How do you get over a miscarriage?

Paparika

Theonethatneverwas wrote: »

Hi Butterfly lady, thankyou for your post. A very good friend of mine who I actually had a relationship with a few years ago (older man) has 3 boys and one girl his daughter is the eldest at 21 and her mum was hospitalised from the very start and almost lost her baby at everystage of the pregnancy, since then they have had 12 misarriages and 2 healthy boys, the doctors say that he cannot make girls or rather her can but then something rejects them if that is the right word to use. something to do with chromosones.

Same with me i can only carry boys, i have rhesus O neg blood, my body will reject the baby if it's female, after a birth or miscarriage i have to have an anti D injection.

Ishtar

Just to let you know I'm thinking of you.

In January this year we lost our son when I was 18 weeks pregnant. Nothing ever prepares you for it and how you cope afterwards is a deeply personal thing. I honestly thought I'd got over it until we recently went through the photographs to put them in an album...brought it all back to me and I'm now dealing with feelings that I had perhaps put to one side. I suppose it only takes one trigger to start the grieving process again.

I found the SANDS website very useful in helping me come to terms with my loss. We also had a referral to a counsellor which was helpful - although we only had one session.

You will always remember when your baby would have been due and what you are feeling isn't wrong in any way. Be gentle on yourself.

Take care
D.

Diamond78

Sorry for your loss. My pregnancy ended in the early stages. Everyone deals with it in their own way and in stages. Time is a great healer. I hope you have lots of support from people around you. Hugs xx

full-time-mum

Paparika wrote: »

Same with me i can only carry boys, i have rhesus O neg blood, my body will reject the baby if it's female, after a birth or miscarriage i have to have an anti D injection.

Being rhesus negative is not the reason your body is rejecting a female feotus. Maybe it is just co-incidence that all the female babies you have carried have been +ve and all the male ones have been -ve.

Without the anti-D injections, following a rhesus positive baby, you would build up anti-bodies to the +ve blood element and would subsequently reject a rhesus positive baby - male or female.

If you are rhesus -ve, then you should have an anti D injection following a birth, miscarriage, mid-term bleeding, amnio - basically at any point that there is a chance that your blood and the baby's blood could have mixed.

I am also rhesus o neg and have 2 healthy rhesus positive girls.

Diamond78

I had to have the anti d injection, I never understood what it ment to be rhesus negative after the birth of my son. Does it mean there is something wrong with our blood? Is my sons blood ok?Sorry for the questions. Im a bit slow and find it difficult understanding things. My m/c was after my son was born but I dont think it was anything to do with my blood group.

rosie-lee

After losing a baby at 10 weeks, things were very difficult between my partner and me, he was unable to comprehend how upset I was and his attitude was very much, that it was just meant to be and there was no point moping and we should just get on with things.

I was given some very sound advice from a friend and once I had digested it, I saw things differently and things are great between partner and me again.

She explained that for many men, the first trimester may be very exciting but the baby doesn't seem real. When it goes away, its like losing something you had looked forward to but not much else. They haven't seen it, felt it and have not experienced any physical or hormonal changes. It is therefore unrealistic to expect them to feel the same way as a woman. One I got my head around the fact that the experience of the first few weeks was inevitably very different for us both, I was able to understand that we had both experienced the same situation differently and I should not just expect him to be able to empathise with me. This is only something another woman can really understand. I stopped trying to speak to him about it and when I needed someone to talk to, I spoke to other woman who had been through the same thing and drew support from them.

In time, I was able to appreciate that his way got me up and running again, so to speak, and my friends were there for the down days, which he couldn't understand.

Don't know if anyone else or the OP will be able to relate to this, but posted anyway in case it helps anyone.

I am so sorry for your loss x

Pooky23

Ten years ago I lost a baby at 8 weeks. It was a "missed miscarriage" wherby the baby died and the loss was not discovered until the 12 week scan when it was clear that there was no heartbeat. I had a D&C to remove the baby.

For me, the only way to come to terms with this miscarriage was to become pregnant again, so as soon as I was physically able I was trying to concieve. It took 5 months which at the time seemed like an eternity. I now have a son and two years later a daughter.

I still think of those dark days ten years ago, but less so now. The pain at the time was almost unbearable. I think mostly it was the realisation of all the exciting plans I'd made that would no longer be happening. I felt like I would never being to carry a baby to term. Now when I think about what might have been, I think that if I had had that baby, I wouldn't have the two gorgeous children I have now, that my life would have been different.

Talking to someone at the miscarriage association helped me enormously and they sent me some leaflets which explained it was not my fault. Well meaning people said to me "It was natures way" or "you can always have another". At the time I wanted to wallop them. It may have been natures way, I'll never know, but honestly, time is the best healer and it will get easier to deal with as time goes by.

I do hope that you are able, with time, to come to terms with your loss. There are many women who have suffered a miscarriage who will share their experience with you, so you are not alone. I wish you well.

PinkLady

So sorry to hear this.

the same thing happened to me - in fact virtually the same situation as Pooky's above - but mine was not that long ago.

DH did not seem to understand why I was so upset.

Time does help.

I phoned the Miscarriage Association and they put me in touch with a support group in my area and that helped me no end.

Sending you hugs

xx

ScotTot

Hi,

I think everyone has different ways of coping with this - I've had 4 miscarriages now, all of them around the 7-8 weeks stage. From my own experience, when you miscarry so early, there's a perception by some people that it wasn't a 'proper baby yet' - but I'm sure we all know how much dreaming we can fit into the space between the thin blue line and the bad news. So it can feel that your grief isn't being acknowledged, when often people just don't know what to say to make you feel better - and honestly, there is no magic wand they can wave to make it all OK! It's a black time and how you cope is really down to you - if you're the sort who likes to keep busy (and with 2 kids, you probably don't have much option!) then go for it - if you sometimes need to shut yourself in the loo and wail at the moon, then don't feel guilty - it's a coping mechanism too!

So all in all, no magic words of advice really - just don't blame yourself, as other posters say, and know you can always vent here (thank goodness!)

Oh, and do all you can to protect yourself (had to be a bit stiff upper lip today when a colleague announced her pregnancy, so definitely deserve some chocolate on the way home!)

All the best,

ScotTot

Carmina_Piranha_3

ooops i'm crying at mrcow's poem.

my missed miscarriage was 2 years ago and last week i was embarrassed to find myself crying about it. subconsciously i must have realised it was 2 years ago that i lost the baby. i feel as if i ought to be over it by now - everyone else certainly is. but perhaps one of the problems with early miscarriage is that the baby isn't really acknowledged. there isn't a funeral and many people don't seem to understand how much you have imagined this child and already bonded with it. as scottot says you've done a lot of dreaming by then.

you shouldn't worry that you did something wrong. early pregnancy is fragile and one in 5 ends in miscarriage before 12 weeks (i think?). the sonographer told me that almost 1 in 5 women go to their 12 week scan not realising that the baby was not there, or there but not living.

i'd seen a TV programme about IVF and it went into details i hadn't thought about, such as the chromosomes in the embryo. one lady was having IVF but her embryos all had problems at chromosome level and although she often got pregnant she always miscarried because there were chromosome abnormalities. i thought of my lost baby in that way, that there had maybe been some kind of problem that prevented the pregnancy from continuing.

although my husband is lovely i do feel as if he is fine about the miscarriage and doesn't understand how upset i was. he's a practical person and was probably relieved that i didn't have another baby to cope with in the midst of the postnatal depression i was suffering from at the time. i don't think he thought of the baby as a person, not at that point. sometimes i feel angry that he doesn't seem to care, or even think about it but he doesn't mean to be unsympathetic.

like yours saying that talking about it is not going to stop him feeling cold is how my husband is. as far as he sees it it happened, it can't be undone so there's no point dwelling on it :rolleyes: