Wife May Want Another Child - I Don't

Lunar_Eclipse

arealhighlander wrote: »

Get the snip. Its YOUR choice if you dont want any more. Same way as women bang on about its their choice to keep a kid. Even if she dod go on the pill you couldnt trust her to "accidentaly" get pregnant.

You are not stopping her having children, she could still have them, just not with you. That would be HER choice.

That is such a selfish opinion and one that totally undermines the sanctity of marriage. Going ahead with a vasectomy on this basis shows a complete lack of love and respect for the marital spouse.

To be clear, I agree he has a right to no more children just as she has the right to more if she wants them, but it is not as simple as saying 'go off and get the snip' and accept your marriage may end because of it. What kind of attitude is that? Marriage is about compromise and for all we know the OP may rather have another child than a divorce. Who knows.

ChasingButterflies

whitewing wrote: »

I would say maybe go ahead with the vasectomy after looking into what it would take to have it reversed if necessary. Decide on a %age rate of success. So say, 80% success rate for reversal in future; okay to go ahead now, maybe.

Costs for reversal are approx 2k as long as you not require an overnight stay. Although our GP did offer us an NHS reversal as he had given DH the referral for the vasectomy (perhaps thinking that the hospital would require some sort of "consent" from me) All the hospital cared about was if you had the money to pay :rolleyes: I think he kinda felt that there was a slip up in procedure somewhere as the NHS do not normally offer reversals.

% are all over the place tbh and you can't factor in how fertile couples were to start with. Then there is the unexpected - for instance a tube being damage during the reversal procedure.

Clive_Woody

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

That is such a selfish opinion and one that totally undermines the sanctity of marriage. Going ahead with a vasectomy on this basis shows a complete lack of love and respect for the marital spouse.

To be clear, I agree he has a right to no more children just as she has the right to more if she wants them, but it is not as simple as saying 'go off and get the snip' and accept your marriage may end because of it. What kind of attitude is that? Marriage is about compromise and for all we know the OP may rather have another child than a divorce. Who knows.

Nonsense. If a woman elected to keep a baby or have an abortion that is her right alone to do with her body as she sees fit. As far as I am aware men also have this same right, what he chooses to do with his body is ultimately his decision. If his wife cannot respect his decision then she should really think about how much she really loves and respects him. Emotional blackmail is an all common tool used by the 'fairer' sex and if this gentleman has been upfront and clear about his intentions from the start and she has agreed with these then she has only herself to blame if she suddenly changes her mind and wants something different. She can hardly expect him to pander to her every wim, she has been unwell, but that should not be used as leverage to force him to do something he clearly does not want to do.

Lunar_Eclipse

EMcG wrote: »

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. We have a lovely 2 year old son.

What a dilemna. I echo the other posters about your wife not being in a good state of mind to face potentially life changing decisions such as your vasectomy.

You have not changed your mind about having more than one child. Your wife hasn't necessarily either, it sounds more that she is confused and may have been let down by her experience of parenting/childbirth. Or maybe she has changed her mind? I can't contemplate how awful it must be to have PND for 2 years and have attempted multiple suicide attempts. She would no doubt be scared to death at the prospect of going through it again as well by the way. But it won't be helpful talking about the relationship ending if this isn't resolved in the way that you would like.

So I would talk to your wife some more. Discuss how you have both found the experience so far. Has it been what was expected and what good and not so good things have happened/been felt as a result of your son being born. How does it feel to be a family. And then how you both felt before having children (about only having one), your reasons (are they still valid?) and how you feel now. Does your wife think her family is complete? Does she really want another child? I think if you are both honest and talk everything through together, you will find an agreeable outcome.

But I wouldn't go ahead with the vasectomy until this occurs. I'm guessing that you'll have to wait c. 18 months anyhow so you could go for your preliminery chat.

And so that leaves contraception. In her shoes, I wouldn't put any additional (contraceptive) medicines into my body. In fact, having taken care of the contraceptive side of our relationship until having our children, I then decided it was OH's turn. Something to do with having done/taken enough physically, in case that helps explain how one might feel. So I would consider something like Persona. Or condoms I guess. Or abstinence.

Good luck. You sound really caring.

pboae

Why not just go to the counselling session? It sounds like you could really do with someone to talk to about it all, and that's what the counselling session is for.

Lunar_Eclipse

Clive_Woody wrote: »

Nonsense. If a woman elected to keep a baby or have an abortion that is her right alone to do with her body as she sees fit. As far as I am aware men also have this same right, what he chooses to do with his body is ultimately his decision. If his wife cannot respect his decision then she should really think about how much she really loves and respects him. Emotional blackmail is an all common tool used by the 'fairer' sex and if this gentleman has been upfront and clear about his intentions from the start and she has agreed with these then she has only herself to blame if she suddenly changes her mind and wants something different. She can hardly expect him to pander to her every wim, she has been unwell, but that should not be used as leverage to force him to do something he clearly does not want to do.

Sorry, I think that's utter rubbish. If you bothered to read my post, I said that they have equal rights. Thus a married woman would be subject to the same unwritten rules about respect and compromise as a man. However, you make a very valid point that it is the woman that carries the child (and usually keeps the child if the relationship breaks down - let's not forget that if we want to be sensationalist!)

You are right that a man can choose what to do with his body. So if he doesn't want to get a woman pregnant, he knows how to avoid it! Once a woman is pregnant, there is a living creature growing inside her body. She is bound to feel more 'attachment' and emotional about it than a man, by this single fact alone. Perhaps this is what you are getting at by mentioning emotional blackmail?

Re: the OP. You are right that he has not changed his mind. And maybe his wife has. Presumably you wouldn't take issue to that change if it suited him? So let's not get hung up on the fact that one partner may have changed their mind. People change their minds about things all the time. In some ways I think it is a miracle that the OP's wife would consider more children given her past experience.

Don't tar all women with the same brush.

aliasojo

Apart from the depression...you could have been describing me.

I didn't want any more children and nor did my OH so he was referred for a vasectomy. As the date approached, I began to get more and more uneasy and the 3 days immediately before the date I spent in floods of tears. I tried everything to make him change his mind and I honestly thought I would leave him if he went through with it. I cant explain how bad the feelings of hopelessness and sadness and anxiety were that I suffered from and I have absolutely no idea why.

Anyway....OH went ahead with the vasectomy and within a week I was delighted about it.

I cant explain my extreme reaction, it doesn't even make sense to me all I know is how I felt.

I dont know if your wife is affected similarly or not but talk to her and ask her feelings could possibly be of a 'panic reaction' type as mine were or if they are a serious deeper nature.

Clive_Woody

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

Sorry, I think that's utter rubbish. If you bothered to read my post, I said that they have equal rights. Thus a married woman would be subject to the same unwritten rules about respect and compromise as a man. However, you make a very valid point that it is the woman that carries the child (and usually keeps the child if the relationship breaks down - let's not forget that if we want to be sensationalist!)

You are right that a man can choose what to do with his body. So if he doesn't want to get a woman pregnant, he knows how to avoid it! Once a woman is pregnant, there is a living creature growing inside her body. She is bound to feel more 'attachment' and emotional about it than a man, by this single fact alone. Perhaps this is what you are getting at by mentioning emotional blackmail?

I did read your post thanks and I thought it was utter nonsense, pretty similar to your next one. There really is no need to be rude.

Clearly you have issues and seem to think that men's rights should take second place to the demands of their wives. It really is a sad state that people have attitudes like yours. This gentleman asked for advice, not a rant from the Girls Club.

He has every right to do what he wants with his body and if his wife had any respect or love for him she would support him with this choice. He was upfront and honest with her from the start

Re: the OP. You are right that he has not changed his mind. And maybe his wife has. Presumably you wouldn't take issue to that change if it suited him? So let's not get hung up on the fact that one partner may have changed their mind. People change their minds about things all the time. In some ways I think it is a miracle that the OP's wife would consider more children given her past experience.

Don't tar all women with the same brush.

I am sorry but now you are just being silly. This isn't a boys against girls thing so please grow up a bit and stop making silly accusations. I would not support the OP if he changed his mind just because it suited him. The OP was very open and now he is being forced into a corner with unreasonable demands, this is why I do support him. He has the right to chose what he does with his body, surely you understand this?

Lunar_Eclipse

Clive_Woody wrote: »

This isn't a boys against girls thing so please grow up a bit and stop making silly accusations. /quote]


Well clearly you think it is. I have (only) spoken of equal rights not husbands rights being second to their wives. Why is it such a sad state of affairs that people 'like me' believe in equal rights? I haven't been rude (unless 'utter rubbish' in reply to your 'nonsense' counts). Or made any accusations.

What advice have you offered the OP exactly? Or do you have an alter ego on this thread perhaps?

Ha ha, good wind up. Now please leave me alone and go and pick on someone else.

chorlton

After our first child we had a real tough time - my wife was injured during the birth and as a consequence was in pain for the best part of 2 years - and perhaps unsurprisingly developed PND. On top of that our son was a bad sleeper (to put it mildly!) and for the first couple of years were lucky to get 4 hours sleep per night.

We both agreed there was no way we could manage a second child and I very much adopted and was happy with the mindset that we'd be a one child family.

But... 3 years down the line the sleepless nights were behind us, depression was under control, and nature being what it is we let our guard down and nine months later our daughter came along.

I was incredibly apprehensive but everything has worked out great. My wife stopped taking medication for the depression when she found out she was pregnant - against docs advice but she was absolutely determined, and there has been no recurrance.

Now we have 2 kids, i cannot imagine life without either, none of my fears about finance, time, not having emotional capacity etc came true.

So what I'd say is that you should maybe think about giving it another year or two before getting the snip. A lot can change and I do think that if you are married then both of your opinions should carry equal weight.