Wife May Want Another Child - I Don't

cheap_charlie

EMcG wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies. I will chat more with my wife and attend the counselling session just to chat with someone who probably deals with this issue on a daily basis.

My thoughts are moving towards holding fire on the snip for the moment. Unless, that is my wife changes her mind again. I truly believe that if I went ahead unilaterally now then it could create a terminal fault line in our marriage and I don't want that.

But I also have to face the fact that I do not want anymore children and if my wife decides she does then she will have to choose between our marriage and the possibility of having a child with someone else.

Or I will have to choose between fathering a child I don't want and saving my marriage - but what sort of marriage would I be saving? One based on emotional blackmail and riven by resent?

It's been good to hear your opinions and has helped. Please feel free to add more if you wish.

I love my wife to bits but life is proving very arduous at the moment.

I feel for you but I would beg you not to give in to what you describe as emotional blackmail. My father did this when my mother wanted another baby and I can only say it led to a totally dysfunctional family whereas before things had been fine.

I actually think you both need to discuss this openly and the fact your wife has PND would make me inclined to think she isn't really thinking straight about things.

I wish you luck and hope you and she can come to a resolution that is best for you, her and your child.

Carmina_Piranha_3

it's a tough one. my husband and i were sort of similar. we had the one baby we had planned and we'd agreed years ago that he would have the snip. well a few months later he hadn't had the snip yet and i had PND. i was pregnant again, unplanned. we thought things would be okay, although deep down i think he would have preferred for me to have an abortion but he didn't say so.

when i lost the baby he was relieved really, and i was gutted. i wanted another baby and he didn't.

our solution was for me to have a mirena coil, but any other reliable long-term reversible method would do.

we will probably have the baby conversation in a couple of years when it's time for my coil to be replaced. it's taken the pressure off, we won't be making any decisions until after my depression gets better. i got worse after the miscarriage.

belfastgirl23

EMcG wrote: »

But I also have to face the fact that I do not want anymore children and if my wife decides she does then she will have to choose between our marriage and the possibility of having a child with someone else.

Or I will have to choose between fathering a child I don't want and saving my marriage - but what sort of marriage would I be saving? One based on emotional blackmail and riven by resent?
.

I think you're worrying about things that might never happen, you could equally worry that you'll be knocked down by a bus. Let the future worry about itself and you take care of here and now. I think the counselling is a good idea btw! Good luck!

poet123

I think the removal of the possibility of becoming pregnant is a very deep seated instinct in many woman. Even if logically you know deep down you dont want anymore,the actuality of it is quite scary.

We decided my husband would have the snip when I was 8 months pregnant with our 4th child. I knew I didnt want any more,but still felt a bit sad when it was a certainty.,and we had 3 others.

No one has mentioned this,and I hesitate to do it, but it was suggested to me, so... supposing one or other of your children had an accident and god forbid dies,could you then be sure you wouldnt want any more children?. I felt I could, but I was approaching the age when that alone would make me think twice,if your wife is younger this thought may be at the back of her mind.

I would echo what others have said and bide your time. y ou sound like a lovely caring husband and I am sure you will eventually work it out.

Merlot

poet123 wrote: »

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No one has mentioned this,and I hesitate to do it, but it was suggested to me, so... supposing one or other of your children had an accident and god forbid dies,could you then be sure you wouldnt want any more children?. I felt I could, but I was approaching the age when that alone would make me think twice,if your wife is younger this thought may be at the back of her mind.

The exactly what the doc said to me when I went in at the age of 28 wanting the female steralisation, I got refused, because apparently what you think in your 20's is not neccessarily what you think in your 30's, the GP obviously didn't know me, I don't change my mind, it wasn't an easy decision made overnight, but cause my OH is 5 years older than me the doctor agreed to him having the snip, we have two children and although I only wanted the one my OH wanted a large family so we comparised with two, and they are very much loved.

Bringing up children is one of the most difficult things anyone can do, as you probably know already children can put huge pressures and strains on a marriage, you need to have a long chat with your wife, maybe not now, but certainly within the next month or so.

Merlot.x.

EMcG

Hello again - I haven't posted for a while as there wasn't anything much happening. We had reached stalemate and the subject wasn't mentioned although it is there like the pregnant elephant in the room.

Again last night my wife asked me if I wanted another child - I said I still didn't. She said "Where does that leave me?" - I couldn't really answer her. She became very distant and just stared at me.

This morning I decided to write my feelings down - that sometimes helps make things clearer.

I'm hoping for some feedback from you all on what you think of what I've written and whether it is a good idea to show it to me wife.

Here goes:

Myself

Loving you and our son but worn out most of the time.

Feel pretty stressed all the time – stressed about looking after you, our son, work and keeping head above water.

Feel tired most of the time, getting up early, getting xxxx to nursery, arriving at work worn out, picking up xxxx from nursery, getting home worn out, slumping down then going to bed at 10pm – then starting all over again.

Can hardly remember what it feels like not to be constantly tired.

Looking forward to the next few years as xxxx starts school, starts getting more independent, thus taking the pressure off us both a bit and leaving more time and money to do things for ourselves and as a family – like getting out of town more or having a foreign holiday.

The idea of going back to square one and starting all again with another child makes me feel worried and ill. But it would be doubly difficult as we would be not only dealing with one baby but also with another small boy.

The early months/years with xxxx were very difficult and I don’t want to go through all that again. I want to move on to the next stage with xxxx as he moves from baby/toddler to little boy – not go back and start all over again with a new baby whilst at the same time trying to do our very best for xxxx.

YOU
A great loving mum. But you are exhausted most of the time, have ‘good’ and ‘bad’ days, are on medication and likely to stay on it for the next few years according to the doctors.

You are working very hard to manage your Post Natal Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder and avoid going back to the bad days of having a crisis, overdoses and hospital admissions.

Do you honestly feel you have the energy to deal with all this as well as looking after both a baby and a small boy?

I know that you sometimes have this urge to have another child. I know that it is a basic, gut maternal feeling that is hard to explain and ignore. As a man I cannot pretend to understand how that feels.

But please remember how hard it has been over the last few years. We are doing pretty well now – although there are still some ‘down’ days. Why put all this progress at risk?

Let’s concentrate on xxxx and ourselves and look forward to the future of watching both him and ourselves flourish.

ailuro2

I think it would be wrong to pressure your wife into making life altering decisions when she is still ill, I say pressure because your posts do sound quite adamant about having a resolution. Forgive me if I'm wrong.

If you really love her, you will do what is best for both of you, not keep gnawing away at this like a dog with a bone.

Perhaps you could agree that no final decision will be made until she is clear of her medication - either way. so no babies or snips until she is all clear.

Speaking as a mother of an only child who is now 9 years old, despite the hard times I do wish we had been able to have another child.Sadly it never happened.
It was fine when she was younger and they are at the age when they hate sharing anything, but as they get older they hanker after company of other children, and when working full time and using childcare it's not always so easy to be able to arrange it.

I also know a couple where the husband insisted on having a vasectomy after they had 2 kids, managed to persuade the wife they were finished. A year later she left him for someone else, he now has a new partner but is unable to have kids with her.

I hope you feel better for having written something down, but I don't think you should show that note to your wife.

Nicki

ailuro2 wrote: »

Perhaps you could agree that no final decision will be made until she is clear of her medication - either way. so no babies or snips until she is all clear.

I think that may be the answer. I suffered from bad PND as well after the birth of number 2, and to be honest if my husband had shown me the letter which you have written to clarify your feelings, it would have tipped me over the edge again. Whatever your wife was like before her PND it really and truly does affect your reasoning, personality and judgment, and it takes a long time for the confidence to build again.

Could you say something like this to your wife:-

I love you and I love our child, but the last few years have been really tough on the whole family. I just can't see how I could manage if we had another child, and I had to look after you and both children. The most important thing for me is for you to get well, and for us to get back to the point where we are both happy and both enjoying our son. Can we agree that we won't make any decisions about whether to have another child or not until we are both sure that you are fully recovered? At the moment, with things how they are, I feel strongly that to have another child is the wrong thing to do, but this is the wrong time for us to be talking about this. When you are better, and all this is behind us, we can sit down and discuss whether that is the right decision for us as a family. In the meantime I won't have a vasectomy but I would like us to agree on what form of contraception we are going to use.

Also wondered whether you have had any counselling yourself through this? Not related to the vasectomy but to what you have experienced during your wife's PND. This was offered to my OH when I was ill and even though he only had a couple of sessions I think he found it quite helpful to have a safe and confidential place where he could offload his own feelings and work things through in his own mind. It is underestimated how tough this situation can be on the partner.

FairyElephant_2

From a personal point of view, I would urge you not to have 'the snip' - there are so many other effective methods of contraception available, that I am sure you and your wife can find a suitable one.

My DH was convinced by his ex-wife (when they were still married of course!) to have it done after they had their third child. I should say that he was never bothered about having children, it was her decision, but he didn't want the snip really - she convinced him that it was 'so much easier and safer' than her being sterilised! He agreed as he loved her (and wanted a quiet life I think!).

She then went on to have an affair and get herself PG so as to trap the new man into marrying her (whilst lying to my now DH all the time: that she wasn't PG although it was pretty obvious, that the new bloke wouldn't move in and she'd be fincially stuffed etc etc - so that he let her have the house for the sake of the kids, and left with nothing). He was devastated as he never saw any of this coming, it almost destroyed him.

Fast forward a few years and now DH and I are very happy together, but desperate to have children of our own. I have some fertility issues myself, and even after paying for his reversal (2.5k) as you can't get it on NHS, he also has problems in this area, so we are having to have IVF treatment (which we also have to pay for as he has children form a previous marriage - even though I don't - this is £4k+ every time......).

The reason I am telling you part of my life story? We never know what is going to happen in the future - people we think we know and love deeply can change, or not turn out to be the people we think they are......

My DH didn't want children at one time (with his ex) and now is longing for them with me. I thought I wasn't bothered when I was younger, but now with the right man (and biological clock ticking) I am desperate.

Don't rule out anything in your future!

Good luck, and I hope your wife recovers soon and you find a solution which makes you both happy.

EMcG

Thanks for the replies. Nicki, I have done as you have suggested. But my wife says "What's the point? You've already made up you're mind and that isn't going to change."

I should stress that I would not have a vasectomy without my wife's agreement and I would want that agreement to be genuine and not coerced from her. Just as I would hope that she would want any desire on my part to have another kid to be just a genuine and not the result of nagging/threats etc.

I think the points I've made are valid.. But the truth is that I'm up against the power of the maternal urge which does not respond to logic.

I have had some sessions of counselling to deal with the PND/BPD - I found it a little useful. My wife is getting private counselling too.