Wife May Want Another Child - I Don't

EMcG

My wife and I have been married for 8 years. We have a lovely 2 year old son.

Before we got married we had the 'kids discussion' and we both agreed that we'd have a child when the time was right. I also stated that I only wanted one child. My wife understood this.

When our son was born I again stated that I didn't want anymore kids. My wife had a pretty rough pregnancy and agreed that she didn't want more either.

Soon after the birth my wife suffered (and still suffers) very badly from Post Natal Depression (PND) - including suicide attemps and weeks in a mental hospital.

Recently, due to the high level of her medication, my wives periods stopped. For a while we thought she might be pregnant. We were both hugely relieved when the preganancy test came back negative.

After this scare, I suggested that since we wanted no more kids and if there was an 'accident' I didn't want my wife to be in the position of having to have an abortion, I would have a vasectomy.

My wife agreed that this was for the best. I asked her how she felt about this again the other night and she still agreed it was for the best - not only due to the abortion problem but also due to the fact that she will be on strong medication for many years plus I am 41 and do not want more kids let alone another in middle age.

To be honest, I am also worn out by life over the last couple of years having to care for my son and also for my wife and dealing with the several suicide attempts she has made. The ideal of having to possibly go through it all again makes me feel physically ill.

My counselling session for the vasectomy is next week.

Yesterday, my wife said she was having second thoughts. She says that she feels that by me having a vasectomy I am taking away her ability to have more kids. She now says she doesn't want any now and may not in the future. But she'd like the option.

I again stated to her that I didn't want any more kids and reminded her that I had made this clear for many years and she understood this. She agreed but said she this was the way she felt.

I said that just like the decision to have a kid, the decision to have a vasectomy she be mutual - otherwise there could be lingering resentment in the future.

My wife said that if sometime in the future she decides she wants to have another kid and I don't want to she doesn't know that if our marriage will have a future at that time.

I said that she seemed to be deciding to give up the reality of today - loving marriage, home, well adjusted kid, for the possibility of some future fantasy that might, or might not, come to pass.

Even if some years from now she decided she needed another child and ended the marriage due to this she'd still need to find someone else, get pregnant by them and have the child - none of this is 100% certain to happen - whilst what we have today exists for real today. Is it worth giving up all that we have now for something that might or might not happen?

I'd appreciate your points of view and experiences as I am at a loss at what to do now.

arthur_dent_2

From what you say your wife is not in a good place in her own life at the moment to be having another child. However how about using another option such as the injections and other methods. I am sure that there is somekind of female contraception that is effective for three years at a time.

EMcG

I suggested this. She had said that she doesn't want a coil or even more drugs in her system.

The real issue, however, is that after saying she didn't want more kids - she now says she might at some point in the future.

It's the possible ticking timebomb in our marriage and I don't know how, or even if it's possible, to defuse.

t_obermory

I would personally say that now isn't the right time in your lives to be making life changing decisions.

I would say give it 6 months a year for your wife's depression to be fully under control, by this point your son will be in pre-school (I assume) and your lives will probably be in a very different place. By doing this it doesn't have to be you accepting you want another child, you could ask your wife to compromise by having a coil for example fitted (there are non hormonal ones) and therefore you'd be safe in the knowledge that accidents aren't going to happen.

We don't know what will happen in the future, you may get six months down the line after having a vasectomy and hugely regret it because you're all in a much happier place, or you may not at which point you'll have lost nothing by holding off.

pulliptears

To be honest, I can sympathise with your wife a little here.

OH and I have 2 kids (10 and 15) and he went for a vasectomy 2 years ago. We had both been adamant that we didnt want more kids, but I also had niggling "what if's" just before he had the Op.

In the end he did have it done, and I put my doubts down to the finality of the Op. I realised not long after that actually, no, I didnt want any more at all.

I think it is just nerves, but make sure you talk everything through before you have it done.

arthur_dent_2

I think that perhaps you have been telling her that she doesn't want more kids because you don't but that there is doubt. You have done nothing wrong and I think that if you are absolutly 100% certain that you are happy just having your son then this is the right decision for you. However you do seem to be on a slippery slope. It does appear very clear to me (IMO) that children should be the last thing on her mind at the moment. Are there no family members or friends who could make her look at things objectively, show her that she has a lovely husband and son. Another child would not solve any issues that she has and from what you say she really does not sound well enough in herself to even be considering the future possibility.

ChasingButterflies

Hi op,

I can really appreciate that the last couple of years have been really hard on you both (hugs)

However I think that whatever happens needs to be a joint decision between you both...

I can say with certainty that she will most likely come to resent you should you go ahead with this right now on your own (been there and have the t-shirt :rolleyes: ) and similarly by the sounds of you will resent her if she falls pregnant again...

Myself and DH were in a similar position and we went from being unbreakable (much as MIL tried :rotfl: ) to on the verge of divorce... Our "difficult" period lasted 2 and a half years and although we frequently "discussed" the big issues for some reason no action was taken... nothing was done to try and resolve the problems - which was soul destroying in itself. Then for some reason one day something changed, DH was adamant that he was going to have it reversed - just as I was slowly coming to terms with the fact that we would have no more children. So my world was turned upside down again!

He did go through with it and I am in a place where I know that if it is meant to be...

[FYI - my inlaws started talking about him having the snip when I was pg with no2, but the time I was pg for the 3rd time it was all they would talk about. He had it done (without actually asking me how I felt his parents had an uncanny way of completely disregarding me) 6 weeks after DD2 was born. He did it for a quite life (as far as his parent were concerned) and yes I should have spoken out but with 2 toddlers and a baby I managed to distract myself for a year or so]

Sorry that all tumbled out I hope it makes sense... Having the snip is really quite final. I think you need to give your wife time to heal, think and get her head round your feelings before you both make that sort of decision.

Just one small last point I never had PND - however I have suffered from depression for years - I never managed to find a version of the pill that did not upset the balance for me (in some cases I would feel extreamly depressed for 3 weeks of every month and perfectly normal for the rest of the time)

That was really hard to put down - I hope you both find a way to resolve this issue - there is no magic right or wrong answer. Just whatever is best for you both/all.

Spendless

EMcG wrote: »

Yesterday, my wife said she was having second thoughts. She says that she feels that by me having a vasectomy I am taking away her ability to have more kids. She now says she doesn't want any now and may not in the future. But she'd like the option.

I can understand this. I don't want any more children. I have both medical and social reasons to not have any more BUT I don't want my choice taken from me, I wish it to be my decision.

arealhighlander

Get the snip. Its YOUR choice if you dont want any more. Same way as women bang on about its their choice to keep a kid. Even if she dod go on the pill you couldnt trust her to "accidentaly" get pregnant.

You are not stopping her having children, she could still have them, just not with you. That would be HER choice.

aligerdie

Hi there,

Wow, it sounds like you have been through the mill with it lately, I really do hope that things start to get better for you soon, and your wife manages to climb out of the big black PND hole...

I totally understand where you're coming from, we now have 3 kids, and straight after the last we both said no more. however, I know that if we ever did decide to have any more for whatever reason, then the option is there, but it also means we have a choice.

I have had post natal depression with all 3 of my children, and have suffered badly, it clouds your ability to think rationally I think. Whilst you may be confident of the fact that if you have another child your wife will suffer again, there will always be that element of doubt in her mind, that having another baby will be different.
I know that because I have suffered with PND, I was so wrapped up in feeling down, that to some extent I did miss out on things with my little ones, and for that I will always feel extremely guilty.
I think in a way, I wouldn't totally dismiss the idea of having another baby when i'm better, just so that I can experience all the feelings that most 'normal' mothers have, because i do genuinely feel like I have missed out sometimes. Just a thought, but maybe your wife may have come to realise this too.

Hope things work themselves out, you must be an incredibly strong person to look after your wife through such difficult times.

whitewing

I agree that it should be a mutual decision. I was annoyed the other day when OH said he would never have a vasectomy, that he was ruling out the possibility without discussion. (And we weren't even having 'the discussion' at the time).

I would say maybe go ahead with the vasectomy after looking into what it would take to have it reversed if necessary. Decide on a %age rate of success. So say, 80% success rate for reversal in future; okay to go ahead now, maybe.

I agree that now is definitely wrong time to make decisions about future kids, or even to make decisions about your marriage. You need the comfort of no accidental pregnancy, and she maybe needs to know that she is in a loving marriage/family. I don't necessarily think she wants more children, maybe it's a sign that she doesn't feel you are listening to her.

Alternatively, you could try Relate for counselling before you go ahead.

Finally, are you actually having sex anyway if things are so bad? Is this vasectomy a point of principal now? If you aren't having sex, then maybe you can regain some closeness before going ahead with the mutually agreed vasectomy.