How do you get over a miscarriage?

FunkyMummy_2

Time is the greatest healer of all. After having 3 very successful pregnancies I then suffered 3 m/c's. I found that naming each one of my babies helped and I also bought a plant that reminded me each time I saw it. It sounds really lame but it helped me and my husband.
Luckily now we went on to have our much longed for child. He is nearly one. As much as I grieve for and never stop thinking of my lost babies in a weird way if they had survived I wouldn't have this bundle of energy who storms round my home like a bull in a china shop!
Time will help and support from others. Maybe some counselling could help too? You can't blame yourself in this. I blamed myself ALL the time. It was only through counselling that I got over this longing of wanting to 'blame'

misty

Where I live (Blackpool) we have a bereavement counsiller attached to hospital who particularly specialises in helping woman and men who have lost a baby through miscarriage, cot death etc. I didn't speak to her after my first miscarriage but did after my second. Do they have anything like that at your hospital?

She also each year arranges at the Winter Garden a remembrance service for parents who have lost a child through miscarriage etc this is attended by people who have lost children recently or 50 years ago. I think part of the grieving process is being able to grieve - to have your loss recognised. I was lucky my ex partner (despite his many flaws!) did listen to me talk on and on endlessly round and round more so than was probably healthy but it was needed at the time. Maybe your partner cope with the loss or maybe he doesn't feel it in the same way and that's ok but you need to be able to speak to someone if that's what you need.

Also some cemeteries have a garden of remembrance where you can go and leave flowers or just sit. I think with a miscarriage you are left with nothing not even a grave or a photo and sometimes not even a scan pic - having somewhere to go specifically that recognises that this is a loss, can help you cope with your loss.

fiddling_flower_petals

Theonethatneverwas wrote: »

That phrase is so lovely! and has given me an idea, I could plant something and then watch it grow. It may or may not help me move on without forgetting about the baby.

Hi TOTNW,

Firstly big hugs to you, you're emotions are very fragile following miscarriage, please try not to be too hard on yourself, just take each day as it comes.

I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks in 2003, following 5 long years of trying to concieve, fertility investigations and infertility. We were completely devastated when we lost our baby, and slowly gathered ourselves in the following months.

We decided to remember our LO with a flowering plum blossom tree in our garden, which flowers around the time our baby would of been born. I buried a personal letter to my unborn child with the tree, which may seem very strange to some, but was very therapeutic in the grieving process.

We considered ourselves very luck to go on and have two children, which did ease the sadness but rarely a day goes without thinking of my unborn baby.

Please feel free to PM

Love

Kate

hodgan

Hi, I have had a miscarriage 6 years ago.........may 21st.......this is a day which I can't seem to get over even though it has now been 6 years. I was married for 4 years and had almost given up ever getting pregnant, then one fine day I was pregnant......with twins.......a boy and a girl. They were all I could have ever wanted! I was happy but for a very short time. I started bleeing after just 1 week of discovering that I was pregnant. I had to spend 5 weeks in bed to try and save my babies. I was hospitalized 3 times......nonetheless......on my last hospital stay.......I went into labour....at just 10 weeks pregnancy......they were the longest 2 hours of my life, the pain was excruciating, not because it was labour pain, but because it only meant that I was loosing my babies! And I did.....I miscarried my babies and all I had was a 2 minute peak at the sac that actually contained my babies. I was blown away and went into a deep depression right away and today I regret not asking the doctor to cremate my babies and let me keep them. Funny enough my marriage ended just 4 months after that happened. My family never understood the pain I went through and the emptiness I still feel till today. I had it all after 4 painful years of trying to get pregnant and I lost it all in just 10 weeks. I have now re married but I never got pregnant again. I don't know if I ever will since I am now 33 years.....a baby is all I ever wanted and now......I have big doubts that I will ever be a mother again...... I spend May 21st every year on my own looking at the last ultrasound I have and crying.......it helps me get over the coming year and on December 6th......when the babies were due.......I do the same......some might think I am crazy but 2 days a year dedicated wholly to the 2 most important people in my life........that's not too much is it? I am sorry to say that the pain didn't ease at all......even if 6 years have gone by!

Sorry for all your losses........you are not alone and it is normal very normal to still feel the pain.....even after so long........they will always be our babies.......no matter what others may say!

mrcow

hodgan wrote: »

I was blown away and went into a deep depression right away and today I regret not asking the doctore to incenerate my babies and let me keep them.

I will delete this post if it's too much for anyone on here, but I have first hand experience of this and just wanted to say say something.

This regret that you have is not something that you need to carry with you. Babies at this age when cremated do no leave any ashes at all as their bodies are so small and fragile. There is nothing physical to keep, or to scatter.

What you do keep is already with you......right in your heart.Your babies spent their entire lives as close to your heart as possible, the very last thing they would have heard is the beating heart of their loving mother.......and that is where they'll stay for eternity.

full-time-mum

Floxxie wrote: »

I've had 4 miscarriages - 1st and second trimestre and each one has been devastating. I can't agree with the person who says that our ancestors would have just have thought they had a late period! Miscarriage is a painful process, both physically and mentally and although it is apparently very common, I only know of one other person who has gone through it.

I wasn't suggesting that having a miscarriage wasn't an awful situation to be in nor was I trying to diminish the pain and upset that they cause. I wouldn't wish a miscarriage on anyone. My heart goes out to you all.

I've been fortunate not to have miscarried but I do know what its like to see that blue line refuse to appear month after month after month. I was also in the position where I desparately wanted a second child but was ill and had to put my life on hold, when my SIL announced her. I cried solidly for a week and, boy did I feel guilty for hating her - I was still happy for her in my head but my emotions just got the better. Not quite the same, I know, but I was grieving the pregnancy I so desparately wanted whilst she just got on with her life.

I was merely observing that we live in a society where medical advances have led to better life expectancy and lower infant mortality. By eight weeks most women have been aware that they a definitely pregnant and have had getting on for 6 weeks to bond with the idea - this can only increase the trauma.


[quote=Floxxie;11071211I only know of one other person who has gone through it.
[/quote]
You have hit the nail on the head. Our grandparents generation and before were much more tightly knit families and communities. A women would have been a lot more likely to get emotional and practical help from her neighbours. I don't believe that death was such a taboo subject.

I imagine that it would have helped to have been able to share your emotions with others that knew exactly how you felt.

There are a lot of people who don't know what to say when someone has lost a baby. I have heard of people crossing the road to avoid confronting a friend who is recently bereaved.

I was talking to a friend the other day about this very subject. She miscarried at a time when both her sisters were expecting. They would have all had babies around the same time. She said there was only one person who asked her directly how she felt towards her sisters situation and nobody addressed her feelings when the other babies were subsequently born. One of her sisters didn't even visit her after her miscarriage because she didn't know how to handle it.

mrcow

full-time-mum wrote: »

You have hit the nail on the head. Our grandparents generation and before were much more tightly knit families and communities. A women wuld have been a lot more likely to get emotional and practical help from her neighbours. I don't believe that death was such a taboo subject.

Actually I don't think much has changed at all over the years. It's pretty much always been a taboo subject as you'll be told by anyone older who has suffered as such. It can feel like you are the only one who has ever been through it and even the thought of someone asking you how you are or saying something caring about it, even months later can send you into floods of tears.

I'm never going to get over mine.....no matter what support I get from my neighbours I don't think I will ever be the same again. I do however have the memory of holding my son and telling him that I love him. I'm lucky that I had the chance to say goodbye and will hold that memory in my heart for all my days. Many here didn't even have that.

I think that there has been some quite good practical information on ways to help get your head around what's happened earlier on in the thread and I hope that it's been of help.

People seem to expect you to pick yourself up and get on with things as if nothing has happened.......some even have the downright rudeness to suggest that you can try again for another baby! As with any death, time will change things and I hope that acceptance will come eventually. Until then, all you can do is take care of yourself and be gentle with the precious memories that you have. Guilt and anger can so easily overpower your emotions at times and it's at these times where you need to pour things out a little, be it on here, to a friend or to your family.