What rights does he have?

miserly_mum

Basic story is my DD (18) has a 14 months old Daughter. The baby's Daddy didn't want to know and even denied she was his.

He was imformed when DGD was born but didn't bother to contact DD and his name is not on the her birth certificate

He turned up when DGD was 10 months old wanting to play happy families and DD agreed because she always felt DGD should know her Daddy.He bought DGD a few toys and clothes over the next 4 months but never contributed financially on a a regular basis. He works and is away 2-3 nights per week the other nights he stayed in DD house but gave her nothing for his keep.( I didn't know this until sat)

When DD got her own house my OH and I gave her our bed and we bought a new one. It was only a year old and like new. But her BF complained it was uncomfortable and his Mum and Dad bought them a new one last Tuesday. DD gave her own bed away on freecycle. On Sat they had a row because she wouldn't go somewhere with him.

She was in my house on Sat afternoon and got a call from him letting her know he was "leaving" her and taking all his stuff, INCLUDING THE BED. His Dad even brought his van down and helped him take it. Both of them knowing she had nothing else to sleep on. His Dad has not spoken to her once in 4 months

She was understandably upset and wants nothing more to do with him. But he's pestering her crying down the phone etc. (But hasn't mentioned the bed strangely enough)

Anyway he says wants to see DGD.Personally I don't think he really does ,its just to get back with DD. She is determined not to bother with him again and doesn't want him in her house. He wants to take DGD to his parents house but in 4 months he hasn't changed,fed or bathed her once and DD isn't happy with him taking her. (If i'm honest I don't want my DGD around people who would happily let her Mother sleep on the floor).

Sorry for waffling on but does he have ny legal rights? He isn't on her birth certificate, and has contributed almost nothing towards her upkeep and didn't even acknowledge her for 10 months of her life?

pandas66

Hi,
1stly I don't know what rights he has now as he's not named on the birth cert but a DNA test would proof the parentage so thats a no no to hold against him.

I think in all honesty as the Grandmum your going to have to go against a lot of bad feeling and help your DD sort this out for the best interest of your DGD.
I have read he wasn't around for 10 months but I also read he has been round for the last 6 months, so that has got to count.

Yes it seems to tennagers can't get on, thats life, but now is the time to set it out for the 2 families to move forward.

If the lad is crying down the phone to her, its A. he's emotional to your DD and also B. she is answering his calls!

I have been through the breakup of family and my ex is no longer in touch with me but is a little with his children, their choice now they areolder.

But I do know I would try to intervene if my boys were to have a failed relationship, not for the ex partner but for their childrens (IYKWIM)

shelley_crow

Hi, didn't want to read and run.

AFAIK if his name isn't on the birth certificate then has no legal rights over your gd. If he wanted to contest this he'd have to get a court order to make your GD have a DNA test, he'd have to pay court fees and DNA test. I don't know how long this would take.

Personally, I'd tell him that he isn't the father and that i made a mistake. He sounds like a waste of space. Best of luck toyour family x

DaisyFlower

Sorry your daughter is having a rough time.

If the dad wants access its likely a court will grant it - they rarely deny access unless there is history of drugs/violence etc.

Contact and maintenance are dealt with separately by the courts so the fact he hasnt contributed wont matter. Your daughter can apply to the CSA if she wishes to pursue maintenance, its automatically triggered if claiming IS so I assume she works.

Whether or not he pursues contact if he realises the procedure or not is another matter, it can be costly if he doesnt get legal aid or earn a good wage.

At the end of the day, he is the little ones father and sometimes we have to put our own feelings aside on contact issues.

hobo28

Since he is not named on the birth certificate then technically he has no parental responsibility (PR) and therefore DD can do pretty much whatever she pleases.

He *could* go to court, get PR and then apply for access. That is his right and as others have said, if he wanted to he could. From the sounds of things he's unlikely to bother.

He sounds incredibly immature and selfish. DD is well rid of him. Perhaps in a few years time he may grow up.

January20

I'm sorry but I've got to put my two pence worth....

I know sometimes we have to put our feeling aside for our children and do what is right for others, but a family who would remove a bed from a young girl's home, and leave her to sleep on the floor when she is the mother of their grand-daughter, is that a family that is suitable for the said child? What were the parents of this lad thinking? I understand that as he is a teenager he may well be selfish and immature but what about his parents?

If it were my daughter I would tell the lad that he can if he wants apply to court for PR and access - at his own cost and that he has to pay maintenance for the child. Then the strength of his feelings and his determination to be a father would soon become obvious.... or not!

I would be really hard with him because I think it's really bad for the child to have a father who doesn't treat her mother with respect and pops in and out of her (the child's) life when it suits him.

miserly_mum

pandas66 wrote: »

Hi,
1stly I don't know what rights he has now as he's not named on the birth cert but a DNA test would proof the parentage so thats a no no to hold against him.

I think in all honesty as the Grandmum your going to have to go against a lot of bad feeling and help your DD sort this out for the best interest of your DGD.
I have read he wasn't around for 10 months but I also read he has been round for the last 6 months, so that has got to count.

Yes it seems to tennagers can't get on, thats life, but now is the time to set it out for the 2 families to move forward.

If the lad is crying down the phone to her, its A. he's emotional to your DD and also B. she is answering his calls!

I have been through the breakup of family and my ex is no longer in touch with me but is a little with his children, their choice now they areolder.

But I do know I would try to intervene if my boys were to have a failed relationship, not for the ex partner but for their childrens (IYKWIM)

This young man is 22 not a teen.

I accepted him when he appeared in DD life because I felt that anyone can make a mistake and he should have a second chance. I put my own feelings to the side and made him feel welcome in my Home.

Yes she did answer a few of his many many calls because she had stuff belonging to him and wanted him to collect them. (she left them in her shed). Now because she won't answer his calls or texts he's starting to ring me and her sister threatening to ring social services etc.

I know its just empty threats to get her attention but DD is understandably upset by all this. Although she as no worries on that score as she is a very good mother and DGD is a happy, much loved little girl.

miserly_mum

January20 wrote: »

I'm sorry but I've got to put my two pence worth....

I know sometimes we have to put our feeling aside for our children and do what is right for others, but a family who would remove a bed from a young girl's home, and leave her to sleep on the floor when she is the mother of their grand-daughter, is that a family that is suitable for the said child? What were the parents of this lad thinking? I understand that as he is a teenager he may well be selfish and immature but what about his parents?

If it were my daughter I would tell the lad that he can if he wants apply to court for PR and access - at his own cost and that he has to pay maintenance for the child. Then the strength of his feelings and his determination to be a father would soon become obvious.... or not!

I would be really hard with him because I think it's really bad for the child to have a father who doesn't treat her mother with respect and pops in and out of her (the child's) life when it suits him.

The fact his Dad would be so petty amazed me too. She wouldn't have kept the bed if they wanted it back, but not to give her a chance to replace it was cruel on their part.

pandas66

miserly_mum wrote: »

This young man is 22 not a teen.

I accepted him when he appeared in DD life because I felt that anyone can make a mistake and he should have a second chance. I put my own feelings to the side and made him feel welcome in my Home.

Yes she did answer a few of his many many calls because she had stuff belonging to him and wanted him to collect them. (she left them in her shed). Now because she won't answer his calls or texts he's starting to ring me and her sister threatening to ring social services etc.

I know its just empty threats to get her attention but DD is understandably upset by all this. Although she as no worries on that score as she is a very good mother and DGD is a happy, much loved little girl.

I think you should help your DD sort out as amicably as you can the calmest path forward.

Do you know the other Granparents?

Surely they want o the best forthe DGD too, I know they took the bed away, perhaps she shouldn't have gotten rid of hers so quick either.
She can sleep on an airbed froma friend or try freecyc again to seewhats n offer.
I know the easiest course is to shout him dowm, and I kow I hav been there! But if thats what he has to face, then you won't get nywhere soon. It will b court battle after battle and its hard on everyone.

There are calmer ways to move forward, I didn't pick them incidently and have had years of mucking around till nowhe only deals with the boys.

Just try to help her do it all easier.

UglyBetty

Your daughter is fortunate to have your support and it must be difficult for you to watch as she struggles to make her way in all this, especially now that she has a young baby. It is crucial to try to think in the longer term and not get drawn into a battle over the bed, or contact. If he is the father (and it seems everyone accepts that he is?) then it is important that he is aware that responsibilities come with 'rights'. Legally, he does not have parental rights from what you say, however, unless he is a danger to the baby then it is important to facilitate contact. Ideally, for a baby of that age she would need to be with someone she knows well and in a familiar environment. Could a mutually agreed person be present at baby's home while father visits? If he maintains the relationship with his daughter then perhaps as they get to know each other (again) other arrangements can be considered if it is appropriate to the baby's needs, which should be the primary consideration.

As for the bed, his father bought it and maybe the son asked his father to move his stuff - you don't really know what was said to him or why he didn't leave it.
Is there no possiblility of the grandparents having some communication in the interests of the child? Even if the split is permanent, there will always be a connection and it is best if a reasonable arrangement could be worked out for the sake of the child. After all, whether you get on with them or not, they are her family too.

They sound like a young couple and may well reconcile at some stage, so don't burn all your bridges.

Best wishes

nearlyrich

The Panda is speaking a lot of sense, I had years of court with my ex, he didn't believe he should pay maintenance and he thought it was OK to arrange to see the children and then not turn up.

I put up with a lot for the sake of the children now only one has a bit of a relationship with him, his doing, and that relationship is based on seeing him a couple of times a year not every week.

Hope you can get it all sorted out amicably but to be honest a family who are so nasty as to take away a bed from a young mum might not be worth having for your little GD.