangements), my pets if I can't find suitable living.

My heart is truly broken, he has broken me, and any advice at all on how I can even feel a tiny bit better would be so gratefully received.

I have spoken to my mum, and a few friends, and they are trying their best to help me see the light at the end of the tunnel but it is just so so hard.

At present, we are married, with a house that is mortgaged that we are both living in. I don't even know where to begin to sort this mess out.

Thank you to everyone who posted when I originally started this thread, your messages really do help.

April x

jackieblack

As has been said previously, it would be a good idea for you to try to take some control here. It would help you feel les like a 'victim' in what is happening. You will feel better if you can develop a positive/pro-active attitude, although this might be one of those situations where you have to 'fake it until you make it'.

You need to take a step back and a deep breath and look at the situation objectively. Get some emotional distance from the situation. Any man who treats you this way is NOT 'the love of your life', that is you looking back with rose-tinted glasses. Open your eyes and really SEE how he really is. Think about how you would advise your best friend if they were in your situation. Then, when you have accepted the facts, tell your husband that there is no future for your marriage and that you need to work our the details of separation.

It will be horrible to start with, but it will be short term pain for long term gain. Focus on where you need to get to, not where you have come from.

Don't just give up your dream job, I'm sure you can find a way to make it work if you want to badly enough. My job was my lifeline when the rug was pulled from under me, it was one of the few things that remained a 'constant' and gave me some stability. Do you have anyone who would take your pets temporarily until things are settled, rather than you give them up? Remember, be positive, not a 'victim'.

You will mourn the loss of the life you thought you had, that is absolutely natural. But you need to recognise that the reality is not a good or healthy situation to be in, take control and move forward.

toniq

Sounds a backwards step but can you move back home till you heal and work a way forward?

You would have support and love


x

PeacefulWaters

Excellent post above.

Take control. Get rid of him.

While everything unwinds it will be uncomfortable, but you will find yourself again. You will mend. You will be happy.

Good luck.