May - living on fresh air challenge...

carlislelass

If you get housing or council tax benefit try PDSA

RAS

ACEY

Definately recommend the PDSA given your circumstances.

With respect to the counsellor, what matters most is that you feel totally comfortable with the person. My own experience was that straight counselling left me wallowing in stuff but psychotherapies helped me move on. There did not seem to be a lot of difference between the effectiveness of different therapies.

I have to say I think you are brave doing it with kids around because they were times when I would have struggled to care for children and cope with my own stuff.

Frith

Its been a while since I've written here!

STILL not wrecked the new relationship, he must be made of tough stuff! He is also the first and only person unfortunate enough to actually see me going through a ptsd "crisis" (shaking, crying, pacing up and down etc) but he survived! I think its all going rather well :-)

Money still a bit pants, not overdrawn though and trying to save towards Christmas. STILL nothing from the CSA, have been waiting since Jan 2008. My MP has just written to them again, I have written to the Chief Executive and just this morning wrote to the Independent Case Examiner. It was writing to them that prompted me to come on here and update.

Car continues and nothing has fallen off the house so that's good. Have re-housed one kitten and Ginger really must go too.

Bills haven't risen much, have only had one storage heater on very low upstairs and have managed with logs this far.

What else... big son is moving from Beavers to cubs soon. Little son is on the waiting list for Beavers and is still at gymnastics. He is not really thriving at school and the best guess at the moment remains dyspraxia. My brother has this and I have thought for a long time that little son shows many of the signs. Its all hotting up at school, he's seen the SENCo a couple of times and is off to see the occupational therapist soon to see if he can strenghten his hands enough to hold a pencil properly. His swearing and general overactivity are the same as ever...

One nasty blow is that the ex is taking me back to court AGAIN. He wants more contact in the holidays. I have shed a few tears over that, fear more than anything, especially when I received the court paperwork then the letter detailing my appointment with the dreaded Cafcass.

Oh well, its half term next week. Boys are with their father Sat-Tue then we'll do interesting things the rest of the time. We're going to a Hallowe'en party in the village hall and a friend's bonfire party :-)

And on Tuesday, I go to my first session of counselling....

Liz

Frith

Money... The Abbey have been taking only the interest on my 2nd mortgage by direct debit (around £100 per month) and a variation of housing benefit has paid the interest on my 1st mortgage. The actual repayment bit is going unpaid...

Anyway, the DHS for some reason paid Abbey late. So Abbey helped themselves to it from my account! Suddenly having £300 disappear rather than £100 has really messed things up including going overdrawn and having 2 other direct debits (Severn Trent water and the TV licence) be returned.

Its all going to take a bit of sorting out :-(

Apart from that, Cafcass is over and done with and I was met with the usual blank incomprehension and indifference. Everything between my sons and the ex is lovely, which was news to me. Off to court next week. He is asking for more contact (again).

My MP received a reply from the CSA saying they had lost all the paperwork on me so they are starting from scratch again. Not had a payment for 11 months now.

Counselling is a bit grim.

Sons are OK!

RAS

Nice to hear from you.

Missed the last post as I have not been on here much - or rather have been logged on but doing the responses in between other things.

I know what you mean about the contact situation. Unfortunately you have another 12 years of haressment to come because your ex will never be happy with the arrangments.

Regarding the kids, has the Cafcass person spoken to the kids or just to you and ex? It may be that the boys are OK about the contact as they have very little experience of anything else?

However, I remain totally amazed at how blind the court officers are to things; I had full blown wobblies in front of court officers and a judge and my father's solicitors blamed it on my mother winding me up. Surely someone might have worked out that the thing that happened immediately prior to my wobbly was a suggestion that I met my father?

It was only 15 years ago that I realised that it was straight forward PSTD. DB is still affected; if I was to mention certain events he would start throwing himself around, shouting, swearing and hands-waving. He has no recall and cannot cope with any trigger that might result in it. Although it relates to me, he was there. i have decided it is best to leave it alone, as I have pretty much sorted myself out, or been sorted out. Wish I had done it twenty years earlier.

Really glad I did as i would not have coped with the attack if I had still got the old stuff knocking about. Got low level PSTD after that, but saw someone with the things I could predict would set me off. I now realise that there are occasions when I may still react but that the triggers are not predictable, so I cannot pre-empt the situation. It is a normal response to an abnormal experience. As one of my teachers said, "Homo sapiens are hard-wired to panic; the cave man who heard a twig snap anf thought "OO bunny rabbit" did not get to pass on his genes.

I have learned to recognise when I have fallen off my stool and to acknowledge that that is what has happened and Even if I do not immediately know what the past event was, if I fix up a session, it usually comes to me by the time I get there.

I no longer use counselling, as I found that I went round and round in circles and get really upset. I found someone who had a range of psycho-therapeutic skills and she can often help me out in a couple of sessions. Having said that, still have some evasive strategies in place which I have not done anything about because they are not immediate problems. Ho Hum.

well done to the mystery man of being resonable about the crisis. If he is gong to stick around, he needs to know that can happen and is is normal.

Frith

Well, its nearly Christmas!

Finances - not TOO bad, had some money from my Grandma which more than covered Christmas present buying and festivities :-) I'm expecting £75 from Quidco which will be very welcome.

CSA - I went to the Independant Case Examiner and they've been really thorough and quick. The CSA now have 8 weeks in which to sort things out. They are going to give me a statement back to 2005. The ex now owes so much they are going to take 40% of his wages rather than 20%! The CSA also has to pay me a fine for their silliness.

Counselling - she's not capable of dealing with my problems so is continuing to help me out and I've been referred to a clinical psychologist again. Hopefully they'll sort it for me this time round.

The ex - he has moved in a very odd woman with 2 children in care. Because of the risk to my children, he is no longer allowed contact. Well... he would be allowed contact if she was not in the house, but the children went round and she WAS there. Obvious, there was a lot of lying about that but now contact has ceased save half an hour on Christmas Day when he will have to see the boys at my parent's house.

Think that's about it! All well otherwise and I would like to wish Merry Christmas to all readers :-)

Liz

P.S New bloke still coping! Its been over 6 months now.

RAS

ACEY

Lovely to here from you. Am about to log off for Christmas, so this will be brief.

So glad that things are beginning to happen with the CSA. About time.

And the situation regarding access seems to be slowly sorting itself out. I think that the pendulum is beginning to swing back from the Access at all costs approach after some of the recent cases. I assume that ex will be better behaved at your parents? And there are more adult witnesses?

I hope you and the family have a great time. As for the bloke, maybe he is coping because he likes you?

I am not surprised the cousellor is struggling. May send you a contact privately. One of the most skilled people in the world when it comes to PTSD. Will see if I can find any links.

happy Christmas to you, the boys and your family.

Frith

Hello, readers!

Well, the ex has not seen the boys for 4 weeks today (apart from half an hour on Christmas Day). Nothing has been seen of him. No word from his solicitors. Previously, I would have heard from his solicitors within days (even hours!) It is like he has disappeared from the face of the earth. Its really quite creepy.

Of course, the longer it goes on, the less caring he looks which will stand ME in good stead if he tries to pull any stunts in the future...

I've just been organising Valentine's Day. The first I have had to celebrate in many years. I had always taken my sons to tea at Ikea before, to delibarately avoid it!

Not much else to report. The CSA must have about 4 weeks left to sort my case out (the Independant Case Examiner gave them 8 weeks, but that was ages ago). They are sending someone round to the ex's work to demand to know what he is earning.

My mortgage company took too much mortgage off me 2 months ago and made me go overdrawn so 2 direct debits bounced - £60 of charges. I wrote to the mortgage company but they weren't interested. (They did refund the £200 they had taken in error). So I wrote to my bank and they have refunded all the charges which is great as it was not their fault.

Its all a bit hand to mouth finance wise but I'm up to date with bills, sons' clubs and school shoes! Waiting for £75 from Quidco. The car passed its MOT - its 16!!!

Logs have gone very expensive and I'm burning loads at the mo. I can't remember it being below zero for so long before. Last night both neighbours fences blew down in my garden!

Big son has moved on to cubs, little son is still not progressing at all at school so I have been chasing up the Occupational Therapy and SALT appointments for him.

Think that's all for now!

Liz

gratefulforhelp_2

God bless you Acey.
Let's hope the ex stays out of your face and CSA get in his!

Frith

It'll be 5 weeks tomorrow since the ex had contact with my sons. Yesterday I got a solicitor's letter. Nothing has been resolved (no information about the odd woman), he doesn't want supervised contact in the meantime to see his sons. Nope, as usual, he's taking me back to court. He must like it there!

No word from the CSA...