Real life MMD: Should I ask ex for money?

Neenaj

It sounds like you're trying to do what's best but struggling. Try suggesting alternate driving or meet in the middle. My son's father had to be forced by threat of jail to pay £5 a week! And then to pay the same in arrears as he has dodged it since being asked for support. Bringing is children is expensive. You should have their fair whack of maintenance, especially if you're paying debts.

pennypinchUK

1. You say you're struggling to pay off debts for your old home. Are these debts that you should be shouldering, or should he be contributing to clearing them as well?

2. Everyone knows that petrol has gone up. Okay, so he might argue that you chose to move away, so the cost of fuel is your burden. But as you've made a private arrangement regarding maintenance, could you not simply ask for a re-negotiation? Your negotiating lever is that he should know he'd have to pay a lot more if you took him to the CSA.

icepopboogie

I don't think it is right to judge someone for moving herself and the children 200 miles away from the father.
We don't know the reason or the circumstances, blame throwing solves nothing.Having children means a lifetime of responsibility
theoretically so easy to say, but in practical terms it takes money and if the money is not there then what are you supposed to do?!!

BILLIE

ianbhenderson73 wrote: »

This is a difficult one: if the couple were married and are now either divorced or seeking a divorce, there should be an agreement drawn up at the time of the divorce which would either ensure that the father paid a sum that was acceptable to the mother, or would document that the mother was happy with the sum of money being paid by the father. Any outstanding debts from the family home should also have been declared at that point so that they could be factored into the calculation.

I'm not sure how it goes when a couple who aren't married have a child or children together and then separate. Theoretically she could go to the Child Support Agency and ask them to ensure that she receives what she's legally entitled to (20% of salary before PAYE deductions). However if she does that, and then tries to get him to make extra payments to cover her increased petrol costs or other expenses then he'd be entirely within his rights to refuse to pay any more than the CSA has mandated.

I speak as a divorced father of 2. I pay slightly more than 20% of my salary to my ex-wife, and have recently moved further away from her and the children. I don't provide any additional money to her for things like clothing or food. I will however happily pay 50% of any cost for a trip organised by the school (or any other organisation that the kids attend), as long as she shows me the letters associated with that.

So, in short she should get the ex-husband to pay the full 20% that she's entitled to receive. If she doesn't, it's her own fault and she shouldn't ask him for money to cover her fuel costs.

In an ideal world what you say is correct, but sorry not every wife is as lucky as yours in that you did/do it by the book. (Never received maintenance from mine and to cover school trips - forget it). Not one of us can be judge and jury - we do not know enough about the situation. There are plenty of suggestions on here so hopefully the OP can now make a decision. Good luck Billie x

quickstepqueen

Firstly I think it is wonderful that although the relationship ended they are still amicable. As the lines of communication are open between them, as mother, I would speak with my ex and state that I was having some financial issues. That I would not want my children to not see their father, that seeing him was paramount but that I was concerned about finding the petrol money. Explain that it's important you keep on top of your debts but have split loyalties. Perhaps the father will be more than happy to help. Or just explain the situation and ask if he would be happy to see the children every 2 weeks until things improve. BUT, I would advise the mother to speak openly with her children about this situation so they know that none of it is their fault.

As for the child maintenance if both parties are happy with the arrangements then that's great. (I know someone who had an amicable arrangement but when mum was taken ill and had to claim benefits, CSA automatically got involved and they changed everything. They didn't want to know about the previous arrangement.)

A.Jones

Talk about it. You might find that he is also struggling and cannot afford it so often. That may mean less visits. So maybe less visits but for a longer time on each visit.

popadom

goodguyglenn wrote: »

I think you should alternate the driving. The guy would have been entitled to go to court to stop you moving so far away if he knew more about the system

Mind you what did the woman expect moving so far away, that everything would be easier????

Split it 50-50 and save the arguments...

how can the courts stop you moving.

if i moved to be with a partner 200 miles in the first place ,then the realationship broke down, id want to go back to my family. Why should the woman stick to say only a 15 min drive, shed be isolated.

antonia1

rgay1992 wrote: »

how can the courts stop you moving.

if i moved to be with a partner 200 miles in the first place ,then the realationship broke down, id want to go back to my family. Why should the woman stick to say only a 15 min drive, shed be isolated.

Whether the courts can stop you is a difficult question, but perhaps the mother would choose put her children first. The OP clearly has chosen that if she is doing everything she can to ensure that her children can see their father.

In answer to the original question, just talk to your ex. Tell him that you are struggling to pay for everything, and if he could take over the costs of the children's visits that would be a massive help.

Augustus_the_Strong

You can ask, but if he says no, what then? It's important to keep contact for your children's sake, so phrase it carefully, think of a compromise, and don't get upset if it doesn't work out. But as long as he is keen himself to stay in touch with the kids, you have some bargaining power. Best of luck.

pineapple

SueC wrote: »

How about asking him to meet you half way? Literally.

You drive 100 miles, he drives 100 miles, the kids swap cars and you both drive home again.

Your fuel costs, and journey time, are halved. He doesn't have to fork out to put fuel in your car.

We don't know if the ex has a car. But I've done this and it can be horrible both for the kids and the other parties - swapping the kids from one car to another in some halfway no mans land.
We have been given limited information - not least why the mother chose to live 200 miles away. But we don't have the details to make any sort of judgment. The father's wage is neither here nor there. Maybe he doesn't have much disposable income?
If the mother can't afford it there is no harm in asking. As already said, rising motoring costs can be argued. I would go for sharing costs or taking turns. Frankly I don't see why the issue of asking should be any sort of dilemma.
The rights and wrongs of the situation or any expectations are a different matter. We don't have the info to judge and we shouldn't confuse the two.