Real life MMD: Should I ask ex for money?

wiltshirebear

When my wife and I divorced, I moved out and stayed local (25 miles), seeing the girls every other weekend and she used every trick in the book to make it difficult. I had to do the collecting and returning - she insisted that both collection and return happened within a fixed time span which - given the fact that I drive in my job - added difficulty if I got stuck in traffic and when I turned up even 5 minutes late she refused access as I was "outside the agreed time slot".

So, despite paying the full CSA amount and ALL the transport charges both ways, there is still no satisfaction and trying to take it back to court to get an enforceable order is just laughable as I just end up with a big legal bill because the Courts won't lock her up for contempt.

From a caring father's point of view, I would gladly drive 200 miles every weekend to see my girls and pay for the petrol if I was only paying half the recommended CSA payment as seems the case here. A more sensible approach would perhaps be to agree a dropping off/collection point roughly half way between the two homes so both parents are paying towards the cost of fuel. Or could the mother in this case not arrange to stay with some friends locally when the children have been dropped off so that there is only one return journey to be made...?

Andyluke2

I'm all for meeting half way and making the access easy problem free as possible....However, I can only presume that the only reason that you didnt go to the CSA is because you both agreed that he could not afford that amount of maintenance or you agreed that you would both benefit from not involving the CSA. Who is to say how much the CSA would assess as I pay CSA and everyone else I speak to all pay differeing amounts, its a total lottery, so I therefore assume that you agreed that he would pay what he could afford.
As harsh as this is, it was your decision to move and take his kids further away from him. You would have known that extra costs may be involved and as it is your decision it should be you that swallows up the extra cost not your ex, who already pays as much as possible. I again assume that you moved to improve your life style, if that has not worked out then it is not your ex's fault.
Both parties should share what is possible, but you cannot expect him to pay more as you moved to improve your life - can he afford to improve his?

mum2one

SueC wrote: »

:eek: For the record, MSE Penelope was the OP, and this isn't me we're talking about! I neither have children nor an ex partner at the other end of the country.

Although in fairness, I do have an ex partner that I wish was at the other other end of the country. :rotfl:

know that feeling about ex-partners, he lived 3 miles away for good 6 yrs, done sweet f a for his child, no csa no nowt, now 2 yrs later moved 60miles he got another child now wants to be father of the yr! I wish he would move to another continent for all I care for what he has done for his child.
He has even walked past us in the street and turned his head the other way when he was level with us!

matador_uk

Agree with other posters, it sickens me when any parent uses their child as a weapon against another parent!

However in this particular scenario there isn't enough info to know the situation so the above comment is not directed towards the originator of this scenario.

My advice in this particular situation is just to echo what others have said, ask your ex if you have a good relationship. If you dont have a good relationship then go through CSA and use the extra to pay off debts and facilitate visits with Dad- do what's in the best interests of your kids. If Dad isn't bothered about seeing them then they'll realise what kind of Dad he is as they grow up, they dont need to know that now. If he is bothered about seeing them then I'm sure he'd be willing to enter into a sensible conversation about making sure that continues to happen.

Good luck

ladyllama

goodguyglenn wrote: »

I think you should alternate the driving. To be fair, it was the woman who upped sticks and moved a massive 200 miles away. The guy would have been entitled to go to court to stop you moving so far away if he knew more about the system. So take it in turns and I can't see anything wrong with that.

Mind you what did the woman expect moving so far away, that everything would be easier????

Split it 50-50 and save the arguments...

This is absolute rubbish, of course a court couldn't stop you from moving!! You are entitled to live wherever you like. I think it's positive that you have come to an arrangement with the father but you seem to be hurting yourself and your children financially by not receiving the full amount of child maintenance you are entitled to. I'm curious as to why your solicitor advised you to accept half of what your children are rightfully due?

As a solicitor myself frankly a contact arrangment like this is astonishing, you do all the travelling so that the father can have contact? Yes, it is in the best interests of the children to have a relationship with their father but this is madness. I would wonder if you had an ulterior motive for making the visit so often.

The father should take responsibility for his children, both financially and emotionally. If you make yourself a martyr, advantage will be taken of you.

BobbinAlong

When we divorced my ex moved around 200 miles away because his new woman lived there with her children and wasn't moving them from school at that critical exam stage. There's a reason for everything you see. Don't read malice into it always.

Trouble was he then persuaded my daughter to move there and I had to do the long trips to fetch her or not see her. Made him pick her up though so evened up the mileage and got the CSA and court order sorted to get her back.

Now she's a student and he's messed up her finances by not doing the forms!

TBagpuss

No, it's nor unreasonable. I don't kow why you agred to accept less than the CSA maintenance. If this was on the basis that your ex was making other payments, for example direct payments towards your rent or bills, then fair enough. Equally, an arrangment to pay less maintenance to take into account costs he was incurring, if he was the one doing all the driving, would be reasonable.

But from what you say, neither is the case. I would sugegst that in the first instacne, you speak to him, and suggest that (for instance) he does half the travelling - perhaps he could pick them up at the start of eachvists, and youi collect them at the end, or you could take it in turns. If he doesn't want to to that, then I think it would be entirely reasonable to ask him to contribute to the travel costs or alternatively to pay maintenace at the normal level.

Even if the agreement about maintenace was part of a bigger financial deal, that is not to say that it is unreasonable to review it regularly so you can take into account changing circumstances.

It isn't in the best interests of the children for either of you to be struggling and either gtting into debt, or being constantly stressed.

adrian_clark

MSE_Penelope wrote: »

Should I ask ex for money?

I'm a single mum of two, I moved over 200 miles from my children's Dad after the relationship broke down. I drive monthly with the children (at my expense) to ensure regular contact. My ex and I made a private arrangement with regards to maintenance, which is half the amount he'd be asked to pay through CSA.

I'm now struggling to pay off debts for our old home and can't really afford those trips. Is it unreasonable for me to ask for the cost of fuel? I don't ever ask for extra money and he earns a decent wage.

QUOTE]

It is a sad reflection of our culture that you have been subjected to cruel comments in this thread. Your continued generosity to your children's father illustrates the depth of your love for them and continued respect for his role. I cannot see that he is showing the love he should, for if he was there would be no need to post your troubles on this site.

Unfortunately there are too many men who break their solemn lifetime binding vows and they should be held to account. The least this man should do is be modelling to his kids how to treat a woman with equal dignity, value and respect. For some really useful help on relationships and husband and wife roles visit: www.marshillchurch.org

no-brainer_3

Firstly, this is a dilemma over whether to ask the father to contribute to cost of petrol not an argument over whether the mother was right to move so far away. No details of their breakdown have been given.

Secondly, saying he's paying half of what the CSA would ask for does not mean he's underpaying! The CSA levels are ridiculous (and I'm a twice divorced mother of 3 not a bitter absent father!) and they do nothing other than make a poor situation worse.

Thirdly, it isn't clear why the mother is driving the children to see the father, maybe he doesn't drive or has no vehicle. Trains, as we all know, have become far too costly for alternative transportation suggestions.

It's not clear whether the debts mentioned were shared, nor indeed whether the father remained in the 'family home' as mentioned by others. What is clear is that maintenance was agreed between the two which is great. Not all of us were as lucky and I had to bring up 2 young children with no assistance what-so-ever despite the CSA and Court system! My second husband was more reasonable and we did come to an arrangement ourselves without the awful CSA system being involved.

In the current climate, I suspect the father is paying what he can in maintenance and quite possibly sharing the debts. It is, however, perfectly reasonable to explain that the cost of driving down for access visits is becoming prohibitive and to ask him to help out. The reality is that the visits would have to be less frequent otherwise - not a threat to with-hold access, but a practical possibility.

I wish you good luck with this issue and hope that your relationship is a reasonable one despite your split and so enable this to be worked out calmly and rationally. :A

adrian_clark

no-brainer wrote: »

Firstly, this is a dilemma over whether to ask the father to contribute to cost of petrol not an argument over whether the mother was right to move so far away. No details of their breakdown have been given.

Secondly, saying he's paying half of what the CSA would ask for does not mean he's underpaying! The CSA levels are ridiculous (and I'm a twice divorced mother of 3 not a bitter absent father!) and they do nothing other than make a poor situation worse.

Thirdly, it isn't clear why the mother is driving the children to see the father, maybe he doesn't drive or has no vehicle. Trains, as we all know, have become far too costly for alternative transportation suggestions.

It's not clear whether the debts mentioned were shared, nor indeed whether the father remained in the 'family home' as mentioned by others. What is clear is that maintenance was agreed between the two which is great. Not all of us were as lucky and I had to bring up 2 young children with no assistance what-so-ever despite the CSA and Court system! My second husband was more reasonable and we did come to an arrangement ourselves without the awful CSA system being involved.

In the current climate, I suspect the father is paying what he can in maintenance and quite possibly sharing the debts. It is, however, perfectly reasonable to explain that the cost of driving down for access visits is becoming prohibitive and to ask him to help out. The reality is that the visits would have to be less frequent otherwise - not a threat to with-hold access, but a practical possibility.

I wish you good luck with this issue and hope that your relationship is a reasonable one despite your split and so enable this to be worked out calmly and rationally. :A

You are of course right. It is important to know the situation in order to offer any useful help. However, it's also an opportunity to recognise the ugly truth that it is more often than not men who fail to honour their wedding vows. I can only represent the male perspective: Loving a women well takes action and commitment. It takes overcoming all the sexual temptation, addictions and nonsense that culture conveys to the male species. Would you say that we would face fewer of these calamities, that fracture families and so often takes children from their fathers, if men treated women with the dignity, value, honour and respect they deserves as wives and mothers, while providing and protecting in accordance with promises made at the outset of their marriage? There is helpful studies of the roles and purpose of men and women at www.marshillchurch.org