My sister has stopped paying 'keep', should I?

playing_with_fire

Thanks for the replies,

I am angry and frustrated mostly that my parents gave me a lot of grief at the weekend when I have always paid and am willing to pay still.

I understand the responses saying that it is unfair to punish my parents for my sister's behaviour, it's just this has been goin on for 7/8 months now and as well as rent she hasn't paid anything back of the £200 she got my mum to put on her credit card for her boyfriend's Christmas present. I guess as it seems they are not willing to take a firm stand I was hoping my saying I would only pay what she did would push them to tell her that it had to stop and it worked...for one month.

I know this sounds very childish but the injustice and double standards really bother me. Why should one child get away with it. I know that is my parents business but for any parents out there with similar things going on, know that by letting one of your kids get away with doing whatever they like really hurts the others. I also have a little little sister who moved out last year, one year younger than sister at home (all v close in age!). It just makes you wonder what the point is of being good when you can be selfish and have everything you want. That's not the way I want to live my life but it hurts when they shout at me about things they are obviously angry at her about.

I have talked to my sister about it, the last time was at the beginning of last weekend when she got v angry and I had to leave the house. In the past I have given my mum the money in front of her, I have suggested family meetings but she just doesn't show and goes out instead.

Believe me I would love a bigger room, but she would go MAD if I tried to switch, plus she has tons of stuff, £25k of debt buys a lot of clothes, toiletries etc.

It just really upsets me and I'm not completely sure why. I'm working so hard to get a decent deposit together and have a nice future with my boyfriend and I should look forward to that and not let this get to me but it really does. I have to go now, I can feel my eyes welling up and they go really red and I have to get my train.

Thanks for your comments though, it just feels nice to say some of this stuff and not get shouted at.

pinkshoes

It sounds like it's your parents who need to get a grip and do the disciplining!!

They really shouldn't loan her any money, and they should make her hand over most of her salary to pay off the debt if she wants to live under their roof!

Nicki

Your sister's arrangement with your parents is between them, and shouldn't influence how you behave. As others have said, just because she is behaving badly doesn't mean that you should descend to her level. Your parents may have been angry when you refused to pay because they rely on your money to make ends meet/save for something they want for themselves, whereas they know by experience not to rely on your sister.

I understand that you are hurt by the apparent double standards but unless you can see into their hearts there is no way of knowing how they feel about you and your sister. Rather than assuming she is their favourite because of this situation, you could consider that perhaps she is a disappointment to them and they do not know how to deal with her shortcomings, whereas you are the reliable daughter saving for a future of whom they are very proud. You have mentioned that she has problems with her temper as well as debts. Perhaps your parents see her as being emotionally vulnerable or just more immature than you, and in need of more support. Perhaps they are planning to (or have already) written their wills to reflect the fact that they have given more money to her than to her siblings? I'm not suggesting that you ask these questions, just to bear in mind that there may well be more going on here than meets the eye.

At the end of the day, you are living close to London in presumably a nice house for significantly less than market rent. Your parents are therefore being very generous to you too. If you don't like the situation, then you can move out and live independently, but that will hit you in the pocket. If it saves the relationship between you and your parents however, you may feel that's a price worth paying.

BallandChain

It's always the way isn't it, that one child acts responsible, does the right thing and feels the anger from the parents while the other one can get away with murder and not suffer the consequences of their actions.

It's not much comfort knowing that but your parents are to blame. You should carry on paying your way and just think that you are probably paying a darn sight less than you would if you moved out. Your sister will carry on regardless and if your parents ever see sense and kick her out I'd love to be a fly on the wall when she has to pay her rent/mortgage! They aren't doing her any favours as she obviously has no concept of the value of money judging by her debts.

Just be glad that you don't have those debts hanging over you! Her day of judgement will come and it will probably be in court.

liuhut

Your sister is goiing to be there for a long time if she has debt like that and has not changedd her lifestyle to sort it out.
I sometimes get mad that my younger brother lives at home almost rent free with his girlfriend, it has taken my mum and dad three years to see what's going on, but they have now but do not want to say anything incase they push him away...
I would pay the money, you dont want to ruin the relationship with them and then just take pride in yourself that at least you are doing the wrong thing....you have a lot better future than your sister imho.

jackomdj

Personally I would pay it but make your parents aware that you feel you are being penalised for being sensible with your money.

Just think that it some point you may need assistance with something & they will be more happy to help out (be it financially or otherwise) as they know what you are like.

Nicky

tomstickland

Having skimmed the first post, I think you should pay the agreed amount regardless of what your sister pays. That's a separate problem, one that needs working on.

CB1979_2

!!!!!! has it got to do with you if your sister was paying £10 a month or £1000 a month? (assuming if she was paying £1000 a month you'd match that too?).

down to your parents to sort it out, fine suggest you have the bigger room if you're paying rent, but not your sister's problem you went back home after you moved out already.

you're being petty over something which is a luxury for you (ie cheaper rent as opposed to private rent) the agreement is between you and your parents, they agreed to let you stay there, you agreed to pay.

so between that agreement it's you that isn't holding up your end of the deal, using your parents' weakness for their other kid to YOUR advantage.

i've been in a similar situation where i was the younger kid and paid off my "loan" to my parents to our deal whereas my older brother & sister didn't keep up with their agreements.

i felt good and my parents were appreciative of that too.

Scarlett1

CB1979 wrote: »

!!!!!! has it got to do with you if your sister was paying £10 a month or £1000 a month? (assuming if she was paying £1000 a month you'd match that too?).

down to your parents to sort it out, fine suggest you have the bigger room if you're paying rent, but not your sister's problem you went back home after you moved out already.

you're being petty over something which is a luxury for you (ie cheaper rent as opposed to private rent) the agreement is between you and your parents, they agreed to let you stay there, you agreed to pay.

so between that agreement it's you that isn't holding up your end of the deal, using your parents' weakness for their other kid to YOUR advantage.

i've been in a similar situation where i was the younger kid and paid off my "loan" to my parents to our deal whereas my older brother & sister didn't keep up with their agreements.

i felt good and my parents were appreciative of that too.

I think it has a lot to do with her, she is paying her way and her and her sister are being treated different, talk about rewarding bad behaviour I think the parents need to grow a pair and tackle the brat's behaviour, if they get less rent from the OP then its their loss and lesson learned, although it sounds like the parents are scared of the sister's to the tune of not even being able to have a go at her when they have been short changed of the rent.

bestpud

I can fully appreciate your frustration and resentment about this - I'd be the same in your shoes.

However, I can't help but feel you are treating your parents in the same (very poor manner) your sister is.

This situation is clearly upsetting them and it is telling that they are not confronting her, despite pressure from you. Has it always been this way? Have you had it out with her?

Really though, you are paying keep to your parents, not your sister, and if you respect them, and what they do for you, you should pay it anyway.

If not, then maybe it is time you found alternative accomodation, but remember that acting on that principle will cost you more.

Quite simply, if you are gaining financially from being there, then stay put and pay your parents.

That does not mean you shouldn't raise your objections however - I think you have every right to say you feel hurt by it (most people would I think)!