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  • pension-newbie
    • #2
    • 1st Mar 11, 10:18 PM
    • #2
    • 1st Mar 11, 10:18 PM
    I would ask him to drive to see you now and again.

    Also I would pay for the fuel when you drove, but make him pay his full CSA, or at least more than half. I can't understand why you have settled for less
    All CC & Other Debts - Paid Off
    Fifty something family man looking to retire comfortably before he's dead or effectively so
    • leeroyb
    • By leeroyb 1st Mar 11, 10:26 PM
    • 18 Posts
    • 23 Thanks
    • #3
    • 1st Mar 11, 10:26 PM
    • #3
    • 1st Mar 11, 10:26 PM
    If you've made a deal where you're getting something else (house, car, savings accounts etc) as well as the 'half of CSA payment' then that should be disclosed, otherwise people will just come to the conclusion of evil dad who doesn't want to pay, which may be misleading.

    If it's just half the CSA payment with no other deal, then yes you have the right to ask for additional money, maybe not for driving up each time, that was your choice, but school uniforms, food, rent etc. You should ask him to travel too, it's not fair on the kids if they have 3/4 hours travel each way each month just to see a parent.
    • curriej99
    • By curriej99 1st Mar 11, 11:22 PM
    • 99 Posts
    • 103 Thanks
    • #4
    • 1st Mar 11, 11:22 PM
    • #4
    • 1st Mar 11, 11:22 PM
    Did I read that correctly? So he's working and still living in the old home and you're living 200 miles away and PAYING for the OLD home, even although you're not working or living there? You didn't strike a very good deal there. A bit of petrol once a month is the least of your worries..
  • robynprincess
    • #5
    • 2nd Mar 11, 12:25 AM
    • #5
    • 2nd Mar 11, 12:25 AM
    Is there a reason the dad cant drive to pick up kids? if not, why not ask him to do the trip at least half of the time? If there is a reason, ie he doesnt drive, i think maybe you should bring it up with him if you have a reasonable relationship, even if you started off by asking for half and over time asked him if he would up it to all of the cost. The thing is, you dont want to cause friction as it will be only your children who will suffer. I would try explaining to him as you have to us, that you are really feeling the strain financially and if he could, you would really appreciate some help towards petrol money, I dont feel that you can push it too much though as it was you who moved away, and pushing it might only make things awkward for your children and they might miss out on seeing their dad as much if things become strained.

    Good luck
    Last edited by robynprincess; 02-03-2011 at 1:49 AM.
  • pinkclouds
    • #6
    • 2nd Mar 11, 1:55 AM
    • #6
    • 2nd Mar 11, 1:55 AM
    If you can't afford the petrol money, then you can't afford it. End of. It's not reasonable to add to your existing debts and you can't magic money out of thin air. Explain the situation to the dad. If he can't afford it (or is unwilling to pay for it) tell him that you'll have to (at least temporarily) switch to less frequent trips e.g. every second month instead of every month. Presumably the kids can still talk to him on the phone or on Skype?

    After all, some dads are away for longer, depending on their jobs. If he was in the Forces, he might be seeing them every 6 months! Temporary two-monthly visits are surely vastly better than that.
  • scottmcgarvey
    • #7
    • 2nd Mar 11, 3:41 AM
    • #7
    • 2nd Mar 11, 3:41 AM
    Yes, I think the minimum should be the cost of your fuel if they live with you. When I split up with my partner, and she had my little girl, I paid more than the CSA would've recommended - (we ditched them when we could, as it was not worth the paperwork, and came to our own agreement). I stuck by this even when I was diagnosed with Cancer, and increased at least in line with inflation.

    I drove to GET my girl, she never brought her to me. I got her, and brought her back, even though she remarried fairly quickly. I was more than happy with this arrangement, as it meant I saw her every weekend! (She is at University now)

    I realise how lucky I was - perhaps he doesn't?

    EDIT: 200 miles is a long way. Fair (regardless of cash), would be perhaps for him to do one half - or perhaps alternate with you? My ex only moved 15 miles away!
    Last edited by scottmcgarvey; 02-03-2011 at 3:44 AM. Reason: missed important point
  • goodguyglenn
    • #8
    • 2nd Mar 11, 7:31 AM
    hmmm maybe
    • #8
    • 2nd Mar 11, 7:31 AM
    I think you should alternate the driving. To be fair, it was the woman who upped sticks and moved a massive 200 miles away. The guy would have been entitled to go to court to stop you moving so far away if he knew more about the system. So take it in turns and I can't see anything wrong with that.

    Mind you what did the woman expect moving so far away, that everything would be easier????

    Split it 50-50 and save the arguments...
  • jayne just learning
    • #9
    • 2nd Mar 11, 7:39 AM
    • #9
    • 2nd Mar 11, 7:39 AM
    It sounds like you are struggling financially and the petrol is just another thing on top. Things could quickly get emotive here as I'm sure he's likely to blame you for moving so far away etc so let's try and stick to the facts. Also there are usually two sides to a Story so I'm trying not to judge too much into this.
    1. It is hard for you to manage financially on your current levels of income. You can set out for him what you receive in income, benefits and him against your outgoings and what this means for the quality of life for your children.
    2. His response is either to contribute the shortfall, contribute some or do nothing.
    3. Based on that, you recalculate your budget, any other ways you can save or generate money and prioritise how you will spend your money.
    4. You pay maintenance to provide for your kids not to see them. If he doesn't give you more money it is wrong just to say I'm not driving them anymore in retaliation it only hurts the kids and your ongoing relationship with him. As their mum you decide what are the priorities for your children right now (home, food, clothing, but you may think ongoing contact with their dad is more important than nice Xmas presents for example and you continue to fund petrol when you can) presumably these visits also give you a chance to see your family And friends. No it's not right if he can afford more that he's not paying it but life isn't fair. But in years to come if your children ask why they don't see their dad you will have an honest explanation of the situation rather than memories of blazing rows over petrol money.

    So approach it as "I'm sorry I thought I could manage to live, pay off our debts and still travel to see you on the budget we agreed but I can't. How can you help?" rather than "if you don't pay my petrol money x I'll stop bringing the kids."

    If you are not happy with the outcome and your money situation simply doesn't work no matter how you cut it, you can always revert to CSA having tried the friendly resolution first.
    • jamespir
    • By jamespir 2nd Mar 11, 9:00 AM
    • 18,725 Posts
    • 19,767 Thanks
    you move 200 miles away thats your choice so you cant expect dad to pay the price although you could come to an amicable solution and he comes up month and you go up the next month

    thats what i would do anyway

    i would walk the 200 miles to see my kids
    Replies to posts are always welcome, If I have made a mistake in the post, I am human, tell me nicely and it will be corrected. If your reply cannot be nice, has an underlying issue, or you believe that you are God, please post in another forum. Thank you
    • jamespir
    • By jamespir 2nd Mar 11, 9:03 AM
    • 18,725 Posts
    • 19,767 Thanks
    Did I read that correctly? So he's working and still living in the old home and you're living 200 miles away and PAYING for the OLD home, even although you're not working or living there? You didn't strike a very good deal there. A bit of petrol once a month is the least of your worries..
    Originally posted by curriej99
    the dilema is miss leading and does not give us the full situation it does not say if dads paying off the debt to it just says mum

    it also seems pretty biased to make us feel sorry for mum

    Come on mse you do this every week and only give us half the information
    Replies to posts are always welcome, If I have made a mistake in the post, I am human, tell me nicely and it will be corrected. If your reply cannot be nice, has an underlying issue, or you believe that you are God, please post in another forum. Thank you
    • paulfoel
    • By paulfoel 2nd Mar 11, 9:12 AM
    • 5,435 Posts
    • 2,558 Thanks
    You chose to move the kids 200 miles away from their father. Hard luck.....

    Another example of Dads having no say in the matter and mothers thinking they can do what they want.
    Cymru am Byth !!!
  • fizzynickers
    No - you chose to move your shared children 200 miles away from their father regardless of the rest of the situation. Your jobs as parents is to protect the best interests of your children and to ensure relationships with each parent. I am fed up with mothers using children as weapons against fathers and to get money from fathers and then withdrawing access by moving away. I am a mother of 2 and would never move my children away from their dad, having had it done to me as a child.
  • shazpea
    may as well ask
    you want to help keep the kids in a good relationship with their father, you chose to move 200 miles away, but are giving up time and petrol to cart them there and back. May as well just drop it into a conversation, the worst he can say is no. and yes, that could make things awkward and maybe lead to an argument, but you've kinda got him by the goolies in that he wants to see his kids - how much does he tend to spend on them when he sees them? maybe ask for an increase in your agreement in line with inflation.. ?! he's lucky in that he doesn't have to do the driving, but not so in that he has less time with them. It's one of those conversations that you two need to have and come up with an agreement, regardless of what 'us lot' on the forum think. we're not the ones who have to live with it.
    • benjus
    • By benjus 2nd Mar 11, 11:55 AM
    • 5,236 Posts
    • 3,229 Thanks
    Hmm... this strikes a bit of a chord with me as I'm father to two children who now live overseas with their mother.

    We've been separated for some time and are currently trying to work out the financial settlement for the divorce. At the moment I'm paying in total about double the CSA rate, and I pay most of the transport costs for contact with the children. It is a lot of money, but ultimately I want my children to have a decent life, even if they sadly can't be part of a nuclear family.

    So from that perspective, I think she should definitely ask for more... if there are two children involved, the ex is paying only a tenth of his income towards them!
    Let's settle this like gentlemen: armed with heavy sticks
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  • icepopboogie
    It would be reasonable to ask him to share the expense of driving so far, orto
    continue maybe suggest he drives half way to meet you.
    If you are the only one who makes this journey and cannot afford to contiue then he will have to help out to maintain contact with his children.
    • stmartinsdiver
    • By stmartinsdiver 2nd Mar 11, 12:28 PM
    • 112 Posts
    • 115 Thanks
    As we don't know the details of your split, the financial arrangement you came to or the financial situation of you or your ex no one can tell you whether the current agreement is fair or not. However, as you still seem to be on amicable terms after coming to a financial arrangement that you both agreed to, it would be a shame to spoil this and I can see no reason why you should not ask your ex to alternate on visits or contribute half the fuel costs if you continue to do all the driving.
  • looby75
    I'm shocked at some of the replies here.

    Sometimes when a relationship breaks down a person has to move away because they need the support of their family, it's not simply a case of upping sticks just because you can. As a single parent you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

    Stay where you have no support and end up on benfits because you can't work, or there are no job in that area then you are benefit scum. Move to where you have support or where there are more jobs and you are using your children as a weapon to hurt your ex.

    Simple answer to the dilemma to me would be to ask ex for more maintenance as he's paying less than he should be and use that money to continue to take the children to see him.

    • NatFeerick
    • By NatFeerick 2nd Mar 11, 12:50 PM
    • 86 Posts
    • 106 Thanks
    In short, Yes. Both parents should share the costs and arrangements for the children. He may feel that because she moved so far away she should bear the cost but that kind of attitude will achieve nothing and is likely to strain relations between him and his ex and impact on the children's happinness and his relationship with them. If he's unwilling to simply give her extra money (and I'm amazed she settled for half her entitlement) then meeting her half way and transferring the kids from her car to his seem the best solution and I agree with a previous post that if relations are good with the ex then maybe he could come to her sometimes and pick the kids up and take them out locally so they are not spending half the weekend in a car.
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    • SueC
    • By SueC 2nd Mar 11, 12:59 PM
    • 1,549 Posts
    • 1,890 Thanks
    How about asking him to meet you half way? Literally.

    You drive 100 miles, he drives 100 miles, the kids swap cars and you both drive home again.

    Your fuel costs, and journey time, are halved. He doesn't have to fork out to put fuel in your car.
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