Wife May Want Another Child - I Don't

Clive_Woody

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I have only spoken of equal rights. And haven't been rude beyond calling your post 'utter rubbish' to your 'nonsense' description of mine. Fair play eh?

Short term memory loss perhaps? You came out with classic below. I would love to know what made you jump to that conclusion other I am male and so is the OP?

Presumably you wouldn't take issue to that change if it suited him?

I look forward to your explanation for that outburst.

What advice have you offered the OP exactly?

Clue: Please try reading my posts properly this time.

melancholly

i have no advice to offer the OP other than to say i wish you all the best. it sounds like a very tricky situation, especially as you have to be careful not to upset your wife if she is still suffering from depression. i think you should only go get the operation if she is ok with that - since it may well cause major problems in your relationship over trust. i also don't think you should read too much into her doubts as she is not going to be thinking straight, and losing the option of having children (whether you have a whole brood already or not!) can be a huge, scary prospect for a woman! i think the delaying tactic may be the best one for now. it really sounds like you care and want to do the right thing for everyone (unlike some of the suggestions which are less understanding of your wife's feelings!), which has to be the most important thing. good luck!

Lunar_Eclipse

Clive_Woody wrote: »

Short term memory loss perhaps? You came out with classic below. I would love to know what made you jump to that conclusion other I am male and so is the OP?


I look forward to your explanation for that outburst.



Clue: Please try reading my posts properly this time.

I have re-read all your posts to ensure I didn't miss anything and I still see no advice. Fury at my posts, yes. Unless as I mentioned, you have also posted under another user name. You have however stated that he has every right to do what he wishes with his body and not to pander to his wife's every whim.

The explanation that you are dying for is that people can and do change their minds and thus I was pointing out that this potential change of mind (because that is all it is currently) is only an issue because it is not what the OP would like/has always wanted. Which is understandable. Thus the 'you' was not a loaded one based on any assumptions about you personally. Sorry to deflate your ego.

How that is related to the issues you have with my 'fair to both sexes' posts I have no idea. Anyhow, I'm happy to leave it that you disagree with my views on this matter. Although because I have obviously hit such a nerve, I'm naturally curious as to whether this is because of personal experience. I wouldn't dare be so rude as to say you obviously have issues!

p.s. perhaps you missed the bit in my post where I said the OP has a right to a vasectomy btw.

Clive_Woody

Lunar_Eclipse wrote: »

I have re-read all your posts to ensure I didn't miss anything and I still see no advice. Fury at my posts, yes. Unless as I mentioned, you have also posted under another user name. You have however stated that he has every right to do what he wishes with his body and not to pander to his wife's every whim.

Fury? Not at all, just resignation that you feel the need to air your prejudices on here when somebody asks for advice.

So you weren't able to find any advice apart from the advice you quoted... :rotfl:

The explanation that you are dying for is that people can and do change their minds and thus I was pointing out that this potential change of mind (because that is all it is currently) is only an issue because it is not what the OP would like/has always wanted. Which is understandable. Thus the 'you' was not a loaded one based on any assumptions about you personally. Sorry to deflate your ego.

Of course I have no problem with people changing their minds, but expecting or demanding that others simply role over and accept this is ridiculous. His wife should try and show a little respect for his wishes, is this really asking too much.

I see, you now start trying to accuse me of having an inflated ego. Perhaps a quick look in the mirror might help you out my dear :T

How that is related to the issues you have with my 'fair to both sexes' posts I have no idea. Anyhow, I'm happy to leave it that you disagree with my views on this matter. Although because I have obviously hit such a nerve, I'm naturally curious as to whether this is because of personal experience. I wouldn't dare be so rude as to say you obviously have issues!

p.s. perhaps you missed the bit in my post where I said the OP has a right to a vasectomy btw.

Hit a nerve? Not at all, do you try this and claim this every time somebody disagrees with you?

belfastgirl23

This seems like a really inappropriate place to get into a discussion on rights since the original question is about emotions and relationships....

I think now is the wrong time. To the OP I would caution strongly against reading this as your wife wanting another baby. I don't want children and never have but when DH offered to have the snip I said no because I wanted it to be a choice rather than a fait accompli. I know it might not make sense to you but it is possible for a woman to not want kids but also not want to totally lose the choice (and btw I'm nearly 40 so not likely to change my mind now!)

Perhaps revisit it in a year's time?

EMcG

Thanks for all your replies. I will chat more with my wife and attend the counselling session just to chat with someone who probably deals with this issue on a daily basis.

My thoughts are moving towards holding fire on the snip for the moment. Unless, that is my wife changes her mind again. I truly believe that if I went ahead unilaterally now then it could create a terminal fault line in our marriage and I don't want that.

But I also have to face the fact that I do not want anymore children and if my wife decides she does then she will have to choose between our marriage and the possibility of having a child with someone else.

Or I will have to choose between fathering a child I don't want and saving my marriage - but what sort of marriage would I be saving? One based on emotional blackmail and riven by resent?

It's been good to hear your opinions and has helped. Please feel free to add more if you wish.

I love my wife to bits but life is proving very arduous at the moment.

melancholly

EMcG wrote: »

But I also have to face the fact that I do not want anymore children and if my wife decides she does then she will have to choose between our marriage and the possibility of having a child with someone else.

Or I will have to choose between fathering a child I don't want and saving my marriage - but what sort of marriage would I be saving? One based on emotional blackmail and riven by resent?

i would suggest you just try not to think about it unless it comes up. there are always 'cross roads' in any relationship, where your decisions have to agree (e.g. moving to a new area with a job, giving up work for education etc), and you can only make your decision based on the information you have at the time. your wife may change her mind, but on the other hand, the liklihood is that she won't, so be careful not to let this cast a shadow over your relationship now

Shineyhappy

I dont know if this will make sense or not, but most people want a degree of freedom in their lives and you having the snip takes away a huge decision and restricts the rest of your lives to only have one child. Now whilst you wife thinks that this is 99% the best course of action, there maybe 1% of her that is thinking "what if I were to change my mind?"

I think with everything that your wife has been through, she may feel that she isnt in the best of mental states to make a decision right now about whether she is ready to finalise your family.

I personally would not put any pressure on her to decide what she wants to do about the snip or more kids as I think its probably something that she needs to have a long think about in her own time and space. It sounds like she doesnt want more kids but she isnt ready to finalise that just yet. Stop fretting about what ifs and just tempoarily forget about it and let her have time to let it sink in.

Good luck, I am sure things will work out for the best.

Clive_Woody

EMcG wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies. I will chat more with my wife and attend the counselling session just to chat with someone who probably deals with this issue on a daily basis.

My thoughts are moving towards holding fire on the snip for the moment. Unless, that is my wife changes her mind again. I truly believe that if I went ahead unilaterally now then it could create a terminal fault line in our marriage and I don't want that.

But I also have to face the fact that I do not want anymore children and if my wife decides she does then she will have to choose between our marriage and the possibility of having a child with someone else.

Or I will have to choose between fathering a child I don't want and saving my marriage - but what sort of marriage would I be saving? One based on emotional blackmail and riven by resent?

It's been good to hear your opinions and has helped. Please feel free to add more if you wish.

I love my wife to bits but life is proving very arduous at the moment.

Not an easy decsion and hopefully it's not one you will ever be forced to make. The best you can do be is to continue to be open and honest ahd hope she will respect your wishes. You clearly do not want another a child and it would not be fair on the child if you had another one and you grew to resent this little person. Give her time.

bestpud

I agree with the poster who says not to jump to the conclusion your dw will definitely want another child in the future.

Also, this is a really bad time for either of you to make this decision. We went through a similar time after having our elder children and, looking back, we were in no position to judge the future!

It won't hurt to give it some more time will it? Perhaps you could both go and see a counsellor, together, or apart, before making a massive change like this?

I realise it is your right to do what you want with your body, but ultimately, sterilisation is a joint decision, with joint effects. You would be taking something from your wife too, via your relationship iyswim?

Of course, having another baby is equally a joint thing, but that is in the future and can be controlled/avoided. A vasectomy now will more than likely take away any chance of even discussing future children.

I know, when I had PND, part of me wanted another chance to do it right, as I blamed myself. That could be what your dw is thinking too, or she could just be afraid of the future and having this option removed is making her feel more anxious.

Basically, I would hang fire for a while and perhaps talk some more later, or look into conselling if you feel you need help to get past the head on battle you are having. You can control against a pregnancy while you think some more, but a vasectomy is final.