Real life MMD: Should I ask ex for money?

captainjoe1979

You need a fair arrangement I would suggest you drop them off he drops them back. Don't make contract about money! Money should be dealt with separately. I would say once a month is probably not enough, and living that far apart isn’t really fair on the kids. The best thing to do would be to settle the debts by selling the house and liquidating your assets so you have a clean financial brake from each other. Fathers who are asked to pay maintenance can become resentful if they do not get frequent contract. I went through all of this as a child there is nothing worse than being ferried back and forth between two warring parents, Children can end up feeling like they cant object as is would hurt one of their parents. My advise to you is to find specific things for your ex to pay for rather than a single lump which he pays like a wage to you.. it may be too complicated but if he knows how the money is being spent on the children he will feel less resentful, and possibly more willing to give additional money if you need it. Good luck and hang on in there.

ska_lover

I think that people may be missing the point - the first thing i ask myself is WHY did she feel it neccesary to move so far away from the dad at the end of their relationship. My first thought is that he may well be a psycho! and maybe she does the driving because she does not WANT him coming around her house..just a thought..

tallgirld

Just say to him

"Look i'm skint. I can not afford to drive 200 miles anymore so can you come and visit the children yourself?"

oldnewhand

We are hearing part of one side of the story here. I'm a bit suspicious.
. You put the distance between the children and their dad - there may be a reason other than desire to be apart...
. You want the children to maintain their relationship with their father - does he feel as stongly?
. You'd like fuel costs for the trip - do you do 400 miles in a day or stop over somewhere - surely not with him?
.You agreed to half of CSA recommended amount - why? what else did you get?
If it is that you are just a very kind but rather naive person who has really told the whole story; I would suggest you just ask him in a reasonable way, after all you were able to come to private financial arrangement and you do see him each month so there can't be too much animosity can there?

claire2330

I am going through a divorce currently and have 2 young children so I have lots of questions...why are YOU paying off debts on the old home? Why is he only paying HALF of the amount that he should be paying, especially as you say that he has a decent wage? You should be getting all that you and your child are entitled, this needs to be reviewed urgently and if necessary put into the hands of the CSA for a formal agreement if he disputes an increase. I'm not sure why you feel the need to be driving you child to and from the father, if he wants to see her then he should be putting himself out to do so. If he wont, then it shows how much he really cares about seeing her and eventually she would see him for what he is. Everything appears to have fallen on you and clearly this is not good for you financially. It all seems very unfair and wrong in my opinion.

Minimad_2

Hi,

Sounds like you are doing all the work to ensure he meets the children each month. You should advise him that you are having difficulty affording the fuel for the trip as it has gone up drastically recently. You could suggest that he drives up to see them every other month - would that help you meet the cost of the alternate trips? I have been there myself and it is good that you are doing everything you can keeping the children in touch with their dad.

Good luck.

DiscoDollyFi

Legally (as I was advised for Scotland), as you moved away you should be splitting the cost of visits between the two of you. If he had moved then it would be solely his repsonsibility to pay to come and visit your children.
You should absolutely ask him for help with the fuel, in fact he should be making the effort to come see his kids and not expect you to do all the running around!!!
Good luck

Amberelli

I also would want to know why you moved so far away. Mothers do this all the time and think that it is acceptable. I wonder whether people would be so understanding if the father had custody of the children (fat chance of that happening in this country) and did the same. However, we must push aside what is MORALLY right and what is EMOTIONALLY good for the children - and look at the LAW (which currently considers neither). The father should be paying the required amount through the CSA and both parents should be equally sharing financial and time costs to ensure that the children have regular contact with the parent they do not live with.

UdnyQuine

Why do you drive? I always found with 2 children it was much cheaper to get a family railcard and get the train. It must be even better value nowadays with the price of petrol. You get a discount off your fare and the children travel for £1.
Alternatively if you must drive then meet in a city half way. My exhusband and I were in Aberdeen and Edinburgh. We used to meet in Dundee to transfer the children for a weekend or a holiday. Especially Christmas day so we could both spend some time with them and there were no trains.

FATBALLZ

This entirely depends on why you moved. If it was to 'get away', or any other optional reason, then the fact these trips are expensive is entirely your fault, you should bear the cost, and you have no moral (if not legal) right whatsoever to ask for money for it. If you moved because you had no financial option - in the case of moving back with your parents as you couldn't afford a home otherwise, presumably, then he should help you with the costs.