Real life MMD: Should I ask ex for money?

[Deleted User]

You chose to move the kids 200 miles away from their father. Hard luck.....

Another example of Dads having no say in the matter and mothers thinking they can do what they want.

fizzynickers

No - you chose to move your shared children 200 miles away from their father regardless of the rest of the situation. Your jobs as parents is to protect the best interests of your children and to ensure relationships with each parent. I am fed up with mothers using children as weapons against fathers and to get money from fathers and then withdrawing access by moving away. I am a mother of 2 and would never move my children away from their dad, having had it done to me as a child.

shazpea

you want to help keep the kids in a good relationship with their father, you chose to move 200 miles away, but are giving up time and petrol to cart them there and back. May as well just drop it into a conversation, the worst he can say is no. and yes, that could make things awkward and maybe lead to an argument, but you've kinda got him by the goolies in that he wants to see his kids - how much does he tend to spend on them when he sees them? maybe ask for an increase in your agreement in line with inflation.. ?! he's lucky in that he doesn't have to do the driving, but not so in that he has less time with them. It's one of those conversations that you two need to have and come up with an agreement, regardless of what 'us lot' on the forum think. we're not the ones who have to live with it.

benjus

Hmm... this strikes a bit of a chord with me as I'm father to two children who now live overseas with their mother.

We've been separated for some time and are currently trying to work out the financial settlement for the divorce. At the moment I'm paying in total about double the CSA rate, and I pay most of the transport costs for contact with the children. It is a lot of money, but ultimately I want my children to have a decent life, even if they sadly can't be part of a nuclear family.

So from that perspective, I think she should definitely ask for more... if there are two children involved, the ex is paying only a tenth of his income towards them!

icepopboogie

It would be reasonable to ask him to share the expense of driving so far, orto
continue maybe suggest he drives half way to meet you.
If you are the only one who makes this journey and cannot afford to contiue then he will have to help out to maintain contact with his children.

stmartinsdiver

As we don't know the details of your split, the financial arrangement you came to or the financial situation of you or your ex no one can tell you whether the current agreement is fair or not. However, as you still seem to be on amicable terms after coming to a financial arrangement that you both agreed to, it would be a shame to spoil this and I can see no reason why you should not ask your ex to alternate on visits or contribute half the fuel costs if you continue to do all the driving.

looby75

I'm shocked at some of the replies here.

Sometimes when a relationship breaks down a person has to move away because they need the support of their family, it's not simply a case of upping sticks just because you can. As a single parent you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Stay where you have no support and end up on benfits because you can't work, or there are no job in that area then you are benefit scum. Move to where you have support or where there are more jobs and you are using your children as a weapon to hurt your ex.

Simple answer to the dilemma to me would be to ask ex for more maintenance as he's paying less than he should be and use that money to continue to take the children to see him.

NatFeerick

In short, Yes. Both parents should share the costs and arrangements for the children. He may feel that because she moved so far away she should bear the cost but that kind of attitude will achieve nothing and is likely to strain relations between him and his ex and impact on the children's happinness and his relationship with them. If he's unwilling to simply give her extra money (and I'm amazed she settled for half her entitlement) then meeting her half way and transferring the kids from her car to his seem the best solution and I agree with a previous post that if relations are good with the ex then maybe he could come to her sometimes and pick the kids up and take them out locally so they are not spending half the weekend in a car.

SueC_2

How about asking him to meet you half way? Literally.

You drive 100 miles, he drives 100 miles, the kids swap cars and you both drive home again.

Your fuel costs, and journey time, are halved. He doesn't have to fork out to put fuel in your car.

ianbhenderson73

This is a difficult one: if the couple were married and are now either divorced or seeking a divorce, there should be an agreement drawn up at the time of the divorce which would either ensure that the father paid a sum that was acceptable to the mother, or would document that the mother was happy with the sum of money being paid by the father. Any outstanding debts from the family home should also have been declared at that point so that they could be factored into the calculation.

I'm not sure how it goes when a couple who aren't married have a child or children together and then separate. Theoretically she could go to the Child Support Agency and ask them to ensure that she receives what she's legally entitled to (20% of salary before PAYE deductions). However if she does that, and then tries to get him to make extra payments to cover her increased petrol costs or other expenses then he'd be entirely within his rights to refuse to pay any more than the CSA has mandated.

I speak as a divorced father of 2. I pay slightly more than 20% of my salary to my ex-wife, and have recently moved further away from her and the children. I don't provide any additional money to her for things like clothing or food. I will however happily pay 50% of any cost for a trip organised by the school (or any other organisation that the kids attend), as long as she shows me the letters associated with that.

So, in short she should get the ex-husband to pay the full 20% that she's entitled to receive. If she doesn't, it's her own fault and she shouldn't ask him for money to cover her fuel costs.