How do you get over a miscarriage?

Theonethatneverwas

*Louise* wrote: »

'A tiny flower, lent not given
To bud on earth and bloom in heaven'



(((Hugs)))

That phrase is so lovely! and has given me an idea, I could plant something and then watch it grow. It may or may not help me move on without forgetting about the baby.

I understand what everyone is saying about blaming myself but as a lot of the replies on here will understand you will all have blamed yourself at some point. I just seem to be so low about it all. I pull myself together on a daily basis but even I feel like I am loosing it and I am snappy and have been for a couple of weeks. whether this is related or not I do not know. I thankyou for all of the replys, and I am so sorry for all of your losses, although the posts have helped me think more about things in a different way, I know miscarriage is common but I guess I always thought it was one of them things which happens to other people and not me, yes very selfish of me I know.

Theonethatneverwas

butterflylady wrote: »

Sorry for some unknown reason all my lost babies are girls.

Hi Butterfly lady, thankyou for your post. A very good friend of mine who I actually had a relationship with a few years ago (older man) has 3 boys and one girl his daughter is the eldest at 21 and her mum was hospitalised from the very start and almost lost her baby at everystage of the pregnancy, since then they have had 12 misarriages and 2 healthy boys, the doctors say that he cannot make girls or rather her can but then something rejects them if that is the right word to use. something to do with chromosones.

rosies_mum

So sorry to hear your sad news. I don't think you will ever get over a miscarriage, like others have said, I think in time you just view it in a different way. I had my mc back in Oct when I would have been 11 weeks. The strange thing was I didn't feel "pregnant" just felt like I had pmt for 11 weeks! I remember saying to mum and MIL that I wondered if it was a phantom pregnancy. I already had 1 dd but put it down to every pregnancy being different. However, I now take comfort from the fact that all was not well and as others have mentioned, it must be Gods way. I felt guilty for weeks, sobbed my heart out reading other m/c forums on other "baby" websites, it was almost like some weird obsession to know I wasn't "abnormal". I think too that it is something that is not talked about enough. Its not until I told people about mine that many others told me of their friends who had also been through it that it made me realise (sadly) how common it is. My dh has hardly told anyone to this day outside the family, for awhile I thought he was ashamed of me, but he is just a private person.
My baby would have been due within the last week or so but thankfully I'm blessed to have had a successful 12 week scan today so can concentrate on this one for now. I will, however, never forget!

Please do not think you are alone or to blame, although I never sought advice from them personally, it may be helpful for you to approach the Miscarriage Association.

All the best, thinking of you x

mrcow

Just wantedwanted to add something else to this thread.

The lovely Looby75 posted this poem to me when I lost my son this year. It's quite emotional so it took me about five attempt to read it at the time, but it contains some words that I carry in my heart and I know to be very true (I've highlighted them - towards the end of the poem).

I thought of you all, I closed my eyes
and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
and I know I heard him say,

"A Mother has a baby.
This we know is true."
But God can you be a Mother
when your baby's not with you?

"Yes you can!" He replied
with confidence in His voice,
"I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice."

"Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

"I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say.."

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here."

"I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who has so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quick
My Mommy set me free."

"I miss My Mommy oh so much
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
on her pillow's where I lay."

"I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."

"So you see my dear sweet one,
your children are OK.
Your babies are here in my home
and this is where they'll stay."

"They'll wait for you with me
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you."

"So now you see what makes a Mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
right from the very start."

"Though some on earth may not realize
that you are a Mother until there time is done
They'll be up here with me one day
and know you're the best one."

Theonethatneverwas

MrCow that is so lovely, although trying to read it with tears welling up and streaming down my face is nigh on impossible. I took the advice of some people on this thread and tried to talk to my other half about it on the phone tonight, (he works away during the week) his response was to moan about him being cold having been out with the lads from work. Stupidly I asked him if he had heard what I had said and his response was yes but it isn't going to stop me being cold is it .... so now I feel like I have moved one step forward and 150 steps back I know people deal with things in different ways but I dont understand why he just ignores it. So now I feel like I am best to just stay in my nice safe shell where no ones comments can hurt me.

I have had several lovely pms from people for which I thankyou for all of your kind words and help. I have decided I am going to plant a flower, with my eldest son and then we can watch it grown together, but with me knowing the real reason behind planting it.

candygirl

I lost a baby at 12 weeks , it would have been 19 last week.I was devastated at the time, and it contributed to the break up of my first marriage as I was so depressed and he didn't care:(
I have also had a few clairvoyants telling me theres a little boy waiting for me in spirit, wiv my nana.It actually comforts me to hear this, and time really is a great healer hun xxx

Bitsy_Beans

Is there anyone other than your OH you can at least talk to. For whatever reason he doesn't want to talk about it but you clearly need to.
the idea of a plant sounds lovely.

mrcow your poem has made me cry!

*Louise*

Theonethatneverwas wrote: »

That phrase is so lovely! and has given me an idea, I could plant something and then watch it grow. It may or may not help me move on without forgetting about the baby.

I think that's a lovely idea.

It will hopefully help a little to have a small memorial which can be your special place for remembering your baby.


Mrcow - that poem is beautiful and made me cry. Thank you for posting it.

Savvy_Sue

Theonethatneverwas wrote: »

I know people deal with things in different ways but I dont understand why he just ignores it. So now I feel like I am best to just stay in my nice safe shell where no ones comments can hurt me.

He ignores it because he can't cope with it. He probably doesn't want to make you feel worse, but honestly doesn't know how to make you feel better. And he almost certainly didn't want to talk about it on the phone, in case either of you broke down and the other wasn't there to offer comfort.

Mind you, he may be one of those chaps who doesn't know how to comfort you when he IS there, and stomps off to make a cup of tea.

Several people have mentioned the Miscarriage Association. There's a link for you. You may find your local NCT has a miscarriage support group, too. Chat to your HV: I wonder if you're a tad depressed and she may be able to suggest support strategies.

Off to find a tissue: please don't be depressed if I say that you may never completely get over this! I find it helps to be honest with myself. I don't often grieve the baby I lost, but on nights like tonight, I do, and there's no point pretending I'm not.

zoelouise88

i really do not have any advice but would like you to know my thoughts are with you and your family. x