The Giving Up/ Cutting Down alcohol support thread - number 13

ManPants wrote: »

I think being designated driver is working well for me too. My frustration & concern with my OH continues on despite this and me acting as designated driver serves only to fuel OH's drinking.
I know it was raised previously that I may be coming across as a sanctimonious recovering drunk, resenting every drop of liquor anyone else has, but in reality - as well as that - I am massively concerned for his health.
In addition, our new business venture needs him to be at the top of his game which he certainly won't be drinking bottles of wine every night, smoking 20 fags a day and never exercising. He seems incapable of going to the shops without buying crisps & dip and a few puddings or chocolates for himself. I understand that not everyone can be health obsessed like me, but I am at the stage I want to shake him & tell him to get a grip. All I am looking for is some indication that there may be a slight ability to have some self discipline over himself.

Would any of you, in all reality, go into business with someone like this? Especially since it is predominantly my money starting it up.

Anyway, moans over. 13/31 AF to report.

Have a great Saturday everyone.

M.P X

Hi Manpants and sorry you are facing all these issues with your OH. I think the problem is that when you give up an addiction you want everyone you love to do the same but that is not going to happen. Drinking and smoking are very selfish problems and no matter how many loved ones beg you slow down or stop you will only every do it on your agenda.

I know this is true as I gave up a 40 a day smoking habit 18 months ago and just before I stopped I was pretty much the only one left in my circle puffing away and everyone around me did everything they could to persuade me to stop but it just made me dig my heels in more. Same with drinking I have had so many messages that I should have listened to but didn't and again it took me to want to do something inside myself not from any outside pressure. I know you mean well and I understand the frustration so let realisation happen when it is right form them

So I would say back right off any messages about health and just show your OH how healthy and happy you are without pointing the finger. As far as going into business then could you delay this? you may well end up resenting them if you are doing the bulk of the work.

Well done to you though you are making some dramatic changes in your own life and that is what really matters

Well done Baileys!

Arkers wrote: »

I spoke about my issues and relationship with alcohol over the years. She nearly started crying, and said to me that she felt she was struggling with her use of booze. She said she'd sat on her own in the house last night, and drank a bottle of wine with a few beer chasers, and that she does that more often then not. I felt like it could have been me talking. I said that it was never too late to moderate her behaviour, and the fact that she recognised this was absolutely the first step in the process.

She sent me a text afterwards saying that I was the first person she'd been totally honest with. I replied there but the grace of God, and that I understood how she felt.

I still get that itch, and if it wasn't for me wanting to lose weight then I'm still not sure I would be there yet. I'm nearly at target in terms of my weight and I think this will be the true test for me. I hope and pray I can continue with my moderation, and I can support my friend with her journey.

Thanks guys,
Arkers x

How lovely that your friend felt that she could be totally honest with you, Arkers. She's obviously very worried about what she's doing. It's a critical first step for anyone who does manage to do something, and without acknowledging the true scale, dealing with it is impossible. I hope you both find a way to be mutually supportive because it would make all the difference. And well done on the weight loss, by the way. Fab motivation!

ManPants wrote: »

I think being designated driver is working well for me too. My frustration & concern with my OH continues on despite this and me acting as designated driver serves only to fuel OH's drinking.
I know it was raised previously that I may be coming across as a sanctimonious recovering drunk, resenting every drop of liquor anyone else has, but in reality - as well as that - I am massively concerned for his health.
In addition, our new business venture needs him to be at the top of his game which he certainly won't be drinking bottles of wine every night, smoking 20 fags a day and never exercising. He seems incapable of going to the shops without buying crisps & dip and a few puddings or chocolates for himself. I understand that not everyone can be health obsessed like me, but I am at the stage I want to shake him & tell him to get a grip. All I am looking for is some indication that there may be a slight ability to have some self discipline over himself.

Would any of you, in all reality, go into business with someone like this? Especially since it is predominantly my money starting it up.

Anyway, moans over. 13/31 AF to report.

Have a great Saturday everyone.

M.P X

I totally get where you're coming from, ManPants. Loving someone and watching them do things that are damaging is really, really tough, but I'm afraid I'm with Baileys on this. The more you try to get your OH to see that what he's doing is basically self-harming, the more he'll dig his heels in. I know I did - and I smoked like a beagle and drank way, way too much for years and I saw everyone who tried to 'help' by pointing out the error of my ways as a sanctimoneous bully.

On the subject of 'would I go into business with someone who lived like that' well, I'd give it a lot of very serious thought first. There are a lot of high functioning addicts who cope very well for a very long time. The chaos surrounding addictive lives is the thing that tips the balance, and it sounds as though your OH isn't chaotic at all. The thing I would suggest is that I wouldn't be with someone who had hit me, so perhaps a bit of give and take while you work out how to address the stresses in both of your lives would be helpful.

You're doing a great job of turning your life around and I'm rooting for you all the way, although I know it doesn't sound like it sometimes. (((hugs)))

Because my problem with alcohol was exactly that, my problem, I knew when I stopped drinking that I couldn't, ever, under any circumstances, give OH a hard time about his drinking. He really struggles to go one day a week without booze - it's a huge thing for him - so I absolutely know there are issues there for him, but I have to be okay with that. It's his life, and my appalling behaviour the last time I drank is my problem. Fortunately for me, because he doesn't particularly enjoy drinking on his own he's gradually cut back over the past two years by about 75% and is sleeping better, so he's feeling better, and as he's 69 I'm pretty okay with that. I'd like him around as long as possible.

Only once, ever, in the last two years has he been horrible when drunk and I therefore now know that some of those vile arguements we used to have when I was drunk weren't entirely my fault. I told him about it the next morning and he was mortified. I think that led to some serious self-examination because he hasn't been that drunk since and there's been no repetion of the horrid behaviour.

In short, I would urge you to take it very, very slowly. It will come right because you love each other and want what's best for each other.

21/31 please, Shaggy.

ManPants wrote: »

I think being designated driver is working well for me too. My frustration & concern with my OH continues on despite this and me acting as designated driver serves only to fuel OH's drinking.
I know it was raised previously that I may be coming across as a sanctimonious recovering drunk, resenting every drop of liquor anyone else has, but in reality - as well as that - I am massively concerned for his health.
In addition, our new business venture needs him to be at the top of his game which he certainly won't be drinking bottles of wine every night, smoking 20 fags a day and never exercising. He seems incapable of going to the shops without buying crisps & dip and a few puddings or chocolates for himself. I understand that not everyone can be health obsessed like me, but I am at the stage I want to shake him & tell him to get a grip. All I am looking for is some indication that there may be a slight ability to have some self discipline over himself.

Would any of you, in all reality, go into business with someone like this? Especially since it is predominantly my money starting it up.

Anyway, moans over. 13/31 AF to report.

Have a great Saturday everyone.

M.P X

Attraction rather than promotion.
If you live a sober and happy life,maybe (and it's just a maybe) then your OH will want that for himself.

I know for myself, if people in my life see me struggling not to drink, occasionally falling off the wagon, lecturing others about their drinking, etc they won't think that sobriety has much to offer...

If they see me living a happy, healthy, and joyous life where I mind my business as to their habits, they will more likely think that my way of life has something to offer them.

Thus it's key my sobriety is of good quality and that way, the sober way of life can attract others.

As I imagine HB will perhaps agree with, it's great getting to the point where you don't even want to drink. Then you feel you aren't denying yourself because you have no urge to put alcohol in your body. I have no desire to drink Dr Pepper, and that's the way I feel about alcohol.

It took me a long time to try to control/moderate/stop drinking until I found something that works for me.
I hope you find what works for you too.

+1AFD please

Saturday night AF heading for the week now :j
So pleased to have kick started this cutting down with the week off. I may well have a drink tomorrow when I am out with work but I will see how I feel. I know I wont be having anymore that 2 as I have a feeling that it will hit me hard after a week off.

Small things you notice ...I emptied the recycling bin today and it was full of water bottles bit different from last Sunday
My skin seems to be better as well, the horrendous wrinkles under my eyes have nearly gone I would never have said they were a result of my wine.

Well done Dizzy on getting rid of the wine good decision

So thats me on 6 now