How do you get over a miscarriage?

Theonethatneverwas

Ok so I have re registered. September the 18th 2007 I suffered a miscarriage, I was told the baby would have been between 7 and 10 weeks. Which would mean that within the last 2 weeks I would have had another beautiful baby. There was no *date* given as I didn't know I was pregnant again having only recently had a baby (may) and already had a son prior to that. However just recently there are dates niggling at the back of my mind and thoughts about whether the baby would have been a boy or a girl and what would he/she look like etc etc, I feel like I am going mad with my thoughts. I can't talk to people about it as at the time it destroyed both myself and my partner. Talking to him about it is a no go as he doesn't open up very often and it is something that has never been talked about properly. None of my family knew as I didn't want to broadcast the fact that I may have done something wrong ... I know it happens and it obviously wasn't meant to be but something inside me keeps going over that fact that I had done something wrong. I keep looking at both of my children and at all of the baby things I still have kept from both of them (first sleepsuits/vests etc) and also baby pictures of when they were babys, although my daughter stil is a baby herself she is growing up so fast (almost 1) This morning I have sat and watched coronation street (no laughing I like my soaps!) and 2 of the people on there just buried their baby who had died inside her. but just seeing the funeral of a baby just made me sit and cry!

Just wondering if anyone could give me ideas on how to get through this, I know it is something I will never forget, the date sticks in my head and always will as it is a few days after my sons birthday which makes it even harder. There has to be a way I can try and ease the pain and hopefully move on without forgetting the baby or anythig else.
AAny help on this would be gratefully recieved, I am sorry if this upsets anyone on here but hopefully it may also help people.
Thankyou for reading, I am now going to cry into the rest of my box of kleenex mansize.

emsywoo123

Theonethatneverwas, my thoughts are with you.
I think everybody copes differently, in the end, I acknowledged the fact that I would always think of it (oddly, not a great deal on the anniversary of when it happened, just on the day that would have been its birthday) and I set myself a short time on that day to think about it, have a little cry if I need to, and then continue with my day. I found that trying to ignore it was worse, but just acknowleging what had happened helped me.

dizzydolly

things will get better with time ,I lost a baby at 12 weeks ,it would have been 11 this year and theres not a day that I dont think about him (3 clairvoyants told me it was a boy),if you cant talk to your partner there must be someone else you can talk to ,maybe a friend or other relative ,theres nothing they can do but it really helps to let it all out .
as for corrie , I dont think that there would be a mother in the country who didnt well up at the sight of that tiny coffin .
theres no reason why you should forget your baby ,I always shed a few tears on his would have been birthday and on the day I lost him.
lifes for living and your little nipper wouldnt want you to be miserable for ever.
I always think of my little nicky as a little angel ,although if hes anything like my other 3 ,god help them up there lo!.

Threadhead

Never been there myself so no special advice, but my SIL has gone through this very recently, so its close to my heart. (((hugs)))

Bitsy_Beans

I am really sorry to hear about your m/c. I suffered one last year at end of September and baby was nearly 7 weeks. I started to miscarry on my son's 2nd birthday so rather than remembering a due date I will always remember it that way
You shouldn't be ashamed to tell your family. You did nothing wrong and to keep punishing yourself is cruel. You need to be able to grieve openly, keeping it bottled up is not good for you. If you can't discuss it with your partner you need to open up and grieve with someone you trust.

Everyone copes in their own way but it sounds to me like you've avoided dealing with your feelings and they are threatening to overcome you. You could try looking at the Miscarriage Association Website for some professional support. For me I fell pregnant again straight away after the miscarriage so I guess that helped. You don't ever forget but I accepted that for what ever reason that pregnancy wasn't developing properly and my body ended the pregnancy.

I hope you find some peace soon <hug>

Aril

You will but in time. You need to allow yourself to go through a grieving process [I was also very angry at times and I kicked a hole in our gate]. Just make sure you give yourself that time and be kind to yourself. I lost a baby at 3 months and at the time blamed myself. I now know 11 years down the line and one healthy 9yo son later that whatever caused it was almost certainly nothing to do with anything I did/didn't do. The other thing was that I told a few people and was amazed to find just how common an experience it is.
Aril

mrcow

I think firstly, you really need to acknowledge that this was not your fault.

You didn't do anything wrong.

It's a tragedy and so unfair, but attributing any sort of blame to yourself is really not fair.

I've lost two children, one earlier this year, and I don't think I'm ever going to recover from it. I'm still crying on regular basis and just little things can completely stop me in my tracks.

Anyway, a couple of things that I have found helped. One was attending the funeral. It's an acknowlegement of a life and an important part of the grieving process. I understand that you can't do this now, but something else that I did at the time which was muchmore personal and a real comfort (as it was done by my local church) is that I had a blessing read for my son and they named him publically for us. I can assure you that your local vicar should be more than happy to do this. Every life, no matter how short, is precious and sacred. It's never too late to do this.

You can also light a candle for your little one in your local chapel.

Take a read of Pslam 139 if you have a bible. It's a beautiful passage. I have some others which I'll have a look for.

Something else I have done is put together a keepsake box.....it has ultrasound dvds & pictures and the blanket that I held him in. I don't know if you have anything at all, but keeping it together in a special place that you can turn to if needed may help.

Later in the year, I am going to buy my son a balloon and send it to him. I'm going to pick a nice clear day so I can see it going up to him. (No sniping about litter please ).

I'll come back to this thread later on if it's okay, I have more to type, but have to pick my little boy up from school?

Paparika

i lost my baby 10 years ago, but only time will help ease the pain,

You have 2 children already and i should imagine they are happy and healthy and that's all that matters.

Just see it as gods way of saying this one wasn't to be and its job was to be an angel instead.

full-time-mum

I think that miscarriages are more common than we let on. It is just not something we talk about.
If you go back to our parents/grandparents generation, at 7 - 10 weeks, they would only just be beginning to think - oh, maybe I'm pregnant. If they then went on to have a period, then the prevailing attitude would have been, OK, false alarm.
I'm not diminishing your feelings or experience, I'm just putting it into context. These days, we know that we are pregnant almost from the moment of conception. With the improvements in health and medicine, we no longer experience infantile death. As you said yourself, sometimes these things aren't meant to be. There is absolutely no blame, you did nothing wrong.

We have just started researching our family history and it comes as quite a shock to realise just how many children died and how young adults were when they died.

I think that it is only natural to wonder what would have happened if the pregnancy had gone to term and there is no shame at crying over a soap, especially as the storyline is so close to your own experience. I cry over a lot more things now that I have children. It doesn't even have to be my children. Its just one of the things that happens when you become a parent - you see the world with a different perspective. I would also imagine that, similar to any other bereavement, you have got to get through all the firsts. As others have said, find someone who you can talk to - maybe your health visitor next time you take your youngest to the clinic. Maybe the fact that you've put pen to paper (fingers to keyboard) and talked to us about how you feel will be enough for you to start to put it behind you. You aren't ever going to forget but I'm sure that you will accept what's happened eventually. Coming so soon after the birth of your son, you probably never really dealt with the emotions then so the fact that your reaction is so strong now, is hardly surprising. Don't worry about how you are feeling, go with the flow, accept that you need to grieve but just try not to let it get too much for you before seeking help if necessary.

I can't speak from experience, but I would have thought that celebrating the lives of your living children should be of great comfort. Perhaps you could find a way to mark the mis-carriage date. Maybe make a donation every year to a suitable charity, it wouldn't have to be a huge amount, just the conscious decision to help others in a similar situation - that way, you would be remembering but in a positive way.

:grouphug:

*Louise*

Theonethatneverwas wrote: »

Just wondering if anyone could give me ideas on how to get through this, I know it is something I will never forget, the date sticks in my head and always will as it is a few days after my sons birthday which makes it even harder. There has to be a way I can try and ease the pain and hopefully move on without forgetting the baby or anythig else.
AAny help on this would be gratefully recieved, I am sorry if this upsets anyone on here but hopefully it may also help people.

Thankyou for reading, I am now going to cry into the rest of my box of kleenex mansize.

So sorry for your loss

I know what you're going through - I had a stillborn daughter at 5 months in 2004, and had a miscarriage last month at 6 weeks.

It's a difficult thing to get through - you need to allow yourself time to cry and grieve. On the particular date, take time out to remember......light a candle, spend time on your own...cry all you want.

It's not fair, but these things do happen sometimes...as Paparika said, "see it as gods way of saying this one wasn't to be and its job was to be an angel instead." This reminds me of the phrase we had carved on my daughter's headstone:

'A tiny flower, lent not given
To bud on earth and bloom in heaven'

You never get over losing a child....the loss just becomes a little easier to bear over time. And you will NEVER forget either.

(((Hugs)))

butterflylady

Hi,

Firstly please let me say sorry for the losses suffered by everyone who has posted on this thread.

Last October at about 5/6 weeks pregnant I lost my third pregnancy. I lost my first baby 10 years ago this coming July. This baby was not my current partners but he has always been supportive and listerned when I wanted to talk about her.

I got pregnant again in September 2006 with my current partner, I bleed early on, but was lucky to have a successful pregnancy. No one has been able to confirm wether this was a twin pregnancy where I lost one of them. Again I couldn't have had more support and after a long a difficult labour I had a beautiful baby boy in June 2007.

My periods went all haywire after the baby and when they settled, I got pregnant again in September 2007, unfortunately I lost the pregnancy in October. The process of losing this baby has been the worse of all, my SIL got pregnant at the end of August which means that she is now a week or 2 ahead of where I should have been. My OH wont talk about this baby, he wont even acknowledge the fact that I was pregnant.

I hope one day he will acknowledge the baby and that we will talk about her.
Sorry for some unknown reason all my lost babies are girls.