how to get wife to support my budgeting activity

tru

MP, Martin says this here

Then some interesting pain-full stuff; putting the child benefit away for the children, when they need the money. This is a classic example of guilt finances. The money is there to provide a home and life for children. If squirreling it away causes financial problems for you - then you’re not helping them.

Tom_Saunders

or... no that's illegal. I know the feeling mate, 99% of women overspend.

Nikki

No advice, sorry. But you are definatetly not alone in your situation. My BIL is married to someone who wants and spends all the time, with no thought to whether they can afford it or actually need it. Think they're in quite a bit of debt. IMHO she will never have a lightbulb moment(she had all her cc's and cheque books taken away when she was single) She doesn't care about APR's on cards and just uses them regardless. I could understand it a bit more if she was 18, but she's 29 and 4 yrs older than my BIL and they have a child. BIL does try to stop her but she just ignores him or has a go at him.

MPwannasavemoney

Nikki wrote:

No advice, sorry. But you are definatetly not alone in your situation. My BIL is married to someone who wants and spends all the time, with no thought to whether they can afford it or actually need it. Think they're in quite a bit of debt. IMHO she will never have a lightbulb moment(she had all her cc's and cheque books taken away when she was single) She doesn't care about APR's on cards and just uses them regardless. I could understand it a bit more if she was 18, but she's 29 and 4 yrs older than my BIL and they have a child. BIL does try to stop her but she just ignores him or has a go at him.

One wonders whether it is possible to get a court order in place to limit the activities of such people?

Slinky

Sorry to be blunt but have you asked this woman who shares your house how come she appears to expect you to be a meal ticket for life? I thought marriage was about sharing, not about her cracking the whip and telling you how you should be earning more to keep her in the style to which she wants to become accustomed.

Pegleg2001

I had a similar scenario (although not as bad as this). It involved many blazing rows which did not help the situation. I concluded that she *cannot* understand numbers or logic. Presenting a budget and reasoned arguments was a waste of energy and time.

I am the breadwinner and she has not earned for 10 years whilst bringing up our young family. I have been at pains to stress to her that the money that comes in is all 'our' money - as she expends as much effort as I in providing and bringing up the family. This is important as many stay at home mums suffer from lower self-esteem due to perceived 'I'm not contributing' syndrome <Husbands take note!>. Constant reassurance is needed on this poiunt to keep your partner onside and motivated.

My solution was to put my foot down (in the nicest possible way) and to set up direct debits for all possible things, including things that would normally only be thought of as one-off expenses; savings/investments, holiday/xmas saveup, car depreciation, TV license, repair/spare emergency flush fund, etc. I felt that switching to separate his/her/ours accounts was too dramatic a move and would be perceived as a punishment. This was done with her agreement albeit with a hint of reluctance.

The only control my wife now has is over budget is, a) groceries and b) hers/kids clothes. Then using 'reverse psycology' for a) I nonchalently ask what the spend was this week and what 'bargains' did she achieve. She now takes pride in coming under budget and getting good deals on multi-pack purchases etc, and for b) I ask to see her purchases so I can 'coo' over them (whilst secretly registering that all is within budget).

I am sure that further budget cuts could be made on the above, but this would cause relationship strain. I view this 'overspend' as worth it. Overall, we are within our means and the finances are stable both fiscally and emotionally.

I hope this helps others, although each situation will be unique.

margaretclare

Slinky wrote:

Sorry to be blunt but have you asked this woman who shares your house how come she appears to expect you to be a meal ticket for life? I thought marriage was about sharing, not about her cracking the whip and telling you how you should be earning more to keep her in the style to which she wants to become accustomed.

This was the case in my present husband's last marriage. Asking the question: 'how come you expect me to be your meal-ticket for life?' would have elicited both verbal and physical violence, temper tantrums and sulks from her. In the end he just couldn't take any more.

I have never, in my entire life, expected anyone to be a 'meal-ticket' for me. Never, not even in the times way back when a woman was supposed to acquire a 'husband to support her'. I've always paid my own way.

We now have pensions income independently in our own right, we discuss, we trust and respect each other, we share what we have, and as he said only this morning 'that's the only way it can be'.

Aunty Margaret

jobbingmusician

One of the main problems seems to be that the OP wants to save money to pay off the mortgage, which is on interest only, if I've understood it correctly.

Would it be possible to draw up a budget that shows how much money needs to be put aside each month as if the 'full' mortgage payments were being made, and demonstrate to wife that they will lose the house if the payments are not maintained (thus demonstrating why the savings are needed).........?

nicola1982_2

It sounds like she doesn't see the value of money. I'm a non-working housemember, thankfully I've always had to budget for myself and now I'm living off OH's income I'm even cheaper.

HOWEVER - It is incredibly difficult not having financial independance, I often feel upset that I am dependant on somebody else. Maybe this is her way of dealing with it, almost pretending money isn't an issue so she doesn't feel like a financial burden.

gundo

MPwannasavemoney wrote:

My wide doesn't care about following this advice. If we carry on as we are we will be in debt in about 3 years.
[...]

Not wishing to seem disrespectful but your wife needs a reality check (not cheque! )

I'm worried about everything you say because it all seems so negative and it could drive a wedge between you. IMHO I think she's wilfully ignoring your advice yet spending your joint money.

I hope you can work things out.