My sister has stopped paying 'keep', should I?

lady_stardust

I'm surprised that so many people are advocating that the OP should keep paying regardless. I don't doubt that she respects her parents but I feel that these double standards show that they don't respect her.

seven-day-weekend

I think you should pay your parents your rent as that is the right thing to do. CDon't do the wrong thing just because your sister does.

I do agree that your parents should ask her to pay more, but you can't make them do so.

Don't let your sister's (and parents') behaviour spoil your previously good relationship with them.

chalky_75

Oh I am sorry you feel like this and I agree with all the other posters your sister sounds a nightmare.

But to be honest the people I feel most sorry for are your parents. I bet they could do without all this hastle and would probably like to live peacefully on their own and all the family come to visit and spend quality time with them

Just because you are parents doesnt mean that you are a never ending source of financial help. Perhaps after working hard all their lives they would love to stop financially supporting all of you and start to spend their hard earned money on themselves.

I love my kids to bits. 1 still lives at home pays her rent by direct debit and is wonderful. If the others wanted to come home ( for a short while) they would not step inside the door without the same arrangement. We would still be subsidising them but we would not treat any of them any differently. I respect my kids and they HAVE to and do respect us.

If I was your parents I would be selling up and moving to a 1 bedroom flat so that I could not have the mick taken out of me. I hate confrontations and ill feeling so my life would be miserable in their situation

floss2

lady_stardust wrote: »

I'm surprised that so many people are advocating that the OP should keep paying regardless. I don't doubt that she respects her parents but I feel that these double standards show that they don't respect her.

The advice has been given so that she can continue to keep respect for her parents, can continue to contribute to the costs of living in their home and so that she can rise above the lamentable situation that her sister has caused.

None of us know exactly how much her parents rely on her contribution - I am darn sure that adding the cost of 2 extra adults to our household expenses but offset by only 1 paying a contribution to those costs would cause my & my DF's household accounts a problem.

Their reaction to her keep being late may be because they need it to cover the cost of her sister, but are unable to broach the subject with the sister. It is a difficult time, but the OP has to keep in her mind that it is not her problem to solve, it is her parents' problem.

floss2

chalky_75 wrote: »

......
If I was your parents I would be selling up and moving to a 1 bedroom flat so that I could not have the mick taken out of me. I hate confrontations and ill feeling so my life would be miserable in their situation

We have considered this, purely to "encourage" my 2 sons to stand on their own 2 feet!

And as a very MSE way of cutting our household expenses of course.... :rolleyes:

mistresslisa

I had the exact same thing with my mum and my younger sister, she was always out spending all her money without paying her bills/debts or keep. I was paying my mum double what she asked my sister for and yes it got me down because i thought well hang on a minute if i can do it so can she!!! So i know exactly how you feel.

In the end i saw it as hey i'd have to pay rent if i lived in my own place (probably alot more too) so i am getting a bargain really. Now i live on my own with my 2 children i see how much it helped me i budget well bills are paid and my rent account is in credit, whereas my sister still owes people money and cant budget to save her life and even now she is STILL ringing mum and dad for money help!

My answer to your post is carry on paying your mum, its a good way to get in habit of paying your way, forget what your sister does at the mo because one day she will have to stand on her own feet and she just wont know where to start. xx

playing_with_fire

Hello

Thanks for all the replies.

I strongly feel that if you are living at home and working you should contribute whether they need the money or not, it just becomes complicated when someone just doesn't play ball and resentment builds.

I just wanted to say that my parents have never made me feel there was any kind of favouritism. They have treated all three of us the same, that's why we always paid the same amount etc and things like that. It's just sad that my sis thinks it is ok to take advantage of our parents kindness.

I had a chat with my mum and told her that I will continue to pay. It was awful because I can see how upset it makes her that she cannot get my sister to do the same. She said she feels bad taking money from me when my sister pays nothing and she'd rather I didn't pay because at least that way it is fair. I told her that it isn't fair to her and dad and I will pay anyway like people have said it does prepare you for the real world.

To all the people that say move out. I did consider it, but once again it's not as simple as that. As well as building up my deposit, I like to be there to keep an eye on my mum and make sure she is ok. At this time I don't want it to be just my parents and my sister in the house. I know that is awful but I still hold some older sister clout even if I can't get her to pay up and I do stand up to her even with her temper. Plus even though we have this problem, we are a pretty close family really and I know my mum and dad like having us close by, family is really important to them. Like I said before my sister can be really loving and nice and she is really convincing at telling us about all the things she is doing to fix her situation. I know what she is like and yet she has still been able to convince me to loan her money (but not for the last 9 months or so, I do not even keep money in my room anymore, just in case), it's tough because she will always be my little sister and I will always want her to be ok. It's a real love/hate situation. I am just hoping that her lightbulb moment happens soon.

My parents do actually want to move a little bit further out, which I am all for as although they have said we can come too, I'm sure my sister would have to move out and learn what's it's like to have to pay real London rent and bills (because it would be just far enough to mess with her nights out) and my boyfriend will have finished his studies and we can finally live together.

I just have to learn to deal with my feelings towards my sister, I would love to not be angry with her for this whole thing but I just can't understand how she can be so selfish, my parents shouldn't have to ask for rent. What have others done in similar situations? I just can't imagine us having a good realtionship at the moment but she's my little sister and I could never not be there for her. Argh families!

sofia73

I know many have said that you should pay, but I disagree. You are there saving for a specific purpose and your parents know that and am guessing would like to support you in that. So save your money, so you can move out quickly and get away from the selfish sister.

Instead of paying housekeeping, do work around the house/ garden instead - I've decorated my parents house 3 times, done the garden, paint the garden fence yearly , take them out shopping weekly. Whatever regular contribution you can make.

Make it practical so they (and your sister) can see what you do.

That way you save your money, but you are still doing your bit around the home.

It would be great if your parents could issue some tough love, but seriously that is very unlikely to happen. She is still their 'child' but until they start to demand the she take adult responsibility she will do as she likes.

Hugs to you - I know exactly how frustrating it can be, but it does get a bit better once you get your own place!

Best of luck

CB1979_2

but what if her parents don't want odd jobs doing?

sure if they suggest it, but perhaps the OP would rather pay each month than spend time doing loads of jobs?

anyway, i'd opt for selling the stuff on ebay and laxatives in her coffee every morning!

sofia73

It's not 'odd jobs' it they are already paying someone else to do it, that's the point I was trying to ( unsuccessfully?) make.

And the money that would have gone to housekeeping goes straight into a savings account as a DD.

And yeah, laxatives in the coffee works a treat :rotfl: